December 1

Not Your Hallmark Christmas

By Lisa Lakey

I love a good romance. I’m more than happy to curl up with a blanket and a bucket of popcorn and waste an entire day watching chick flicks. Throw in a snowy day, a Christmas mix-up, and a happy ending? You had me at Hallmark.

My husband, not so much. If nothing’s being blown up, shot down, or wrecked (apparently emotions don’t count here), he’s out.

That’s a pretty good picture of who we are.

I entered marriage with a Hallmark Christmas mentality. I wanted to experience love and laughter with a cute guy (nailed that part!) and experience my happily ever after. Sure, we’d have a few arguments here and there that would threaten to pull us apart, but we’d always find our way back to each other. Because, as any good Hallmark movie plot will tell you, we were “meant to be.”

The problem? Our life often looks more like an action film. There have been car wrecks, verbal blow-ups, and feelings of being shot down by the one we love the most. And y’all, it rarely even snows here.

But that’s reality. Hallmark movies, in all their fun, are fake. Reality? It’s not so bad. It’s been filled with laughs, romance, miracles, and struggles that made us stronger.

The problem would come if I compared my marriage (especially my husband and our romance level) to the fake standards of what I see in a Christmas flick.

My husband may not be an undercover prince with a castle in some picturesque European country, but he is a strong provider for our family, loves me despite my many faults, and gets my sense of humor. We may not have the mounds of snow, but we’ve shared carriage rides around a town square and snuggled by a fire during an ice storm (but then we lost power for two days and it was crazy cold).

Bottom line? Trade that Hallmark movie mentality for a real love story. Enjoy the romance flicks, but love your own romance more.

Feeling the holiday spirit? Here are “10 Ways to Prepare Your Heart for Christmas.”

The Good Stuff: And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joyb that will be for all the people.” (Luke 2:10)

Action Points: Grab a couple of mugs of cocoa, curl up by the fireplace, and recall your own romantic moments. How did you meet? How did he propose? What stands out in your own life movie? Where have you seen challenges grow you more closely together?

December  2

Who’s the Fairest of Them All?

By Janel Breitenstein

In college, a boy told me he was in love with me. (Spoiler: not my husband-to-be.) 

One of my favorite of his qualities? He was kind of adoring. Everyone wants to feel like someone would lay their jacket across a puddle. And there were days early in my marriage when I wondered if I should have opted for “Jacket Man. 

Because my husband is one of the most relentlessly truthful dudes I have ever met. And flattery and truth-telling are rarely found in the same person.

Many days, I’m grateful. My husband’s a trustworthy mirror. 

He’s close, courageous, knowledgeable, and strong enough to not just be a “yes-man” but a “no-man.” He’s not taken in by my ruses, manipulations, skillful maneuvering, or ways I fool myself.

But sometimes I just wish I could spend a few days at the beach, far from mirrors. Parts of my body buried in the sand—mostly my head.

But then God reminds me of our utter blindness toward our own junk. How we consistently under-appraise our sin’s effects. Of our need for a mirror.

Our spouse (kids, parents, friends) could likely tell us, in a heartbeat, what sin we wrestle with most. That character trait we think is under control, just minimally impacting our lives. The Bible’s pretty clear we need an entire body of people walking with us toward holiness, wrestling with and away from sin together.

Who are our “no-people”? As we ascend into leadership positions, it becomes even more critical to have them around us—because just as with our strengths, the effects of our sin become more widespread and powerful.

Would my husband tick the box of “fan” or “adoring” in his husband-y job description? Yes, actually.. He’s my biggest/most adoring fan, but not in a lay your jacket over a puddle kind of way. I can tell because he cares enough to say something. He’s not snowed by what I look like on paper.

And that’s a good thing. Because I need a true friend that will speak the truth to me in love. 

While truth is a vital part of marriage, so is “Speaking the Truth in Love.” 

The Good Stuff: For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith. (Philippians 3:8-9)

Action Points: 

• What does your typical reaction to criticism reveal about your heart’s humility and teachability? (What would your spouse say?)
• Are you willing to accept truth from any source about your character, no matter the person’s status or method? 
• Looking back, what constructive criticism have you received that helped you grow??

December 3

A Banana Tree Marriage

By Carlos Santiago

I knew the perfect spot for the tree. It was easy to imagine how it would look full-grown, especially since it came with a picture of bright yellow bananas attached to one of the leaves. 

As I looked over the tree, I began to wonder. What if it had been mislabeled? What if I planted it, and it never produced any fruit? Or worse, what if I got a fruit I didn’t like? Just because someone hung a picture of bananas on it doesn’t make it a banana tree. It needs banana tree DNA.

The funny thing is, the same thing is true with us. Sort of.

When my wife adds one more “quick stop” after a long day or reloads the dishwasher because I “didn’t do it right,” trying to be more patient or act more kind is like tying a mislabeled picture of a banana tree on a regular oak tree. It might fool some people from a distance, but when you look closely the truth becomes clear. My efforts are as flimsy as cardboard, and she can see right through them.

My “DNA” is naturally selfish, and my fruit is naturally bitter. Every day, I must choose to die to myself and replace my nature with Christ’s. When I do, the fruit of His Spirit is able to follow: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

And that will make my marriage sweeter than any banana tree.

Looking for more fruit of the Spirit in your life? Listen to Jessica Thompson talk about how to get back to the true source of joy, peace, love, and change.

 

The Good Stuff:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law.  (Galatians 5:22-23) 

Action Steps:

What is one fruit of the Spirit you wish you had more of in your marriage? What is one thing you can do to get closer to God today?

December  4

It’s Not About the Fajitas

By Lisa Lakey 

I diced, chopped, sliced, and sautéed to my heart’s content. The chicken sizzled as it hit the pan, the tortillas were keeping warm in the oven. Twenty minutes later, dinner was served.

Sixty minutes after we finished, my husband came home. He saw the meal I had prepared, the one the kids and I had enjoyed more than an hour before, and apologetically said he wasn’t hungry. I just smiled and didn’t say a thing. His schedule had been crazy all week. No big deal, right?  

Until 90 minutes later.

The kids were in bed and we were kicking up our feet for the night. My dear husband walked into the kitchen and poured a bowl of cereal. I heard the familiar crunch of the bag, and the sound stopped me in my reading. Oh, no he didn’t.

But he did. As he brought his bowl to the living room, cluelessly crunching along the way, I simmered. When he caught my glare, he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” I muttered. But with a glance from me to the bowl, it hit him.

“Sorry,” he said. “I really wasn’t thinking.”  

It wasn’t about the fajitas. It was about the effort I put out to make my family a nice meal. To me, the bowl of cereal represented his lack of appreciation. To him? It was just a quick snack. A bit of comfort food after a long day.

So often in marriage, the little annoyances, or even moments we feel disrespected, are actually just moments of miscommunication. He said one thing, you heard (or better yet, felt) something entirely different. These aren’t intentional jabs meant to leave scars. Sometimes it’s just two different points of view; other times, it’s an “I really wasn’t thinking” moment.

Instead of stewing over these moments, let’s remember our spouses aren’t our enemies. Look at the entire situation (What was their day like? Are there any distractions around them?) and what we already know about our spouses (Is he normally kind and thoughtful?) before jumping to conclusions.

Listening actually has more to do with humility than we think. Not sure? Listen to this Real FamilyLife® minute.

 

The Good Stuff: A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. (Proverbs 18:2) 

Action Points: The next time your spouse does something that gets your blood boiling, stop. Before saying anything, ask yourself two things: Does this fit with who I know my spouse is? Is there something going on with them under the surface?

December  5

My Wife’s Prayer List

By Brian Goins 

No. 1 on my wife’s prayer list? That her husband would pray with her. 

You might think a seminary trained, church-planting pastor and FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® speaker would walk out of his prayer closet daily, grab his wife’s hand, and confidently lead her before the throne room of God—all before bacon and eggs. 

But for 23 of our 25 years of marriage, the No. 1 thing on my wife’s prayer list was that I would pray more often with her. When I was single, I think I prayed a lot more for a wife than when God finally gave me a wife. 

It’s not like we didn’t pray. I mean, when you log the time before dinners, holidays, kids’ bedtimes, communion, and the holy flares we shot off before crucial kids’ playoff games, it certainly adds up. But I knew deep down, our prayer life together felt more rote than right. 

I can’t tell you exactly why it has been such a struggle in my married life. You can point to the usual suspects: no models, insecurities, laziness. As a student of Scripture I’d salve my soul with the knowledge, “There’s no explicit command in the Bible about a husband praying with his wife; certainly nothing about frequency.”

Though the Apostle Paul said, “nourish and cherish” your wife (Ephesians 5:29). And I often heard the half-brother of Jesus slice through my sanctimonious veil with the words, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin” (James 4:17). 

So yeah, no chapter and verse, but I knew what my wife needed to feel nourished and cherished. For her man to grab her hand more regularly and practice the presence of God together. 

About two years ago, we picked a time that worked for both of us. It may not be daily, but it’s consistent … and my wife wrote “answered” by that prayer request.

Looking to jump-start your prayer life? Check out The Story of Us: A Couples Devotional.

 

The Good Stuff: So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. (James 4:17)

Action Points: Ask your spouse what tops their prayer list. If you don’t know, then time praying with you may their No. 1.

December 6

Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy

By David and Meg Robbins 

We became enemies while looking for a Christmas tree.

We had set out on what was sure to be a magical, memory-making afternoon at the local tree farm. In retrospect, we probably could have planned better. Hallmark moments can’t be squeezed in between a son’s basketball game and a daughter’s volleyball game. 

The tension actually began at McDonalds, where we rushed through our (un)happy meals. When we arrived at the tree farm, the price tags on the first trees we saw made both of us gasp—more than triple the mega-store alternative. 

The next group was actually nicer looking than the first, but double the price. Tired and disappointed, we eventually found the cheap trees. The outing was turning into a debacle, and someone had to be blamed. So, naturally, we began to blame each other. 

“I thought you said this place had incredible prices!” 

“What do you mean you don’t know how tall our ceilings are?” 

Our magical afternoon turned into a meltdown.

We got over that one pretty quickly, but the experience did show us how quickly spouses can turn on each other. 

It sounds preposterous to think of your spouse as your enemy. You’d never say that. You’d never want them to lose so you could win. One of you would never think the other is standing in the way of your happiness, right?

Yet it happens all the time in the daily life of even a strong marriage. When this happens, we need to remind ourselves that our spouse is not our enemy. 

In the difficult and challenging days of marriage, we have to choose to walk in ruthless trust of God’s goodness and His plans. When life gets hard and our spouse is beginning to feel like our enemy, we need to remember and believe that this husband or wife is God’s very best for me, His gift to me. Psalm 18:30 says, “As for God, His way is perfect.” God doesn’t make mistakes. 

Does the stress of the holiday season bring out the worst in your marriage? Read on. 

The Good Stuff: Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5) 

Action Points: In what ways have you recently fallen into the trap of seeing your spouse as your enemy? Are there triggers that tend to lead you spiraling into this pattern (e.g., how you handle conflict, how you discipline your children or stepchildren, challenges with a former spouse, issues over in-laws, etc.)?

December  7

When Conversation Gets Stuck

By Lisa Lakey 

On a recent anniversary date with my husband, I filled him in on upcoming appointments and activities for the kids. He filled me in on when he’d be out of town the following month, and we talked about a couple of work projects we were each doing. Then … silence.

It continued as he paid the tab and we headed to a movie, complete with popcorn and two action-packed hours we didn’t have to fill with small talk.

Alone time with your partner might not come easy. You’ve got kids that can’t seem to function without your constant direction, a demanding job that pushes past the 9-5, aging parents to care for, church events and Bible studies, or maybe just more volunteer opportunities than hours in the day. 

Or maybe you’re both just so exhausted from life you can’t muster the energy for anything past immediate needs—coffee, food, sleep. We’ve been there, too. Frequently. 

But connection requires communication. So when the words won’t come, here are 10 questions to ask your spouse that go a little deeper than schedules and the weather.

1. How can I pray for you this week?
2. Outside of work, what is the biggest stressor in your life right now?
3. What do you wish we could do more of together as a couple?
4. What are two things that make you feel happy?
5. What do I do that makes you feel loved?
6. What changes would you like to see in your life five years from now? Ten years?
7. What is one thing you’re grateful for in this season of life?
8. Is there anything I can take off your plate to make life a little easier for you?
9. What is your favorite memory of us?
10. In this season of life, what sounds like a reasonable amount of alone time for us (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly)?
    
    

Read on for more questions to ask when your marital conversations get stuck. 

 

The Good Stuff: Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. (Psalm 143:8) 

Action Points: Pick one of the questions above and find time to ask your spouse. Listen to their answer without interrupting, dishing judgment, or attempting to fix. Remember: Listening is more important to your communication with your spouse than speaking. 

 

December  8

What Your Wife Really Wants for Christmas

By Lisa Lakey 

Every year my husband dutifully asks if there is anything I would like for Christmas. And every year I rattle off a list of items I want or need but never got around to actually getting for myself. Same for you?

Guys, let’s talk. (Ladies, you’ll get a turn tomorrow.)

If you feel stuck shopping for your wife this Christmas, here are a few ideas of what your wife really wants.

She wants you to know her. Women often struggle with who we are. (No jokes about multiple personalities, guys.) We’re confident in our identities as mothers, even as wives. But if you stripped all that away, would anyone recognize us?

Let her know you see her for who God created her to be. Slip a pretty box under the tree with an invitation for dinner or even a special lunch. Spend the time getting to know her all over again.

She wants to know she can still turn your head. I know we can get in a habit of donning sweatpants and old t-shirts the moment we get home, but we still need to know you’re attracted to us. If you haven’t noticed, we tend to see ourselves in a negative light most of the time.

Sneak a list in her stocking of the top five things your attracted to. Maybe it’s the way she looks at you over her shoulder, her laugh, or maybe it really is the way she looks in those sweatpants and old tees.

She wants a day off. For one day (or week?), take care of all the things your wife would normally do—laundry, kids, meal planning, kitchen cleanup, the endless errands. You’ll get bonus points if at the end of the day you tell her you have no idea how she gets it all done. DO NOT say, “Today was so easy.” That is dangerous ground, fellas.

Whether she works 9-5 outside the home or not, giving her time to herself while you dive into her daily routine shows you recognize all the things she does.

Guys, when it comes down to it, most women just want to know you love us. My husband once wrote me a love letter with 30 little sticky notes on the bathroom mirror. I loved every single one. Some just had silly faces drawn on them. I might have loved those the most.

For more insights about blessing your wife, here are some more practical ideas. 

 

The Good Stuff: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. (Proverbs 18:22) 

Action Points: Considering the above suggestions, think of one “gift” you can give your wife this Christmas. And don’t wait until December 24th! 

December 9

What Your Husband Really Wants for Christmas

By  Lisa Lakey 

I love Christmas shopping. I’ll spend weeks before the big day searching for the right gift that conveys just what that particular person means to me or our family.

But when it comes to my husband, I’m usually stuck. Outside of something with four-wheel drive or a large outboard motor, there isn’t much he wants.

So where does that leave wives who really want to express to our husbands just how much they mean to us? I asked a few guys. Here is what your husband really wants for Christmas.

Your involvement in his passions. My husband is an avid outdoor sportsman. Fishing, hunting, golf. He loves them all. Me, not so much. But I’ll do it anyway to join that part of his world.

So plan something for just the two of you this season. Wrap up some his and hers camo under the tree, or pick up two copies of a book he has mentioned wanting. Whatever his hobby is, find a way to be a part of it.

Respect and admiration. To most men, respect=love.

So how do you give respect for Christmas? Tell him all the ways his guidance has helped you over the years. Remind him of all the ways he is leading your family well and the many things you adore about him.

Your undivided attention. Women tend to take on a lot this time of year. But if we aren’t careful, the holiday busyness can quickly pull us away from the true meaning of Christmas … and even farther away from our husbands.

This year, carve out time to take him to his favorite restaurant for lunch or dinner and then listen to how he’s doing and what’s going on in his life. Or if your budget allows, place a box under the tree with hotel reservations for a night away—just the two of you. 

And here is one more thing your husband would appreciate: Some slack. 

My precious husband and I are like night and day all year long, but at no other time is it more apparent than during the holiday season. When I expect him to react to all the festivities with the same level of glee and zest as I do, it spoils it for both of us. And that is not how I want to spend the holidays with my love.

Learn more about “The Power of a Wife’s Affirmation.” 

 

The Good Stuff: “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29)

Action Points: What’s one gift that really shows your husband what you think of him? You don’t have to wait until Christmas morning to show him you care.

December 10

Handle with Care (Unless You’re Jason Bourne)

By Janel Breitenstein 

Stereotyping is hard not to do. We all do it. 

We think it’s cool when spies do it in movies, or maybe lawyers performing jury selection. They assemble seemingly innocuous clues and jump to brilliant conclusions. 

Think Jason Bourne: “I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs 215 pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside …”

We think, That guy’s got skills. 

And really, all of us are gathering clues to determine next steps: 

Do I think my kid’s coach is just affectionately warm … or creepy? 

That woman has her head covered. Guessing she’s Muslim. 

Her ring finger is dented in—but no ring. 

But obviously stereotypes get us into trouble when they look like sexism, racism, or ageism.

And when it’s not the Matt Damon-cool kind? It corrodes a marriage. Because stereotypes are far more than just our words or thoughts. They arise from our hearts (Matthew 12:34).

Thankfully, as a society, it’s become improper to stereotype women. No one wants to be the belittled wife or shoved into the category of “too ambitious” or “healthy…for a woman. Hopefully both spouses are eager to serve, whether in the form of getting a spouse a cup of coffee or balancing the checkbook. 

Yet I’ve noticed men-bashing is more in vogue. Even Christian women might throw out, “But y’know, he’s a guy, so…” Finished off with a shrug that reads, What can you expect? 

Personal observations, whether from trendy personality tests or wardrobe appraisals, are only helpful as long as they’re used as tools to understand and connect. 

Our assessments should unlock dialogue rather than bolting shut the conversation.

Are the ways we speak of each other’s categories—genders included—unifying us? Or dividing us? Do declarations like “you always” or “you never” truly solve our problems, or create more?

Unless you’re Jason Bourne,shed the stereotypes.

Got a minute? In this FamilyLife Blended Minute, Ron Deal asks, “What’s Your Bias?” 

The Good Stuff: “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” (John 7:24)

Action Points: Ban gender-stereotyping—even in jest—from your family’s dialogue. When you’re tempted to roll your eyes at your spouse’s gender or personality categories, remember no one is ever one way all the time.

December  11

Itching Ears

By  Carlos Santiago 

“Can you believe she said that?” I asked my son after his mother made a snarky comment.

“Yeah, you were wrong, Dad,” he replied.

It wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. I was looking for some sympathy and validation. Instead, I was met with the cold, hard truth.

In a world of endless channels, podcasts, and playlists, we seldom listen to anything we don’t like. If I don’t like a song, a thumbs down ensures I never hear it again. If a friend says something I don’t like on social media, I can unfollow them.

My newsfeed is customized. My TV recommendations are based on my viewing history. Even the ads I watch are tailored to my buying habits. 

But if everything we listen to caters to our preferences, how can we know if we are “wandering off into myths” (2 Timothy 4:3-4)? 

What negative thoughts do you have about your spouse? Do you often think, “He never listens!” or “She doesn’t care!”? Whatever those thoughts are, you’ll naturally notice anything that supports your belief … and fail to see any evidence to the contrary. It’s called confirmation bias. And it can divide a home.

If we’re to avoid having “itching ears” (see today’s Good Stuff verse), we have to remove the blinders preventing us from seeing the opposing side … i.e., our spouse’s point of view. One way to do this is to surround yourself with people who won’t always agree with you. 

For me that day, it was my son.

After the shock of his rebuke wore off, I realized he was right. I was wrong. Thankfully, he didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear. He told me what I needed to hear.

For more on how this can look in your family, Listen to “Hearing One Another.”

The Good Stuff: For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. (2 Timothy 4:3-4) 

Action Points: What negative thought about your spouse has been ringing in your ears lately? What do you think could be your spouse’s point of view on this? Talk this over with a trusted friend or mentor who isn’t afraid to speak the truth to you.

December 12

Born in a Barn

By Janel Breitenstein

I grew up on a small, tidy farm. There was a rustling green for acres, the mottled red of apple trees, the streaked pink of rhubarb. Farms have their own simple beauty.

I doubt my parents saw it as simple. Seven days a week there were animals needing care and feeding. Go on vacation, and you’re hiring someone to do it for you. 

And then there were the smells and sounds. As I picture entering our barn, I think of stamping and restlessness, crusted fur, the earthy hay. My mom, aka “My Love Language Is Cleanliness,” had a protocol for my dad and his rank clothing and boots after chores.

So I find a redolent metaphor in Jesus being born in a stable, laid to rest in a feed trough. Our God is not aloof. He doesn’t say, “Sorry, you and your marriage happen to be too disgusting for me.” Or, “I’ll just stay out here.” He didn’t even glide into an idyllic farm with cute chicks and carrots that taste best right out of the ground. He chose the filth. 

As God entered the world from a screaming, sweating, grunting woman’s body, He came into our mess.

Manure can be scraped or hosed away; it’s much harder to reconcile the damage we do to each other. Francis Spufford describes in his book Unapologetic our “active inclination to break stuff, ‘stuff’ here including … promises, relationships we care about, and our own well-being and other people’s.”

Like a marriage, God was saying, “Your mess is my mess. You needed me, so I came all the way into this.”

Maybe this Christmas finds you or your marriage feeling distant from God. It could be your deep suffering. Or maybe you think God likes “clean” people. Allow me to introduce you to The God in the Mess. The God Who Relates to Every Rank Bit of It. 

Or, as He called Himself, Immanuel, “God With Us.”

This Christmas, lean in. He’s ready for your mess.

Read “7 Ideas for Making Your Holidays ‘Holy Days.’”

The Good Stuff: For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

Action Points: Take a minute. What are some of your biggest hurdles to feeling close to God? To feeling like He is “with” you? How does the truth of Jesus answer your mind’s questions?

December  13

Say “Cheese”

By Lisa Lakey 

I’m terrible at remembering to take pictures. I tend to be an in-the-moment kind of girl, and I often reflect on times with my husband and wish we would have snapped a picture of at least one moment. The hikes we’ve taken, the meals we’ve shared, the trips we’ve enjoyed. I have very little documentation of any of them outside of our own memories.

Yes, I probably should have taken more pictures. But can I just clear something up? Pictures are not worth a thousand words. (Trust me, I’m a writer.) Sorry to all my photographer friends.

Pictures are great for recalling memories. Or even sharing with friends and distant relatives about what’s going on with your family. I’m thankful technology allows me to have a camera in my phone (not that I remember to use it).

But pictures don’t tell you the story behind that five-second shot. That picture of your friend’s new baby didn’t show how long they had waited to hold a child of their own in their arms. Or the mounds of paperwork on their adoption journey after years of medical help to get pregnant didn’t work.

That sweet date night photo your friend posted (that made you a tad bit jealous)? It doesn’t show the months of counseling it took to get them back to this point. In fact, it could be the first real date night they’ve had in years.

The moral of the story (um, devotion)? Think twice before comparing your snapshots to someone else’s.

If I snapped a quick photo right now, it would show me happily typing away at my kitchen table while the kids quietly watch a movie together in the living room. But what you wouldn’t see? The arguing and, yes, yelling it took to get them to do their chores to earn that movie. You wouldn’t see the fact that I am working yet another weekend because my daughter has been sick and I’m behind with deadlines. 

But it’s all there, behind the photo you’d get to see. Know what else you would see? A five-second moment I’m thankful for.

Has social media turned us into comparison junkies? Listen to why this vice might be demolishing our contentment. 

The Good Stuff: So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment. (James 2:12-13)

Action Points: On a quick coffee date, pull out the photo albums (or your phone) and look back over any pictures you’ve taken together. What can each of you remember about these photos? 

December 14 

The Gift of Space

By Aubrey Way

During a heavy, stressful season of work a few years ago, I began experiencing back pain. Assuming I’d slept on it wrong, I went about normal life, impatiently waiting for the pain to disappear.

Months before, I’d made plans with our city’s ultimate frisbee team to travel across the country and play in a tournament. As the tournament drew closer, the pain remained and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to play. But with tickets already purchased, I decided to go anyway.

At the time, our kids were 5 and 2. A weekend away was no small thing. And the weekend was the only time I could give my wife a much-needed (and deserved) break. 

Yet she graciously forwent this break in order to give me the space to leave town and play a game for two days.

Surprisingly (to me), the long hours of strenuous activity at this tournament did not result in soreness, exhaustion, and further injury (well, there was a little soreness). Instead, I experienced my stress melting away and my back being totally restored. 

I hadn’t realized my back pain was stress-induced. Without the chance to step away, I wonder how long it would’ve taken me to make that connection—and what kind of physiological, mental, and emotional consequences I would have faced as a result.

In freeing me up to step away for a bit, my wife put my interests above her own. She thought she was making a sacrifice for the sake of something fun but frivolous, but God used it to accomplish something necessary and restorative.

Read more on how to support your spouse’s mental health. 

 

The Good Stuff: Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4) 

Action Points: Could your spouse use a break? Think of one chore or activity you can take off their plate this week to give them space to rest.

December 15

The Saddest Words in a Christmas Carol

By Dave Boehi

Christmas was not a happy time for him.

His country was embroiled in a war he hated, from which his son had returned home with severe wounds. He grieved deeply for his wife, who had died after a freak accident two years before.

And so on Christmas Day in 1863, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote a poem called “Christmas Bells.” 

The poem eventually inspired the hymn we know as “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day,” and contains what may be the saddest words I’ve seen in a Christmas carol:

And in despair I bowed my head;

“There is no peace on earth,” I said;

“For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!”

Over the years, I’ve known married couples who have experienced the type of hardships that doom many relationships—financial difficulties, death of a child, debilitating disease. They all faced a crisis of faith when they had to come to terms with the fact that life and marriage were not going to turn out as they had hoped.

One of these husbands was overwhelmed with the reality of raising a child with special needs and the pressure it was putting on his marriage. He said, “I remember praying in the midst of my tears, ‘Lord, I have nothing to believe in if I can’t believe You are good and You are sovereign. I’m not sure I feel that, but if it’s not true, then what’s life about? I am going to choose to believe that You would not allow anything but good to come into my life.’”

Until Jesus returns, we will never see the type of “peace on earth” that so many long for. The planet and the people contained therein have not been fully restored—brokenness and its consequences still remain. In fact, Jesus Himself guaranteed it: “In this world you will have trouble.” (John 16:3, NIV). 

But we can experience peace in our hearts when we put our trust in the God who engineered the universe. Longfellow’s dark cloud began to lift when he chose to focus on the fact that God is alive, in control, and has a bigger plan than we can understand. I think that’s the kind of peace he finally experienced and described on that December morning in 1863:

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on earth, goodwill to men!”

Do you struggle to believe in a good God? You’re not alone. Read Dennis Rainey’s battle and victory over doubt for encouragement.

 

The Good Stuff: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Action Points: In what areas of life do you struggle to find peace? Make a list of your concerns/fears and talk them over with your spouse. Are there any practical things you can do to ease your stress or improve the situation? For the things that are out of your control, pray with your spouse about surrendering them to God. Don’t be discouraged if you find you need to pray the same prayer many times—even daily.

December 16

New, Old Christmas Traditions

By Lisa Lakey 

Wrapping paper was everywhere. Far too many toys scattered the floor, their packaging lying in ruins as our 1-year-old zoomed from one to the next—the effects of a sugar cookie and chocolate milk for breakfast apparent to all. My husband and I laughed with my husband’s parents, enjoying an extra cup or two of coffee before the rest of the family arrived.

But my heart just wasn’t fully in it.

Part of me loved having extended family together on Christmas morning (I’m blessed with fantastic in-laws). But a bigger, more selfish part wished we were home. Our home. By the Christmas tree we had decorated, the same one our daughter had undecorated anywhere her little hands could reach.

We had been married for four years, but this was the first Christmas I felt homesick. I missed my family and our traditions. We hadn’t opened one present on Christmas Eve the way my family did when I was a kid. We didn’t play board or card games either. There was no Christmas movie the night before, no endless reruns of A Christmas Story on the TV.

When we got married, I inherited another set of parents, a grandmother, a sister and nephew, and aunt and uncles. That was the easy part. I actually like these people. 

But what I didn’t expect was that I also inherited someone else’s holiday traditions. I worried keeping my traditions meant losing his. I didn’t want that. But there were also traditions I didn’t want to sacrifice. Traditions I wanted to enjoy with our children and, one day, our grandchildren.  

After we had headed home that Christmas, my husband and I talked about what each of our expectations were for holidays. We were surprisingly on the same page with one thing: We wanted our kids home on Christmas morning.

That day changed our Lakey Family Christmas traditions. After talking it over with our parents, we decided Christmas morning was for our little family, and we would visit my family later in the day. Since my husband’s family is three hours away, we decided we would spend each Thanksgiving at their home, and celebrate Christmas with them on New Year’s.

Several years later and another kid added to the mix, I no longer feel homesick during the holidays. We established our own traditions (including a Christmas Eve scavenger hunt) and kept what we love about each other’s—a breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls from my husband’s side, and making a big event of decorating the tree from mine.

And I’ve realized another thing (took me awhile, huh?): Wherever my little family is, is home.

Dennis and Barbara Rainey share some advice on “Establishing Your Family’s Own Christmas Traditions.”  

 

The Good Stuff: Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift! (2 Corinthians 9:15)

Action Points: Feeling a little holiday tension around family gatherings? Take a quick coffee or hot cocoa date with your spouse this week. Express (kindly but genuinely) how you feel about the traditions you have in place. Are they too much? Is all the go-go-go leaving you frazzled, homesick? Listen openly to your spouse’s point of view and then discuss how you can establish traditions that honor both sets of families..

December  17

Mole Crickets

By  Carlos Santiago 

I’m a Brooklyn-raised city boy, but I dream of being a country one. Maybe it comes from growing up in a world made of concrete, but whatever the reason, I not only dream of wide open fields, but I also like to imagine myself as a farmer. As soon as the temperature allows it, I must get my hands in the dirt and plant something. 

This season, I planted corn. The only problem was no matter how much water or fertilizer I used, the plants seemed to be on life support. When harvest season came, I only managed to produce a single, stunted ear of corn. I couldn’t understand it.

A few weeks later, I was working in the garden bed when I realized my problem—a massive mole cricket infestation. The crickets burrow underground and feast on roots. My poor corn was being fed an ample supply of water and fertilizer but never had the chance to taste it.

Unfortunately, our spiritual lives are often not much different. Many of us go to church regularly. We are watered and fed by the Word. We have great teaching and community, but we aren’t growing as we should. The problem may not be in the spiritual food we are consuming. We might have something interfering with our ability to absorb it. And often, we need to look no further than our own marriages.

In Malachi 2:13-14, God rejected the offerings of His people because they were unfaithful in their marriages. In 1 Peter 3:7, we learn that dishonoring our spouses can hinder our prayers. And even though we all want God to be on our side, James 4:6 teaches that God “opposes the proud.” Bitterness, pride, resentment, unforgiveness, and overall harshness toward our spouses can all block us from receiving what God is trying to give us. 

If your life is not producing fruit as it should, maybe what you need isn’t a different church, another sermon, or better worship music. Maybe what you need is to look under the surface and make things right with your spouse.

What does it look like to combat bitterness? 

 

The Good Stuff: Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13) 

Action Points: Ask God to reveal areas in your marriage that need to be surrendered to Him. If you dare, ask a trusted friend to tell you if there is an area of your life you are overlooking.

December 18

Goose and Mav, Revisited

By Janel Breitenstein 

When I first heard Top Gun 2 was coming out, it had me reminiscing about the original cultural icon and how it swept up an entire generation. Of Goose and Maverick speeding toward all the villains behind their dark visors, twisting in combat.

It’s like that in marriage, isn’t it? We’re both in a battle, often with enemies unseen.

Perhaps God was foreshadowing this invisible combat in Genesis when he described Eve with the Hebrew word ezer, the word we translate as helper. Did you know the word is only used elsewhere to describe a military ally or God Himself as helper? You might say an ezer is an old-school wingman.

There are a lot of ways I want to be my husband’s shield. But there’s one glaring way I could leave my wingman: Who else is praying for my husband like a spouse could?

I can hear many of the enemies, so to speak, whizzing by his ear. I see them opening fire. 

I see when he’s weary of his mission or when a flank is exposed.

I know when he’s low on ammo against our mutual foes. I witness our constant need for supernatural protection and rescue.

No one else sees him like I do, or knows the atmosphere around him. Of all the eight billion people in the world, there’s one most equipped to pray for my man.

Rather than praying out of obligation, I long to be this kind of vigilant ally. To never leave him spiritually isolated. To pray “at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. (Ephesians 6:18).

That verse goes on to encourage us to pray for “all the saints”… But I especially want to make sure I’m doing it for the one I fly with first. 

Want to make praying for (and with!) your spouse a habit? Take our Oneness Prayer Challenge. 

The Good Stuff: For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12) 

Action Points: Develop a habit of continually praying for your spouse as the two of you converse, lifting them to God specifically and with compassion. You could also set a reminder on your phone to pray for your spouse—perhaps on your commute or while you eat lunch. 

December 19

Ranch Dressing

By  Brian Goins 

“You know what would make these potatoes great? Ranch dressing. Do you have any?” I asked my hosts. 

My friend confronted me the next day, “Brian, every time you say something could taste just a little bit better with ranch, it makes us feel like you don’t like our cooking.”

I didn’t realize my culinary suggestion dampened their hearts. What they heard was, “Your attempt to fry potatoes with lackluster seasoning fell way short … let me show you how to make this starch stand out with a little Hidden Slather from the Valley.”

Clearly, I needed some good, old-fashioned home training. 

That conversation revealed two things about me.

First, drowning everything in ranch dressing highlighted a woefully limited palette. 

Second, I tend to confuse flaws with personal preferences. Nine out of 10 people would have found those potatoes perfectly seasoned. I had just trained my taste buds to crave mayo sprinkled with fairy dust.

I do the same thing in marriage. 

I’m only satisfied when my needs or preferences are met. Date night fell short because we didn’t see the movie I wanted to see. A weekend felt unfulfilling because none of my projects got done. A vacation was wasted because my quota for intimacy wasn’t met.

The Apostle Paul said, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

Notice he doesn’t say “ignore your interests.” He encourages us to value someone else’s personal preferences more than your own. And in the process, not only will we discover a more satisfying relationship, but we may just expand our own limited palette. 

Thinking back to that night, I’m amazed my friends kept asking me over for dinner. They should have just left me to my ramen noodles. You know what doesn’t go well with ramen? 

Ranch dressing. 

Listen to Dave Wilson explain how selfishness is the opposite of respect. 

 

The Good Stuff: Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)  

Action Points: A great question to ask your spouse regularly is, “What would a win look like for you on this date, weekend, vacation, budget, holiday, etc…?”

December  20

Your Biggest Problems Are Not Actually Your Biggest Problem

By Dave Boehi 

Think of the people you know who have experienced trials and suffering over the last year. Those who have lost someone they love. Or felt betrayed by a spouse. Or experienced significant sickness or injury. Think of the suffering or heartache you’ve faced.

While driving to work recently, I found myself absorbed in the old hymn, “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,” especially the line, “…and ransom captive Israel, who mourns in lonely exile here …”

When Jesus was born, God’s people literally lived in captivity—they were ruled by the Romans, hoping for a hero to rescue them from their practical, tangible suffering.

But their captivity was spiritual, too—they had gone 400 years without hearing God’s voice. They were not experiencing the blessings of His guidance and provision; He seemed absent.

And then when Jesus finally showed up, He was born in a barn, surrounded by livestock, as a helpless baby, completely dependent upon his impoverished parents.

Not exactly the Caped Crusader the Israelites had been hoping for.

Jesus went on to live His entire life under the rule of an ungodly and despotic foreign power. Even during His public ministry, He focused on setting the people of Israel free from spiritual exile rather than physical bondage.

Like Israel, we tend to think our biggest problems are in the physical realm. We want to be able to finally resolve that same fight with our spouse that keeps coming up; we want more help with the kids or the house or the finances; we want to see our kids have a better relationship with their stepparent or relief from a difficult ex-spouse.

Yet, our biggest problems are actually spiritual in nature. Even if we don’t realize it, we all “mourn in lonely exile” when we are not connected to God because being connected to Him is our ultimate purpose. Jesus didn’t come to take away our problems (be it an unjust government, or a troubled marriage). He came to take away the sin that broke our connection with God, so that connection could be restored. 

Our unresolved problems are not evidence God is absent. On the contrary, Immanuel—“God with us”—came specifically so that when we go through the suffering that is inevitable in this life, we can have hope, because He is with us.

Have you ever considered that the core issues in your marriage are actually spiritual or that spiritual forces might be fighting against you? Listen to Tim Muehlhoff’s perspective on spiritual warfare in your marriage. 

 

The Good Stuff: She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us). (Matthew 1:21-23)

Action Points: What problems in your life have the power to make you feel like you are in bondage? Do you have a tendency to only turn to God when you need to be rescued? Don’t let tunnel vision of your suffering keep you from experiencing God’s presence in it. Ask God to give you eyes to see His presence in practical and tangible ways, and then start looking for Him to show up.

December  21

I Like My Grudges with Cream and Sugar

By Janel Breitenstein 

People who hold grudges can sometimes seem cool—like, not takin’ nothin’ from nobody! These days, identifying our areas of personal offense feels as defining as choosing a drink at Starbucks: “I’d like a venti cup of pro-life, pro-environment, anti-spanking, extra hot.” 

It’s classy to forgive, of course. But letting go of a grudge is hard when you’re still hacked off. 

And forgiveness can get tricky for someone who struggles with being a pushover. Or if the offender never changes and keeps hurting you or others. Then there’s pressure from the trending attitude, “You don’t have to take that!” As though one who extends forgiveness takes on some kind of wimpy, limp dishrag persona. 

I thought of this when someone expressed how hard it was to forgive her husband. Forgiveness was a choice she had to keep making over and over. Like the rest of us, he tended to screw up in the same old areas. 

It didn’t seem like an issue of boundaries. She wasn’t failing to confront her husband or creating an environment without consequences. It just took a lot of intentionality to let go of her anger and for them to mutually rebuild trust. 

Here’s what forgiveness isn’t: it’s not forgetting or excusing, releasing someone from worldly consequences of sin. (An embezzler, for example, should not be given a position as an accountant.) 

Yet if we defer on forgiveness—are we really loving our spouse well? Are we really, like we ask in the Lord’s Prayer, forgiving them as we long to be forgiven?

No matter how egregious the offense, how justified the grudge, especially in light of how much we’ve been forgiven, can we ever in good conscience not forgive?

So you can keep my extra hot, totally steamed grudge. I request my empty cup of God’s anger for both of us, poured out on Jesus for our complete forgiveness. 

If you’re in a blended family, you know all too well how unregulated emotions can breed resentment and hostility. Read more on how to keep those in check. 

The Good Stuff: “Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’”(Matthew 18:32-33)

Action Points: Are there things you have trouble forgiving your spouse for? If so, pray for empathy to understand why they act the way they do. Ask for God’s supernatural power to forgive your spouse.

December 22

Sex in 3-D?

By Janel Breitenstein 

I love to study the science of story—particularly of love stories, as I am occasionally a total sap. 

As an author, I love to watch a novelist or team of screenwriters at their craft—swelling the conflict, developing the personal metamorphoses and desires of the characters. 

But sometimes you don’t care about the character development; sometimes in movies you just want the starry-eyed couple to finally get it on (fade to black).  

Because in the movie world, sex = ultimate intimacy. Even lustful sex, in all its 20 minutes of glory. And if we’d listen to pop culture, we’d think there’s nothing like first-time or I-can-hardly-get-my-clothes-off-in-time sex, whether the couple’s married or not.

Yes, there’s something mind-blowing about any couple’s first time together. Everything is new. Finally, you’re able to full-on enjoy each other. There are a few steamy weeks or months where you’re exploring each other like a hidden garden all your own (kind of like Song of Solomon).

But one of the beauties of normal, healthy, married lovemaking is the growing, layered knowledge and understanding of each other, the communication and variety. The little adjustments as you learn one another. The mutual honing of technique and familiarity with each other. The crazy memories (“Remember that time…!”). 

Yes, the passion you still fan for each other. But also the ways you’ve journeyed, perhaps through pregnancy, repentance, grief, playfulness, or returning from an absence. We travel far beyond mere passion or desire. 

And in that, I see God’s own fidelity—the depth of His steady companionship, His attentiveness, His generosity, and our intimate communion. 

What makes both faith and married sex great isn’t just novelty. In fact, I’d say it makes that lusty, non-committal encounter one-dimensional. Meticulously cultivated, rewarding sex is the opposite.

It’s the person I’ve known and loved and walked with all along.  

There’s more to a healthy sex life in marriage than you may think. Read “Why Your Marriage Needs Sex.” 

The Good Stuff: “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.” (Song of Solomon 2:4)

Action Points: Think specifically about ways you’re grateful for sex with your spouse—and how it demonstrates God to you. If this is a frustrating area in your marriage, could you consider seeking counseling help, including other factors influencing your sex life together?

December 23

The Story of My Tree

By Lisa Lakey 

Let me tell you about our Christmas tree. 

For starters, it isn’t Pinterest-worthy. Most of the ornaments were handmade by the tiny fingers of our once-tiny kids, or they’re lovingly handcrafted pieces passed down from grandparents. Dollar-store trinkets fill in the gaps. 

Some have faded. Others have been broken (and sort of pieced back together). But every year we trudge up the attic steps to pull them out once again. 

But despite my best intentions to be content with our tree, I sometimes envy the elaborately (often professionally) decorated trees on social media. The ribbons weaving through the branches just so. The ornaments shining without the dull of a dozen little fingerprints. The couple in their coordinating sweaters smiling in the glow of the lights.

When I gaze too long at these spectacular trees, I begin to miss the unmistakable beauty of my own. I forget to reflect on the now-tarnished silver snowflakes near the top we were given as a wedding gift. Or all the ornaments we’ve picked up on every vacation starting with our honeymoon. 

Our tree has stories.  

And you know what? Our marriages can be a lot like our Christmas trees. Some are all for show—deceptively hiding any flaws in all their shimmering glory. Others look a little worse for the wear: A little Charlie Brown tree in a sea of Whoville delights. 

My own marriage has had years of broken bulbs and fingerprint-smudged moments. Our emotions and romance felt more hodgepodge, and the lights of other people’s marriages made mine seem like there were a few lights out along the way. 

But like my tree, my marriage has stories. Stories of new babies and missed loved ones. Tales of hardship and suffering that turned into renewed hope and perseverance. 

So this year, as I unpack bulbs and baubles, I’ll be thanking God for each story of my family’s tree—starting with the man He gave me to decorate it with.

Not feeling the holiday spirit this season? Read more in “Waiting for God This Christmas.”

The Good Stuff: Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Action Points: During this season of glitz and garland, take a few minutes to pause and reflect together on past Christmases. What do you remember about your first Christmas together? What one holiday memory would you relive again and again? 

December  24

Nothing Is impossible with God

By Dave Boehi 

A wife wrote to say she is separated from her husband and would like to reconcile, “but I cannot go through him coming back and sucking all the life out of me again. I think it may just kill me. I feel empty, and I have no strength left.”

A heartbroken mother and father told us about the struggles their daughter is having in her marriage. “We long to see them live together in a home where Christ is obeyed, honored, served, and where they can have peace, joy, and the hope of a future together.”

During this Christmas season, I’ve been thinking of these marriages—and so many others represented in the messages FamilyLife receives every day. These are people who need a special dose of the hope that God offers through Christ.

One of my favorite parts of the nativity story is when Mary is told she will bear a son who “will be called the Son of the Most High.” She asks, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” and the angel replies, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God … For nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:35-37 NASB).

I love that final phrase: “For nothing will be impossible with God.” It’s the type of truth we need to remember in our lives, our marriages, our families.

We need to remember that the God who made it possible for a virgin to conceive can heal any marriage and any family problem.

The God who sent angels to speak to people 2,000 years ago still speaks to us today through His Word.

The God who sent Jesus to “save his people from their sins” (Matthew 1:21) because we couldn’t do it on our own now gives us the power to walk with Him every hour of every day.

We all have something going on in our lives that should cause us to turn to God—some problem or situation we just can’t seem to solve ourselves.

Christmas gives us hope that God wants to be intimately involved in our lives,and that nothing is impossible for Him.

Do you feel like your marriage can never be saved? Here’s a true story of how God turned around a messed up marriage. 

The Good Stuff: I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2).

Action Points: Is there some circumstance in your life you have exhausted all of your personal effort trying to fix? With your spouse, turn it over to the God for whom nothing is impossible. He may not fix it like you want it to look. But He wants to be intimately involved as you walk through it.

December 25

Misfits Welcome Here

By Lisa Lakey 

One of my favorite Christmas shows as a kid was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The 1964 one narrated by Burl Ives. I watched it every year with my brothers, and I now watch it every year with my kids.

As an adult, my favorite part is the Island of Misfit Toys. It’s this “bring-your-own-weirdness” kind of place where your idiosyncrasies are celebrated instead of shamed. Broken? You can hang with us. We’re broken, too.

It’s (in a strange sort of way) a little like the church: a bunch of broken, sinful people hanging around together. But unlike the misfit toys, we’re made whole through Jesus’ death and resurrection. Misfits no longer, He deems us worthy and loved. And that beautiful picture is what God intends for others to see in our marriages.

Does your marriage say “misfits welcome here”? Can your spouse come to you with their fears, insecurities, and even with their endearing traits others label as weird? Do you lay down your own misfit self to your spouse, bringing all your unique qualities to the table—even the ones you wish you didn’t have?

Like the way I laugh like a lunatic at funny movies. Or my incomprehensible fear of water (don’t ask). Or the sins I still carry a bit of shame for when I’m at my weakest moments.

Marriage should be a safe place, a shelter when the rest of the world doesn’t seem to get us or doesn’t want to know us. Your marriage should say to your spouse, “Misfits welcome here.”

When life gets messy, it can be hard to remember that our spouse is a gift. Read more in “Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy.”

The Good Stuff: And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. … so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth. (Philippians 2:8, 10) 

Action Points: Is there a “misfit” part of who you are that you keep from your spouse? Try bringing it to them without fear of judgment. Then bring it to God. Jesus has already declared you welcome.

December 26

The Worst-Case Scenario

By Carlos Santiago 

I could see the writing on the wall. The way everything was going, I was likely to be unemployed by Monday. The thought gripped me with fear. What would we do? How long could we survive? 

To shield my family from financial disaster, I liquidated some assets to bulk up our savings account. Nothing I did was particularly reckless, but in my haste, I made one crucial blunder: I didn’t discuss any of it with my wife.

The fear of losing my job was soon eclipsed by the fear of how my wife would react when she found out what I did. We were supposed to be a team, but I acted like mine was the only opinion that mattered. I hoped she would see my moves as financial brilliance, but deep inside, I knew I was in trouble. 

When I told her, she was shocked. She kept repeating, “I can’t believe you did that.” All I could say in my defense was, “I’m sorry. I got scared.”

Then she asked me a question that has haunted me since, “What more does God have to do before you learn to trust Him?”

Ouch.

She was right. God has always taken care of us. Yet when faced with a struggle, my first response is rarely to trust Him. Instead, I let my fears take over and start planning for the “worst-case scenario,” as if my solutions could somehow be better than God’s.

The truth is, He doesn’t need to do anything else. He’s already done it all. If I lost my job, my house, my health—even if I died tomorrow—my future is secured. I don’t need to fear. I don’t need to spend my time worrying about a future that may, or may not, happen. What I need to do is trust Him.

That Sunday, I was glued to my phone looking for news that would confirm my fears, but God had other plans. By Monday morning, the crisis was over. But hopefully, the lesson will stick with me a little longer.

Listen to what Proverbs 12 has to say about trusting God and worry.

The Good Stuff: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10) 

Action Points:What are you most worried about? What would it take for you to “fear not” and trust that whatever happens, God’s got you?

December 27

Post-Christmas Wreckage

By Lisa Lakey 

Yesterday morning, my house was a wreck—paper, ribbons, boxes, even a stray candy cane found stuck to the floor under the coffee table. It was a stark contrast to the day before when shiny presents skirted around a still-lit tree, our kids anxiously anticipating unwrapping gifts. 

But yesterday? Post-Christmas wreckage. We can feel that way inside, too. 

Several years ago, my husband and I were barely holding on during a tough holiday season. It seemed we had been hit on every front: a job loss, double sickness, devastating news from a loved one, and a marriage struggling to keep its head above the flood. 

My heart mirrored the scraps of holiday festivities—shredded, hollow, and somewhat sticky.

If you and your spouse are dangling by a leftover Christmas ribbon today, you aren’t alone. The holidays can be hard on a marriage. And instead of a hope-filled new year, you might be thinking of calling it quits. 

I don’t know the specifics of your season, but I was reminded as I sat in my own wreckage that Christmas wasn’t about shiny ribbons, presents, and baubles on a tree. It was literally about God entering our broken (and somewhat sticky) mess—a mess we couldn’t clean up on our own.

As I sat in the tatters of another Christmas, I held on to the promise that He was with me. And He reminded me of all the good that the hard was trying to overshadow; specifically, my own little boy who snuggled warm in my arms was the most poignant reminder. In that moment, it was enough to hold on another day.  

So as you approach what might feel like a hopeless new year, hold on to that reminder. You don’t have to have this all figured out today. And things can get better. You just need to invite Him into the wreckage. 

When you feel like giving up on your marriage, here are four things to remember.  

 

The Good Stuff: For nothing will be impossible with God. (Luke 1:37) 

Action Points: If you feel like you’re sitting in the wreckage today, invite Christ into your mess. He is Immanuel, God with us. Open your Bible (Psalm 71 is a good choice for when “your strength is spent”) and just be in His presence while you read. 

December 28

You’re Watching That?

By Carlos Santiago 

I walked into the room and was immediately annoyed by what I saw on the TV.

“You’re watching that?” I asked with a heavy sigh.

“Don’t worry,” my wife said. “I’m fast-forwarding all the bad parts.”

I walked back out of the room and wondered if this was a losing battle. It’s not that we have significant disagreements over the kind of shows we should be watching, but because society seems to be traveling at warp speed in the opposite direction, the lines can get blurred on what we shouldn’t watch.

Christians are called to be salt to the world (Matthew 5:13). Salt always has an impact on its environment. Salt on meat prevents decay, salt on ice creates a thaw, and salt on food enhances its flavor. But too often, instead of us changing the world, the world changes us one small compromise at a time. 

While we can’t live our lives in total seclusion, the shows we watch affect us. Even if we fast forward through the sexual immorality, violence, and foul language, the damage is done. Not only do we become desensitized to it, but as long as we keep watching, content producers will keep pushing the limits.

But what do we do if a husband and wife can’t agree on what shows should be allowed in the house? Nag? Tape condemning scriptures to the TV? Leave articles on the kitchen table touting our point of view?

As tempting as those techniques might be, sometimes the best thing to do is to calmly state your case, then remove yourself from the equation and let the Holy Spirit do His work.  It takes patience. God usually doesn’t work on our timetable, but He’s much better at changing people’s minds than we are.

A few weeks later, I heard frustration mounting from the other room. I walked in to find my wife arguing with the TV.

“Why do they have to? Come on! Really? Ugh! That’s it. I can’t watch this show anymore.”

I don’t know what the “final straw” was, but I didn’t need to. I knew the Holy Spirit was at work. 

Listen to hear more about how media influences not just the culture, but individuals as well.

The Good Stuff: Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2) 

Action Steps: Are you and your spouse on the same page when it comes to “entertainment” standards in your home? How do you typically address differences?

What would it look like for you to let the Holy Spirit do the work of convicting your spouse?

What small decisions can you make to ensure that your mind is being conformed to the image of Christ and not the image of the world?   

December 29

A Well-Intentioned Team of Two

By Ashford Sonii 

When my wife and I discovered we were going to be first time parents of twins, we buckled down as an exclusive team to be the best parents ever and braced ourselves to defeat every challenge. 

We never imagined my wife being diagnosed with preeclampsia, hospitalized for a month, delivering our girls at 30 weeks, and navigating a 3-month NICU journey as our intro to parenthood. 

During such a fragile time in our lives, we were incredibly vulnerable to falling apart mentally. The heavy stress and emotional pressures of such a time couldn’t be held by our well-intentioned team of two. It was impossible. 

But when we finally welcomed community into our lives and struggles, I watched God make the impossible possible. 

Co-worker friends came together and helped with work tasks, neighbors took care of our home in ways they could, and our church community lifted all four of us up in relentless prayer, helped make meals and even took care of our two energetic dogs. 

Today, our family is healthy—the girls are getting ready to celebrate their first birthday, and though we recently moved, we’re looking forward to connecting with and serving others more. 

Let’s pray with our spouse as we embrace others into our lives and reach forward for friendship and connection. God has gifted us community and engagement with one another, rather than isolation. Together, we enhance each other’s lives and achieve a work of art on display for the world to experience Jesus. When our friends and family rallied around us to bear the weight of things we couldn’t, it was as if Jesus Himself held us up. 

Whether it’s work or school, near or far, home or church, relationships can be tough and sometimes awkward, especially because we all make mistakes and have imperfections. But when united with others in Christ, we experience the wonder of God, making impossible circumstances possible.

Do you pray regularly with your spouse? Find ways to pray, activities to build time together, and more right here. 

The Good Stuff: But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it,

that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. (1 Corinthians 12:24-25) 

Action Points: Take some time to pray for the community surrounding your marriage. Ask God to strengthen the close relationships you have, or even heal the broken ones. If you don’t feel you have a community, pray for God to build one that you and your spouse can actively be a part of.

December 30

A Marriage Maintenance Schedule

By Carlos Santiago

If my wife and I go a day without talking over a cup of coffee or a walk around the neighborhood, we feel it. Our patience wears thin, our tones get harsh, and bickering over small things increases. 

We’re not alone.

The drift from order to chaos is the natural way of the universe. Over time, the chaos in your relationship will increase. You will grow apart from your spouse. The family harmony you once had will be lost, unless you actively and intentionally fight against it.

You may be able to ignore the maintenance schedule on your car for years without a problem. But imagine a rocket attempting a liftoff without the proper maintenance. The failure would be spectacular. The more complicated something is, the more maintenance it requires. And marriages are complicated!

What we need is a regular marriage maintenance schedule—a steady rhythm of intentional quality time designed to push against the drift toward chaos and disconnection.

So how can we inject intentional quality time into our marriage?

1. Start small.

If you and your spouse feel thousands of miles apart, start with a 1% change. It might not seem like a big deal. After a foot, 1% translates into less than one quarter inch. But try to reach the moon and a 1% difference will translate into over 4,000 miles. 

2. Establish new daily rhythms.

It might be something as simple as greeting your spouse with a hug at the end of the day or sharing a cup of chamomile tea after the kids are in bed. 

3. Quality vs. quantity.

We often rely on quality time over quantity of time, but our marriages need both. An established foundation of reliable connections takes the pressure off things like date nights, romantic getaways, and even sex. 

4. Fight for it.

Before we had kids, we had plenty of time together and romantic getaways were easy to take. Once our life season changed, money and time got tight. We had to fight for every moment together. 

The moment you resolve to do it, an unforeseen obstacle will inevitably appear. But intentional quality time together matters, so fight for it.

Want to know more? Read “Why Intentional, Quality Time Matters.” 

 

The Good Stuff: Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. (Proverbs 3:3)  

Action Points: What 1% change could you make toward your spouse today? Start today, and commit to making it a daily habit. 

December 31

New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

By Lisa Lakey

For years, I made New Year’s resolutions. And for years, I failed to follow through on any of them past January 31.

One year, my resolutions were to drop 20 pounds, read through the entire Bible with a daily reading plan, and to complete a couples devotional with my husband. All good things, right? Now let me tell you about reality.

Hours after stating those lofty goals, our youngest wandered out of his room with a stuffed puppy and an earache. The rest of the night was spent consuming leftover Christmas candy as he slept upright on my chest. (Side note: I gained five pounds that year.) By the end of the month, I had replaced the Christmas candy with Valentine’s Day sweets, we made it to the second page of the devotional, and I was two weeks behind on my reading plan.

The following year, the shame of failing didn’t make it any easier to follow through with the next round of resolutions.

It’s not that I don’t want to better myself—I do. But instead of giving myself a list of goals to be a better me, be a better wife, have a better marriage this year, I’m focusing on what we did right, instead of a list of things we need to be better at. I’m calling these “anti-resolutions.”

Here’s my list:

• Most of our meals this year were spent together at the dinner table.
• We tag-teamed like champs when one kid had a string of injuries that threw our calendar into chaos.
• We made a solid attempt at family devotions.
• We snuck away for lunch more during the week.
• We had some hard conversations about our relationship and managed to act like mature adults.
• We practiced forgiveness and grace when we didn’t want to.

If New Year’s resolutions are something you enjoy, hear ideas about resolutions that bring you closer to God.  

The Good Stuff: Let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice! Seek the LORD and his strength … Remember the wondrous works that he has done. (1 Chronicles 16:10-12)

Action Points: Tonight, instead of making a list of to-dos, list the ways you’ve seen God moving in your marriage this last year, memories that were made, and even ways you overcame hard situations together.

The post December – I Do Everyday appeared first on FamilyLife®.

“Taryn” is a manager in a Christian nonprofit. She pulls long, passionate, thoughtful hours managing others and making critical decisions toward the organization’s mission to represent Jesus around the world. 

But in light of the world identifying Jesus’ disciples by how they love one another, Taryn sometimes finds this harder as a woman in her organization. 

“I’ve seen firsthand that when a man presents the same idea as a woman, the idea and the presenter’s expertise is trusted with far fewer questions, and the idea takes off. So I’ve actually asked male colleagues to present an idea of mine without any attribution. I wish I didn’t need to channel my ideas through a male mouthpiece for them to be taken seriously.”  

By the numbers

Of churchgoing women, Barna reports 27% do not feel they’re making the most of their potential. Their research also indicates:

• Twenty percent feel underutilized.
• Sixteen percent feel opportunities are limited by their gender.
• Thirty-seven percent feel ministry would be more effective if women were given more opportunities to lead.

Barna notes, “Only half of women (47%) say the male leaders in their church are willing to change the rules and structures to give women more leadership opportunities.”

Wheaton professor Dr. Amy Reynolds concludes, “The church and church-based organizations are missing out on a depth and breadth of perspective that is necessary to be the church. Some of this may not be due to principled opposition to women in leadership, but due to a lack of initiative to support and actively encourage women in leadership.” 

What do we stand to lose?

When ministries and churches increase diversity within leadership, science indicates this opens the door for more creativity, better decision-making, and positive financial outcomes. When we welcome all of God’s body to the table, we’re simply better. Business professional Diane Paddison notes, “Like many other working women, I would like to feel that my professional ability—a great gift that God has given me—is welcomed and acknowledged by my church along with my maternal proclivities.”

Even more, to empower women critically displays God’s heart to current and future generations. Some Christian women perceive that in secular employment, their voices are more welcomed and celebrated, pay is greater and more fair, women can advance, and their God-given value is actively sought, even if it’s not celebrated as such. 

This is our opportunity toward renown for both God’s Word and His intentional, image-bearing creation of women. 

Can the gospel, the church, and the Great Commission afford not to develop women to their fullest God-honoring potential? 

7 ways to develop and empower women

Consider ideas like these.

1. Be clear about where you stand. 

One director of diversity at a Christian missions organization suggests clarity in a Christian organization’s communication and pursuit of gender diversity. 

The director offers, 

If you’re providing equal access to both genders to all positions and levels of leadership, do you have a plan to intentionally pursue that diversity—assuming you see the value of diverse opinions on their leadership and decision-making teams? 

If a value is stated but not observed, staff will begin to question leadership’s actual value of equal access. Decision-making teams will also lack representation from the variety of staff that they are representing and miss out on the various gifts, perspectives, and skills brought by both genders and other diversity.

When we “just let things happen naturally” and not intentionally pursue diversity, there are often unrealized factors that prevent us from becoming more diverse—like unconscious bias, workplace culture, and simply tending to prefer people like us.

If, as a workplace, you determine different roles are available differently because of gender, be extremely clear about this—and be open with your staff about the reasoning and implications, she recommends. 

If this is clear, women will hopefully know what they’re signing up for. If not, this can breed resentment and confusion.

2. Invite her in. 

Studies indicate faith-based organizations statistically struggle with females self-monitoring to the point they stifle their own diverse opinions. Harvard Business Review (HBR) calls this the “’modesty mandate’ that can lead [women, those of Asian descent, and first-generation professionals] to hold back their thoughts or speak in a tentative, deferential way.” 

Counter these biases by asking these populations to not hold back, but speak up, and then directly requesting their opinions: “Tamara, you’ve had a lot of experience on this. What’s your take?” Then, acknowledge what they’ve shared. 

Like other less represented groups in a business, whether faith-based or church setting, women may shrink back if there’s a dominant style of conflict or interruption. Stop the interruption or circle back to acknowledge their opinion. This helps chronic interrupters understand the desired communication style, as well, notes Brittany Adams, Human Resources Deputy Director and Diversity Specialist at Engineering Ministries International. 

In the desire to interrupt these biases, HBR also suggests the best managers, in the interview process, “insist on a diverse pool, precommit to objective criteria, limit referral hiring, and structure interviews around skills-based questions. Day to day, they should ensure that high- and low-value work is assigned evenly and run meetings in a way that guarantees all voices are heard.”

Further, research indicates women tend to move more toward leadership when: 1) participating on teams, 2) mentored toward that end, 3) specifically invited into leadership by other leaders, both female and male, and 4) connecting with women outside of their areas of service as a “release valve” for their unique pressures. 

3. Affirm genuinely.

A woman also faces unique challenges, like internalizing the mindset that a woman should not lead, ask questions, or request additional discussion, as well as devaluation of her role in a Christian workplace. Glanz observed the pain of Christian women leaders from others’ assumptions: perhaps that she was a feminist, liberal in her theology and interpretation of Scripture, and angry at men due to the woman’s past experience.     

So restate to a woman that you’d want her on your team. Tell her openly what she brings that’s valuable to the team. And when offering constructive feedback, consider language that calls her forward: “If you did this better, I imagine you’d be even stronger.” 

And then continue to humbly solicit and employ her feedback on your own performance: “Is there a way you see I could grow or better support you?”

4. Check your narrative.

Biola University professor and researcher Leanne Dzubinski notes some organizations may practice “sanctified sexism”: They justify treating a woman differently, perhaps in the name of chivalry or protection. Yet they make decisions for her, like deciding she wouldn’t want a role because she has children to care for.

Adams suggests, “When desiring to ask about personal goals or priorities, consider whether you would ask a male colleague the same questions. If not, ask yourself whether the question is necessary or perhaps whether you would like to start asking male colleagues the same questions—if the goal is really to help them holistically think through their career path.” 

If you’d like to ask about a woman’s home life, ask her for permission first—and make sure you’ve established the relational passport to do so. 

Rather than pigeonhole or form assumptions, use gender norms to build your understanding and feed your questions and curiosity, ask, “Is that what it’s like for you?” 

5. Assume the cost for boundaries deemed necessary.

When a male or organization feels the need to establish boundaries, the organization or person of higher authority absorbs the cost, rather than the woman being held back for lack of opportunities to serve, be involved in conversations, advance, etc. 

Say, for example, a man or organization wants to utilize the “Billy Graham rule,” where a man will not go out to lunch, share an elevator, or travel on a business trip alone. In this case, the organization or leader’s budget should consider allocating extra funds to allow a third person to go on the lunch or business trip—rather than subtracting an opportunity for the woman or person of lower power. Or perhaps they fund installing a window in the office where the man and woman might meet alone.

BiasInterrupters.org suggests holding meetings during business hours (not on the golf course on the weekend), and attempting to not make assumptions about a woman’s competency or commitment if she’s pregnant (or could become that way). 

6. Openly discuss power dynamics in a room. 

If the majority of men in a room possess titles higher than the women, acknowledge how this could affect opinions being shared. 

Researcher Margarita Mayo observes elsewhere in HBR, “In a previous study my colleagues and I found that women tend to rate their abilities accurately, while men tend to be overconfident about theirs. Thus, one argument goes, women are less confident than men, which hurts their chances of promotion.” So be willing to call a woman into a position in order to develop her or challenge her, rather than only utilizing skills she already displays or self-identifies.

7. Exercise care when she needs to grow in an area of gender norms.

Some men feel hesitant at all to lead or manage a woman, wary of missteps … or land mines. 

What about when you suspect she needs to grow—but it’s in an area of gender stereotypes, like being melodramatic or lacking assertiveness?

First, ask God to grant discernment, revealing any log in your own eye. Then, proceed cautiously. Still, don’t shrink back if you’d give the same advice to a man in a similar situation. 

This is a great time to evaluate personal assumptions about gender norms, preferences, and core beliefs. The female director explains, “[If I were a man,] It may be helpful for me to admit that I prefer women who are warm and quiet, but does that mean every woman I work with needs to conform to this norm? Can I differentiate between ‘kind and respectful’ versus ‘deferential and timid’?” 

Mayo’s research for HBR indicates competency for men often requires the perception of confidence. But women must also be perceived as confident and warm. Vice versa, competence breeds the perception of confidence in men. Yet women needed to be competent and warm (even more than men) to be perceived as confident—and consequently, as less influential in the organization. 

Mayo concludes, “To get credit for having confidence and competence, and to have the influence in their organizations that they would like to have, women must go out of their way to be seen as warm.”

To preach a clearer gospel

We must ask: Is this how the church should be? 

Strengthening the powerless threads itself endlessly through Scripture, commanding us against favoritism and stifling the voiceless, while lifting unjust yokes (James 2:1, Proverbs 31:8, Isaiah 58). These values mirror the gospel itself to a watching world—how Jesus grants all people dignity, justice, agency, and equality (Galatians 3:28). 

As Christ followers, we should be among the first—as Jesus was—to cheer on and empower women. Yet that’s not seen or felt by many women in ministry. 

For the benefit of the church and the world, we can expand women’s reach without compromising the Word of God and His flawless authority structure—displaying the Trinity’s own roles and submission in churches and homes. Jesus, too, both submitted to the Father and was sent into the world.  And Paul reminds, “On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor” (1 Corinthians 12:22-23),  an honor women statistically do not sense in key ways. 

How can we maximize the gifts, minds, and hearts of this underrepresented half of His Body, “giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other” (1 Corinthians 12:24-25)?

We empower women for reasons bigger than the world’s reasons

Because in developing and empowering women, we as Christ-followers welcome others as He welcomed us (Romans 15:7). We covenant to ensure the church represents God’s image in its entirety. More than representing democratic ideals, we represent a Savior who sought interactions with the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, Martha, Simone. Who lifted women from the place the world had assigned them, and into positions of beautiful dignity for His kingdom.

Copyright © 2023 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Art of Parenting®, Art of Marriage®, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her—“The Awkward Mom”—having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.

The post How Can I Empower Women Around Me To Lead? appeared first on FamilyLife®.

November 1

When Your Marriage Is Just Left of Center

By Janel Breitenstein

I strapped a spattered blue apron around my front, and sat at a wheel in the room smelling of dust and earth. It was often vacant save the quiet supervision of Karen and her muscular arms. My vision for pottery has always been a bit beyond my capability (classically me). This was confirmed by the faint raising of Karen’s eyebrows. 

The part that has always surprised me about pottery? The fierceness with which you must center the clay. 

It commences with a violent throw to the middle of the wheel. I probably don’t need to describe that without centering a lump of clay, the entire vase-to-be collapses. 

The accuracy of my initial throw isn’t enough. My muscles have to press and lean the vase into submission, for its own good. Even once we are happily spinning, I could throw the clay off-center.

It’s an analogy for my marriage, to be sure. My imagination looms large for its beauty and usability, my heart finds joy in the process. 

But without centering—everything else will be misaligned. If my ambition swells higher than proper centering allows? Everything falls. And it’s back to something resembling a gray pile of poop. 

It only makes sense. We were created for one worshipful Center: “For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever” (Romans 11:36).

Lean too much toward your spouse or your job or your kids, build too high without support from the Center? 

Everything’s out of orbit. 

Thankfully, even if you’ve failed to center, you’re not done. As long as you work out the air bubbles, it’s back to the wheel, the fervor, the happy sweat.

Marriage requires a lot of muscle, a lot of mess. Things are splattering and caving in, sometimes along with my confidence. 

But properly centered? Imagine the stunning potential.

Is your marriage centered correctly? Read “Building a Spiritual Foundation for Your Marriage.”

 

The Good Stuff: They exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. (Romans 1:25)

Action Points:

• Would it be accurate to say God is at the center of your marriage? Or is it more like He’s a great “add-on”?
• If you don’t have a believing spouse, how can you still make God the center of your portion of your marriage?
• What’s one area of your marriage and/or life together that might be leaning off-Center? Talk about it with your spouse.

November  2

Sweet or Unsweet?

By Lisa Lakey

In case you were wondering, my husband likes his tea sweet. Like one glass could give you a cavity kind of sweet. Me? I don’t even like tea. I drink coffee all day.

But I quickly learned to make sweet tea when my husband and I got married. Why? Because he loves it. And I love him.

Knowing and remembering things the two of us like or prefer is one habit we’ve developed to whisper “I love you.” Like when my husband drops a Diet Coke and a bag of peanut M&Ms on my desk when he knows I have to stay up late to work. Or I plop down on the couch after finally getting the kids to bed and he turns off his favorite show to turn on mine instead.

Knowing each other’s preferences makes us feel loved and, well, known. That’s a fantastic feeling.

When I feel known, I am more likely to open up to my husband because I feel like he gets me—he sees me. He thinks of me affectionately in the middle of the mundane. It creates a safe space for me to be myself, quirks and all. And trust me, I have a lot of quirks.

And the same goes for our spouses. It’s not enough that they know us. We have to actively pursue knowing them. What makes your spouse feel loved? Safe? Scared? Insecure? What idiosyncrasies can you adore a little?

It’s a tangible expression to me of the God who has my name written on the palms of His hands (right where an M&M might melt). The same God who beckons me to approach Him with all kinds of thoughts and requests. The God who created and loves my “isms.”

That’s a bit deeper than sweet tea.

Do you embrace your spouse’s differences, or resent them? Learn why celebrating your differences is key to a great friendship in your marriage.

The Good Stuff: I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me. (John 10:14)

Action Points: Take time out of your day today to ask your spouse one or two questions to get to know them better. Here are some suggestions:

• What is a dream you’ve never had the confidence to pursue?
• What is one compliment you’ve received that you’ve always remembered?
• What is one fear that you can’t seem to conquer?
• If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?

November 3

Shut the Blasted Door

By Ed Uszynski

We’ve lived in our current house just short of 12 years.

At three times a day, that means I’ve requested someone shut the door leading to our laundry room around 12,672 times.

Amy and our four kids could care less about that door getting shut.

I’ve begged, raged, pouted, acted passive aggressive, slammed, punished—nothing works.

I sometimes fantasize about rigging it so anyone who walks through without closing the door gets an electric shock. Or sets off an eardrum-shattering alarm.

I like the shock idea better.

I mean, it’s come to that.

I’ve got my reasons for wanting it shut and I think they’re all good ones. But—and I think I seriously mean this—does it really matter?

Undoubtedly, someone in your home constantly does something that bothers you. That makes your blood boil. That thwarts your desire for control. That creates palpable stress.

But what if situations like these relatively slight but real moments actually exist to grow your patience? If biblical patience is the capacity to “endure discomfort without complaint,”* what better way to acquire it than with situations that repeatedly make us angry or upset?

What if by God’s Spirit, enduring small, petty annoyances actually trains us to handle bigger, more significant types of suffering along the way? Colossians 1:11 speaks of us being “strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience…”

Looking at that open door, I need power for endurance and patience just as much as I need it waiting for my spouse to grow, for a job to appear, or for the cancer to leave.

They all involve the same raw feelings and the same Spirit-fueled solution.

Patient joy instead of electric-shock therapy.

Ok.

But if you do come over, please…

Shut. The. Door.

The small stuff aside, how do you build a marriage that lasts? Check out this episode of FamilyLife Today®.

The Good Stuff: Love is patient and kind. (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Action Points: When it comes to your spouse, what’s that pet peeve that drives you bananas? How might God’s Spirit be speaking to you—and hoping to change you—in your annoyance?

November  4

I’ve Had Three Wives so Far

By Carlos Santiago 

My first wife had a mouth like a sailor. She was harsh and always on guard, ready to attack if anyone crossed her.

My second wife was polite but insecure in her own skin. She hated conflict and the spotlight, preferring instead to avoid both.

My current wife is strong, yet gentle. She doesn’t seek the spotlight, but won’t let it prevent her from doing what needs to be done either.

Each of these women holds a special place in my heart, but don’t ask me which one I love the most because I can’t decide. You see, they’re all the same person.

My wife and I have been together since 1992. Each day we’ve changed, ever so slightly, from who we were into who we are.

Concerns about tests, summer jobs, and senior prom morphed into ones about rent, kids, and career. I hope someday they’ll morph again into concerns about an empty nest, grandkids, and retirement.

She is not the same girl that I fell in love with, and that’s okay.

I’m not the same person either. This is a good thing. We need to grow.

As long as we take the time to pay attention to the little, day-by-day changes we experience in our lives, we’re okay. But sometimes circumstances get in the way. Little changes pile up, and when we finally take a moment to look, we’re surprised at what we see. Then we have to work twice as hard to get reacquainted.

I know my wife will be substantially different 10 years from now. If I don’t want to wake up one day and be disappointed by who I see lying next to me in bed, I need to start getting to know my future wife today.

Even the best marriages can feel the pull of isolation. Listen to how one couple came back stronger than before after experiencing “the drift.”

The Good Stuff: When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:11-12)

Action Points: Do you know who your spouse is today? How are their current struggles reshaping them? Set up a time to discuss these questions with your spouse over coffee or tea.

November  5

Forgotten Treasures in Marriage

By Jim Mitchell 

As an aspiring craftsman, exotic woods always catch my eye.

The contrasting dark-light variations in black walnut. The unpredictable knots and grain patterns of live-edge pecan. Sucks me right in every time.

So when I stumbled across something called “old growth sinker cypress,” I was intrigued.

All I know about cypress is that it is moisture and pest repellant, and therefore perfect for outdoor applications. But what makes it “old growth,” and what does “sinker” mean?

What I discovered made me fall in love with the wood … and my wife.

You see, old growth sinker cypress derives its name from centuries old cypress logs, some more than six feet in diameter, harvested during the Revolutionary War for King George III, lying on the river bottoms of wetland areas like Louisiana and Florida.

As loggers originally attempted to float these immense trees down river, some of the denser, heavier logs sank to the bottom. Sunken treasures, lost to the world.

Until recently, when modern sonar technology began to enable their rescue. And the result has been breathtaking!

The cold-water submersion process has not only preserved these logs perfectly, it’s actually contributed to their beauty and character and overall value.

A maze of pecky-wood holes weaving through the tightly-clustered growth-rings. Artful strokes of red and olive brushed into the wood’s natural golden hue by the rich minerals and tannins of the river’s soil. All of which makes old growth sinker cypress wood desirable and highly sought after.

And all of which brings me to my marriage, and maybe yours too.

Beauty. Character. Value. Submerged, perhaps. Sunk beneath a steady flow of the ordinary. Buried in the soil of the mundane. Lost to the world.

But a closer look reveals treasure not just preserved, but enhanced by every growth-ring experience of life.

Hidden treasure, awaiting discovery. And the result is breathtaking!

Do you want to weatherproof your marriage? Listen to David and Meg Robbins talk about the tools you need.

 

The Good Stuff: For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

Action Points: No matter how long (or brief) your marriage, there are plenty more discoveries to make. Some may float to the surface on their own. But the real finds lie beneath the surface. Will you look for them?

November 6

The Gift of What You Thought You Couldn’t Do

By Janel Breitenstein  A friend of mine recently enlisted my father-in-law’s help to lay laminate flooring. “You know what the best part was?” she marveled. “He held himself back so I could learn and do it myself. I’m doing the next one on my own.” I thought of this recently in one of those weeks where my husband and I were moving so fast, the wind moving past doubled as exfoliation. My husband prepped for his talks at a leadership training, then headed out for a conference. Overloaded, he tasked me with managing a timely real estate contract. I was eager to help, but daunted. My gifts lie squarely with creativity. I do words and music and people; not numbers, tedium, or contracts. And if I didn’t manage this correctly, we could be “gifted” a lawsuit. Yikes. I nodded, rearranged my expression into I’ve-got-this mode, and remembered the excellent wife of Proverbs 31: “She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard” (verse 16). Or in the fond words of American lore: Put on your big girl panties and deal with it. I dialed our lawyer, issued about 23 emails, spent a couple of hours on the phone, and occasionally texted my overloaded husband a question. He’d answer the biggies. But for most of my queries, his response was the same: I’m trusting you to manage this. And perhaps that was the most empowering part. My husband stepped back and believed I could. In the process, he instilled me with confidence. No matter our gender, it can be hard to trust a partner with the big rocks. The possibilities for ineptitude, inefficiency, or danger loom large. But what if micromanaging stifles our spouse’s growth? What if it prevents him or her from maturing into a strong, skillful partner? Obviously, God has given us wisdom to discern when someone’s not ready for a particular responsibility (like when a spouse struggles with addiction, for example). And sometimes, our spouses should be developed in a skill set rather than lobbed into the deep end. But sometimes, we give our spouse a gift in being okay with a margin of failure or flexibility. In stepping back and saying, “You can.” When we feel known and accepted in our marriage, it gives us the freedom to thrive or even fail. The Good Stuff: And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also. (2 Timothy 2:2) Action Points: What effects do you witness in your marriage and your spouse when you trust him or her as a capable partner? If you’re in a healthy, safe marriage—pick a single area where you could take the next step in trusting and empowering your spouse. 

November  7

Does She or Doesn’t She?

By Tom Davis 

In 1956, the Clairol Corporation launched a new product that revolutionized the beauty industry. Miss Clairol was the first hair-color bath that made it possible to lighten, tint, condition, and shampoo at home in a single step and get results in 20 minutes.

Shirley Polykoff, an advertising copywriter, came up with the line, “Does she … or doesn’t she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.” Armed with the slogan and 13 ad pages in Life magazine, Miss Clairol took America by storm.

I’ve gotta be honest: Sometimes even my wife may not know for sure what’s going on with me under the surface—on a deeper level, within my own heart—much less my hairdresser. But when it comes to marriage, we should not leave our spouse guessing, “Does he … or doesn’t he love me?” Our spouses want to know for sure.

There are times when we keep up appearances, declaring our love, without that commitment penetrating to a level of truly altering our individual agendas, dreams, and lives.

Even when the roots begin to show.

It’s hard, in our culture, to distinguish between the bona-fide and the bottle, so to speak. Lust, sex, and infatuation are hopelessly jumbled up in our definition of love.

Yet God’s definition is radically opposite: “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us” (1 John 3:16).

Another way to say this is, “By this we know someone’s true colors.” This brand of love is a commitment to the best interests of my spouse no matter the cost.

Our wedding vows mirror Jesus’ commitment to love us: In sickness and in health (sacrifice). Forsaking all others (priority). ‘Til death do us part (perseverance).

What could it look like for you to let your “real color” show through—backing up your commitment to your spouse with self-sacrificing action?

For more on commitment, read “A Marriage License Is Not a Receipt.”

The Good Stuff: Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:11)

Action Points: Read Luke 9:57-62. How is your love commitment to Jesus fleshed out in your love commitment to your spouse?

November  8

Planes, Trains, and Autocorrect

By Lisa Lakey 

My husband’s job requires a certain amount of travel. Currently, we are anticipating him being away for a two-week stint.  

We don’t enjoy it, but we adjust. And staying connected is far easier today than it was 20 years ago. I can video chat with him, call, and text him anytime, anywhere. (Video chat wasn’t even a thing when we were dating.)

But sometimes, I rely on it too much.

While technology has been our solid ally during his travels, autocorrect is my steady foe.

Before one particular trip, the husband and I were arguing over something I can’t even remember. But at the time, it was so important that we both went to bed angry. 

When I woke up the next morning, he had already left. Realizing how petty this argument really was, I shot him a quick text and went about my morning.

About 30 minutes later, I get his reply: “Wow.” Um, not the response I expected from an apology. Feeling my blood boiling, I started to shoot off a heated text back. But looking at the text thread on my phone stopped my angry fingers in their tracks.

The text I had sent read, “I’m sorry I loathe you.” It was supposed to be, “I’m sorry. I love you.”

I quickly called to explain how autocorrect had failed me again. We laughed about it, but I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t trust your fingers to type what your lips should be saying.

Technology is great, but it does not replace your spouse hearing certain things from your lips … I’m sorry … I love you … You are so good looking … Kiss me now!

Flirty texts are fun, but hearing it is so much sweeter. So next time your fingers get the urge to type up something sweet, let your lips do the talking. 

Autocorrect won’t get in the way.

Is social media a hindrance or helpful in your marriage? Read more. 

The Good Stuff: Pay attention to yourselves! If you brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. (Luke 17:3) 

Action Points: Send half of a flirty text to your spouse. Once you are together, finish it in person. Example: Text, You look so good when … When you see your spouse, say, “when you just get out of the shower and your hair is a mess.”

November 9

Who Won the Argument?

By Janel Breitenstein 

Question: Between you and your spouse, who’s the one who typically wins arguments?

(I know. Dangerous ground, right?)

Here’s the funny thing I’m learning from conflict. Sometimes “who’s right” is only a very small percentage of a successful argument.

Anyone married any length of time will tell you that even if you win, you can actually lose. To be more specific: You can end up being right … and trampling your spouse.

Your spouse feels belittled, or alienated, or superseded, or simply not heard or understood. Something dear to him or her may not have been treated as important or meaningful or worth feeling by you.

And honestly? That means both of you lost.

Sometimes there’s a lot revealed in the questions we ask ourselves. Even the question, “Did I do the right thing?” can blow past other important questions. First Corinthians 13:1-4, for example, reminds us that we can do it all right and still gain nothing if we don’t have love.

Our desire to be right or do right can sometimes be so fierce that we’re afraid to hear what we’re doing wrong.

It can keep us from changing. From truly entering into our spouse’s concerns and imagining what their world is like.

“Right” can block out humility and true care.

Conflict is an opportunity to honor God—in ways like these and more:

• Trusting Him.
• Loving our spouse well.
• Depending on Him.
• Seeking His purposes rather than ours.
• Becoming more fruitful as we understand perspectives and desires beyond our own.
• Growing to be like Jesus.
• Letting go of desires that have ballooned into idolatrous demands.

So “winner of the argument” ironically does not go to the one who argues best.

If the winner of the argument isn’t both of you—often, you both lose.

Go for the real win.

Read “6 Steps for Resolving Conflict in Marriage.”

 

The Good Stuff: Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)

Action Points: The next time a conflict is brewing between the two of you, take time to look your spouse in the eyes and ask sincerely, “What do you wish I understood right now?” Help your spouse to feel heard. And work toward a solution that addresses both of your interests that lie beneath the presenting issue.

Novemer 10

Are You Listening to Me?

By Lisa Lakey 

Two weeks prior, I told my husband we had been invited to a friend’s home for dinner. 

“Sounds great,” he said. 

Unfortunately, it was apparently not great enough for him to remember. 

When the day came, he strolled through the front door 30 minutes late and sweaty from an afternoon of golf. “Do you even hear me when I talk?” I asked. 

I wish that were a one-way question. But I’m guilty of the same thing. (My husband would say this is especially true with car-related issues.)

I bet you can relate. We are experts at “hearing” our spouses. The noise of their words hits our ears, but taking the time to focus in on their meaning is a totally different skill. 

It requires a willingness to tune out extra distractions like phones, kids, TV, or even hunger (It’s hard for me to focus on anything when I need a snack). 

Truth? I naturally tend to tune in to what interests me most … and tune out everything else.

But sometimes it goes even deeper. Resentment and unresolved conflict also seem to have a noise-cancelling effect when I’m listening to my husband.

If I know my husband is really hearing me, I feel loved, cherished, valued, and understood. It communicates that I deserve his attention and he desires to understand my heart. 

And that sense of priority cuts both ways.

Listening is a practical, everyday way to place the needs of others above my own. God Himself listens to my cries when I pray to Him, as David reminds us in Psalm 18:6. Just as God listens to me, I long to listen to my spouse—beyond the sound waves hitting my ears.

https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/psalms/18-6.html

 

Is listening about humility? Check out this Real FamilyLife® minute. 

The Good Stuff: Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. (James 1:19)

 

Action Points: Turn off all distractions for an hour (except the kids, just put them to bed a bit early). Take turns listening to each other’s days, thoughts, rants, etc. Don’t interrupt, but practice really hearing each other.

November  11

Help! I’m the Higher-Libido Spouse—Part I

By Janel Breitenstein 

Can we get real? There is scientific research supporting that men generally have higher libidos than women. But in 25% of marriages, it’s the female whose drive is higher. So let’s talk.

When a husband declines sex, it affects more than a woman’s ego or physical needs.

We might be thinking, 

What’s wrong with me? 

Am I not attractive? Would someone else find me attractive?

Is he attracted to someone else?

Is he getting it somewhere else? 

What am I supposed to do with all this desire? 

I’m an affair waiting to happen.

I don’t know what I’ll do if he rejects me again. I’ve tried everything.

It’s private and awkward to discuss with anyone, husbands included. But it can also sting because our souls are welded to our bodies—sexuality is a microcosm of our worlds, a nakedness not just of body, but of mind and spirit. 

Though there are physical factors (medication, hormonal imbalances, radical prostate surgery, obesity)—emotional issues are far more likely to influence libido. Before you make assumptions about what you deem an atypical sex drive, consider factors like these:

• Overwork/lack of margin
• Fear of intimacy
• Season of life: young kids, grief, failure at work (leading to diminished masculinity and confidence), etc.
• Marital conflict
• Boredom
• Past abuse/sexual history
• Anger
• Anxiety about sexual performance
  
  

Taking it a step further, our assumptions about sex drive may affect us more than actual desire (or what we perceive to be a lack thereof on the part of our husbands). Sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma writes, “If you are the high [sexual-]desire spouse in your marriage, what you think about your husband’s low desire is far more important than his actual desire level, in predicting pain in your marriage.”* What conclusions are you already drawing … and how are they influencing your unity?

Let’s look beneath the surface—not only of our spouses, but ourselves. (Tomorrow we’ll be talking to husbands, as well.)

What does your sex life tell you about your marriage? Read on. 

 

The Good Stuff: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8) 

Action Points: The Creator of sex knows what’s beneath the presenting symptom of diminished libido. Ask Him for His wisdom and opportunities to not simply talk about this with your husband, but to actually champion his journey of healing. You might pray something like this:

Help me love and accept my spouse unconditionally. 

Help me see what might be influencing this situation. When You show me, please give peace and wisdom to know what to do. 

Help me take captive my thoughts and make them obedient to You (2 Corinthians 10:5). Don’t let me be driven by fear and anxiety. 

*https://shaunti.com/2015/11/when-she-has-the-stronger-sex-drive-part-one/

November 12

Help! I’m the Higher-Libido Spouse—Part II

By Janel Breitenstein

Yesterday we explored some of the intense heart issues when libido in a marriage is asymmetrical (as it often is). Whether the spouse with the lower sex drive is the husband or the wife, here are more ideas on how to deal.

1. Open up communication.

• Approach your spouse when he or she is relaxed and cared for. Communicate you’re in his or her corner. You might talk while snuggling or holding hands.

• Watch your nonverbals. Commit to stay chill and empathetic.

• Understanding, not fixing, is your goal right now.

  • “I want to talk about something awkward that means a lot to me. I’m noticing you’re not wanting a lot of sex lately.”

  • “I want you. I like sex with you!”

  • “I want to understand what you might be going through on a bigger scale. Can you help me know what it’s like to be you lately? What might be going on that I’m not aware of?”

2. Speak life.

This is your opportunity—in a vulnerable place for both of you—to speak a direct, healing message to insecurity. I accept you 100%—and unconditionally. This isn’t me against you. Let’s heal together. I will be with you the whole way, even if you can’t meet my desire.

You’re communicating what Jesus did in our weakness: I will go the distance to accept you when you cannot perform. I will give of myself to bring you close.

3. Get intentional.

This could mean:

• Engineering a less congested schedule

• Getting some cardio exercise together, assisting sexual function

• Troubleshooting medication issues

• Locating an accountability group for struggles with porn or extramarital attraction

• Seeking counseling for the perpetual conflict or for deep-seated issues stealing confidence and adequacy

• Giving some lead time (via text or conversation) to warm up to the idea of sex later in the day

• Reminding your spouse of what is going right, where value lies—and that you’re still their biggest fan

• Guarding your “diet” of friends’ and media’s expectations—which can stoke unmet desire. How will you reroute sexual energy?

As you work to overcome isolation, hide even the most intimate parts of yourself in the One who sees you.

Need a little bedroom boost? Read about how intimacy is about far more than sex.

The Good Stuff: “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” (Song of Solomon 2:15)

Action Points: Take one minute to pray for your sexual relationship―and about which suggestions above God would have you heed.

November 13

When Your Spouse Isn’t a Spiritual Hero

By Janel Breitenstein 

It’s a cringe-worthy moment.

Someone’s talking about how they pray or have devotions together every night. What would you even say? That your spouse rolls her eyes when you broach the subject? That you’re dragging him to church?

Thoughts to consider:

1. Take inventory.

Am I grateful for what my spouse is doing right? Do they know it? When I’m honest, how much of this is my own image management?

2. Understand your spouse’s whys.

Is there alienation or anger about spiritual issues? Does she associate rejection or shame with church?

Until you understand the underlying “disease,” you could actually compound your spouse’s hurt or anger by addressing symptoms only. Creating a safe place to get honest and heal is critical. We all walk through sickness and health of the soul, too.

Inward transformation for your spouse is encouraged by your listening to understand. Not instructing.

3. Place your trust where it belongs.

We fear what happens if he doesn’t step up. We fear for her soul or spiritual maturity. We’re a little embarrassed for him (and ourselves) because of associated social failures.

We’re usually grieving legitimate loss, too: of the hopes for our homes or marriages; of having an ally in the foxhole, a teammate in what matters. And in that, we can cry out to and take refuge in God like so many before us.

Ultimately, our trust can’t be in our spouses. It’s in God, who gives the growth (1 Corinthians 3:6-7).

4. Show your spouse Jesus.

You may be the closest representation of God in your spouse’s life. Is God bitter and disappointed, waiting for someone to get their act together? Or is He patient and at peace, arms wide open?

The first step to your spouse witnessing Jesus starts right here, in how you meet their weakness.

Listen to nag-free ways to create change.

The Good Stuff: You have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. (Psalm 63:7).

Action Points: Acknowledge your heart’s questions, losses, and desires in the midst of your spouse’s weakness. Ask God for wisdom to love him or her well, and to be a source of healing for your spouse’s deep spiritual wounds.

November 14 

That Tantalizing Sneak Peek

By Lisa Lakey 

Smooching, kissing, making out, snogging. Whatever you want to call it, a good kiss is unlike anything else. Well, almost.

I’ve noticed in my own marriage that kissing matters. It’s one of the many ways my relationship with my husband certainly looks different than any other relationship. 

Even when we’re at odds, a kiss seems like a coming together of sorts. It reminds us we can disagree and still come back to each other again, still press through the air that separates us.

It’s that way with other things in marriage, too. Particularly sex. 

Someone once told me the Bible makes around 70 references to sex. I haven’t personally counted, so I have no idea if this is true. But it had me intrigued. 

If God thought it was important enough to mention again and again, we should be listening.

Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:3, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” He goes on to state that we don’t even have authority over our own bodies. Our spouses do. My body belongs to my husband and his to me. This isn’t license for us to take each other for granted. But it is a call to generosity and an invitation to intimacy. 

When you are given something precious to oversee, you take care of it, right? Our spouse’s bedroom needs should be no different from that stewardship. Making sure those needs are met not only benefits us physically (lots of science backs this up), but it cares for the relationship. It helps maintain the oneness God gifted to your marriage (See Genesis 2).

And kissing? It’s like a preview to enjoying that oneness. No, it doesn’t always lead to the feature, but it gives you a good glimpse of it.

How would you rate your kissing? Consider taking the 30-second kiss challenge. 

The Good Stuff: Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

Action Points: Make a point to kiss your spouse (make it a good one!) at least these three times each day: In the morning, when you come together after work, and before bed. As much as possible, let that kiss be a preview to something more.

November 15

5 Things To Be Thankful for When Your Marriage Is a Wreck

By Mary May Larmoyeux and Janel Breitenstein 

Moment of truth: It’s easy to give thanks for your marriage when your spouse tells you how great you look, your kids are bringing home A’s, and you’re getting all handsy in the kitchen.

But what about the days following your third miscarriage? Or a relapse? Or when we can’t stand each other? 

How do you thank God in the dark?

Try focusing on thanking Him for the things that are unchanging regardless of our circumstances:

1. Faith: I don’t have to earn my way to heaven. I’ve been made right with You because I trust Jesus’ work on the Cross on my behalf. (Galatians 2:16; John 3:16)

    

3. Creation: Your artwork is stunning. Thanks for this beauty, and the promise that the best is yet to come. (Revelation 4:11)

    

4. Love: When I read what real love is like—patient, and kind, not jealous or boastful, not seeking its own,  keeping no record of wrongs—I feel inadequate. But this is how You love—and how You’ll love through me. (1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7)

    

5. Suffering: Jesus and Paul accepted suffering—trusting, knowing they could endure hardships through Your stamina. And You give me the power to do the same; I can know You work it all for Your good purpose. (1 Peter 2:22-24; 1 Timothy 1:8)
   
   

5. I’m not in control: This is Your show. I’m so grateful Your Spirit prays for me right in line with Your plan, answers better than I imagine. Thanks for being over all this … and so much more trustworthy and perfect than I am. (Psalm 103:19, Romans 8:26-27)
   
   

When your relationship is in a slump, it’s helpful to remember that marriage is an investment. Be willing to stick it out to see the returns.

Check out these six prayers for marriage when it feels like you need a miracle. 

The Good Stuff: Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! (Psalm 107:1)

Action Points: What’s one way you individually want to express your gratitude to God today, even in the middle of a circumstance you can’t understand?

November 16

Got a Light?

By Janel Breitenstein 

Last winter, a neon-yellow index card served as a lamp for my family.

Before you go and try it—it wasn’t physical light. We were navigating some of the darkest days in our marriage, discovering our 13-year-old might have cancer.

My son inspired The Card, which now sits on my nightstand. Even as he cried, he started rehearsing what we were thankful for in all this. Turns out I needed that unflagging reminder, so I corralled our thanks on an index card. We kept adding to it.

In those hard days, gratitude helped me trust that despite what I see, there’s a reason for my pain.

Thankfulness and worship—this brand of sustained, true happiness—are closely braided. They throw my eyes up, away from my own navel; away from my demand that everything must go just as I hope. It shoves my husband and me from our near-sightedness. Casts a spotlight on gifts piling up right and left.

Suddenly, the Spirit’s fruit tumbles forth in a happy avalanche: Joy like an anchor. Peace I can’t articulate. Faith-filled trust that nourishes and bandages.

I feel loved rather than cheated. Secure rather than unmoored. Soothed rather than chafed.

It alters the fabric of a home to see the goodness of God everywhere. But gratitude is not natural. Like every other virtue, it is discipline imposed, choices sculpted into habit.

Though “what I want” was never the goal—I can now add “no tumor” to that Day-Glo index card. My son had an extra bone on his cervical vertebra. When we got the call, we dissolved in more thanks.

In his gratitude, my son uncovered for us an old lamp—a steady beam to navigate my most consuming darknesses.

Giving thanks in dark times is a humbling experience, but it helps to put our lives in proper perspective. Read “When You Don’t Feel Like Giving Thanks.”

The Good Stuff: For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. (Romans 1:21)

Action Points: Consider keeping a small gratitude journal—or even an index card—between you and your spouse, especially in hard times.

November 17

Stopping Toxic Thoughts During the Holidays (Part 1)

By Laura Way 

The holidays are stressful, right? Schedules … packed to-do lists … people we don’t often see (like your cousin’s father-in-law’s nephew). On top of it all is the pressure to make everything magical for everyone.

And while there are plenty of things vying for our attention this season, toxic thoughts don’t need to be one of them.

Especially those holiday-induced toxic thoughts that creep into our marriage.

What do I mean by “toxic”? Let’s look at some holiday hypotheticals, shall we?

Mind reading: My husband didn’t say anything about my new holiday dress, so he probably hates it.

Fortune telling: Last year, her conversations with my family got a bit tense. Things will probably be worse this year.

All-or-nothing thinking: I can’t afford the gift my wife really wants, why even try?

Sound familiar?

Here are a couple ways to stop toxic thoughts in their tracks this holiday season (tomorrow, we’ll send you two more!). Before they finagle their way between you and your love.

1. Recognize toxic thoughts before they take hold.
   
   

Toxic thoughts and thinking patterns can be insidious. Often, it starts with some kernel of truth that gets distorted and turned into a weapon against ourselves or others. You (or your spouse) make a mistake, or something out of anyone’s control goes wrong—then stress distorts the reality of mistake to mortal sin.

It sucks all the grace out of the room, when the reality is that grace abounds when stress abounds.

2. Replace toxic thoughts with helpful thoughts.
   
   

Be ready with gracious truths to replace the toxic thoughts: My spouse is only human, we’re both doing the best we can.

Or rehearse God’s lavish love for you: Nothing can separate me from the love of God (see Romans 8:39). Let His love spur on yours for your spouse.

Need a little more help? Check your inbox tomorrow for a couple more ideas.

Dreading the upcoming holiday festivities? Grab FamilyLife’s Holiday Survival Guide. 

 

The Good Stuff: For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

Action Points: What situations cause you to lean toward toxic thoughts during the holidays? Pray now for God to take hold of your thoughts.

November 18

Stopping Toxic Thoughts During the Holidays (Part 2)

By Laura Way 

Yesterday, we talked about how toxic thoughts can easily invade our minds—and marriages—this time of year.

Yes, the holidays can somehow bring out the worst in us. But here are two more ways to stop toxic thoughts from coming between you and your love.

1. Re-imagine your expectations.
   
   

Often, toxic thought patterns surface during the holidays when we have unrealistic expectations. Before the holidays are fully upon us is a great time to evaluate those expectations. Are we expecting ourselves, our spouse, the ambiance, and the weather to be “practically perfect in every way”? Or a dreadful disappointment?

Identify these self-made demands and re-imagine the possibilities. Things might go wrong, but we choose how we respond. They can be opportunities to marinate in self-pity, discontentment, and bitterness or opportunities to receive (and extend) God’s tender grace, forgiveness, comfort, and love.

2. Return to your knees.
   
   

There’s no use in sugar-coating it—the holidays can be challenging. Some of our deepest pains, losses, and fears have a way of coming out of our careful hiding to be featured prominently like an ugly Christmas sweater. Even the past hurts from our marriage can surface.

None of us want to wear that uncomfortable sweater. But we can wear our truest selves with God. It’s His love, acceptance, and delight our souls crave at their deepest level. As you breathe in His grace this holiday season, offer your toxic thoughts to Him in prayer.

Even if the focus of our giving thanks this year winds up being solely that Jesus understands our sorrows, isolation, being misunderstood, running up against the brokenness around us—then may connecting with Him be a gift we are willing to receive this year.

It’s hard to be grateful when life’s hard. Read more in “How Can I Be Thankful When My World’s a Wreck?”

The Good Stuff: I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” (Psalm 16:2)

Action Points: What expectations do you have this year that might be a bit out of touch with reality? Find time with your spouse to talk over holiday expectations and where you each may need to cut back to keep a healthy balance.

November 19

Your Boats are Burning

By Janel Breitenstein 

One year into marriage, they were already completely miserable as a couple. Someone asked us to meet with them to see if we could help.

We decided to meet with him first. I remember two sentences from our time together.

“In the weeks leading up to our wedding day, I knew I didn’t like her that much.”

Then why the heck did you get married?

“I told myself, if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just get divorced.”

Got it. Thank you. You can stop now. I think I understand what’s going on here.

And what you’re saying is both ridiculous and a great reminder.

If you’re not sure you like each other before the wedding, you definitely won’t after. “Liking” each other, outside of arranged marriage, is a prerequisite for marrying someone. It’s something to fall back on when frustration sets in.

But how many of us nurture some variation of his escape clause?

This guy approached marriage with a trump card he’d hidden up his sleeve, a Survivor immunity idol to keep him safe in case it got tough—which it inevitably would.

Maybe you’ve heard of Cortes, the explorer who sank his own ships to ensure his crew would follow him inland. With no opportunity for retreat, all their energy went into figuring out a way to make it work. For this and many other reasons, Cortes is not exactly a model leader. But the concept is transferable to marriage.

Even if you’ve divorced previously, have you expressed in your current marriage that divorce won’t be an option? Have you said it out loud to each other?

Say it today. Remind each other.

Be anchored by an agreed upon starting point that says, “No retreat.” Let the smell of that burning wood motivate you to be secure in your resolve.

To pray more for each other. To get counseling help. To forgive again. To remember why you first liked each other.

Whatever it takes.

Does your marriage need help? Check out our free resource, “How To Save Your marriage.”

The Good Stuff: What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. (Mark 10:9)

Action Points: Ever find yourself fantasizing about an escape hatch for your marriage? What pain points in your marriage most cause you to glance at the door? Choose one sacrificial solution you’ll actively pursue to do whatever it takes.

November  20

Whatever Happens, I Choose Us

By Scott Williams 

I tried a cleanse once. It involved a lot of weird capsules the size of a stalk of asparagus, and not a whole lot else.

Through my extensive Google research, turns out there are a wide variety of cleanses, in fact. They involve everything from garcinia cabogia, bone broth, infrared saunas, custom juices, and all sorts of goodies to purge … well, whatever. With a chunk o’change, you could clean out everything from your liver to your acne.

What if you could detox what matters and lasts?

More to the point—what could a marriage detox look like?

Nix the junk food.

Maybe it’s time for a fast from social media (and its byproduct, discontentment) or from criticism and divisive thoughts (1 Peter 3:8). 

It could be time to finally seek help for that porn problem.

Perhaps you need to burn the romance novels, or distance yourself from a friend who doesn’t encourage you in your marriage.

You may need to relentlessly purge your home of possessions that fool you with false satisfaction, drawing you away from God and each other.

Snack on whole foods.

What would it look like to feed your marriage nutritiously and without contaminants, getting back to the basics?

Could it involve reading the Word briefly together or praying together?

Would it be beneficial to tighten up on what media you consume together?

Is it time to surround yourselves with a supportive community, rather than living on a marital island?

Get some air.

The overwhelmed, overcommitted, exhausted version of the two of you—and your marriage—isn’t one where any marriage thrives or heals. It’s hard to clear the byproducts, so to speak, of irritability, resentment, and feeling used or unseen. What’s one thing you could stand to clear from your schedule?

Get off the couch.

It could be time for your family to burn some of its energy for purposes beyond itself. After all, as Proverbs teaches us, when we refresh others, we will be refreshed ourselves (Proverbs 11:25).

Does your marriage need a social media detox? Read more on both the good and harmful sides.

The good stuff: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Action Points: What’s one situation in which your mind is tempted to divert from your vows to each other? Find one Scripture to memorize which can arm you when you don’t feel like full commitment to your spouse.

November  21

4 Lessons on Marriage From the First Thanksgiving

By Lisa Lakey 

In search of a fresh start, the Pilgrims encountered sickness, a grueling winter, and death after landing on Cape Cod. But an alliance with the Wampanoag tribe changed everything, offering healing and restoration after a harsh season.

This story is one that resonates with all of us: that life is often not what we expected.

After our daughter was born, we went through a season of pain in our marriage. A big life change, unrealistic expectations, hurtful words, and unhealthy communication habits nearly destroyed us. I had expected the happiest time in our lives. Instead, I encountered what I thought was the death of our marriage.

But like the Pilgrims remembered during their first harvest, God is always working to restore His people. And that includes your marriage.

Here are four reminders that can apply to whatever season of marriage you find yourself in.

God is always worthy of praise. Especially in trials, our faith rests in the promise that God is working (see Romans 8:28). And that is a reason for praise.

There is always hope for tomorrow. I can’t help but think about the faith it took for the Pilgrims to plant those first few kernels of corn, not knowing whether they would produce a crop. It required hope. It can be hard to see past the struggles of today, but God always gives us hope for tomorrow.

We’re better together. An alliance was key to the colonists’ ultimate survival. Likewise, holding tight to your spouse through the storms of life can be the determining factor for the survival of your marriage. But sometimes it takes more than two. Letting a pastor or marriage counselor in on your pain is a wise step toward healing.

Seasons change. Like the Pilgrims, you might feel like you are just surviving. Been there. That first year after our daughter was born was just hard. But seasons change. A harsh winter can turn into a beautiful spring. But you’ll only know that if you wait out the winter storm.

No matter the season, did you know gratitude can maximize your joy?

 

The Good Stuff: For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3)

Action Points: Where is God working in your marriage? If you’re struggling to see God’s hand, pray. Ask Him to help you clearly see His goodness through the trials. If you’ve overcome struggles in the past, thank Him for His healing and restoration in your marriage.

November 22

When you live in Hawaii, where do you go on vacation?

By Janel Breitenstein 

At one point on my friend’s trip to Hawaii, the driver in his shuttle remarked, “I think I need to go on vacation.” 

My friend laughed. Where do you vacation when you live in Hawaii?

Wherever you live, it’s never all bliss. Yet, as C.S. Lewis wrote in The Magician’s Nephew, “What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing.” One side of my own house overlooks a VRBO (Vacation Rental by Owner). Still, God has to tap me on the shoulder from time to time: Just a reminder. You live in a place people go on vacation. 

Maybe your marriage as a whole has not turned out to be what you hoped. But what if at least parts of it are worthy of appreciating? What things in your marriage do you take for granted that would be someone else’s vacation, someone else’s greener grass?

Perhaps you can find gratitude in that your marriage is based on Judeo-Christian values, rather than oppressive value systems still in place in other parts of the world. Or your family can eat regular meals and are literate, or you have married by choice.

Even when the ways to thank God for your marriage feel paper-thin, perhaps it’s God Himself for which you can be thankful. That He’s in your marriage, that forgiveness and change and resurrection of dead things are always possible. That hope lives.

And even if your marriage is never resurrected, even if you find more things about your spouse you need to forgive rather than feel grateful for, thank God you can trust Him for the things you can change: In Him, you have the power to take responsibility for your own heart. 

Maybe that seems to set the bar low. Or is it only getting started, just tipping up our chins to spy God’s goodness?

If your marriage is less than blissful, and you feel like giving up, beware of “Greener Grass Syndrome.”

The Good Stuff: Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Action Points: Write your spouse a note of gratitude. Be both general and specific. And challenge yourself: Every day this month, could you come up with at least one thing to tell your spouse you’re grateful for about them or your marriage?

November 23

Who’s singing lead?

By Janel Breitenstein 

Recently, when singing with a band, I scrawled “4 inches” all over my sheet music.

I’m a backup vocalist, see. Rather than my lips brushing the mic, the entire mix sounds better when I’m four inches away. Otherwise, I obliterate the melody. Any sound engineer will tell you a sound that grabs your heart out of your chest involves just the right volume of each component.  

But it’s just so easy to get out of order. (Like the rest of life.)

Take marriage. With fingers spinning through the radio stations, you’d think falling in love is amazing enough to retrieve one from bankruptcy, cure liver failure, and absolve the world of all corrupt dictatorships. 

Throw to the wind morning breath, those boogers he wipes under the seat of the car, and her propensity to spend precisely three times the grocery budget. Love is where it’s at. 

So if you actually find that holiest of grails, it would be tempting to guard the love of your life like a pitbull; to put love and marriage and your spouse first. But whatever is first in our lives is where our allegiance lies. It informs our every decision and desire. It “sings lead” over every life category.

Our default voice in every mix—unless we deliberately overthrow it—will be ourselves and our passions. John Calvin famously wrote that we are “idol-making factories,” constantly manufacturing something for our hearts to bow to: We exchange the truth about God for a lie and worship and serve the creature rather than the Creator (Romans 1:25).

Ironically, in order to love my husband best, he needs to know I love God first—that God sings lead over all. 

Rather than sounding second rate, the rest of the band suddenly falls into place. Each of us will love each other with a fuller, more harmonious, Christ-like love when intimacy with God leads the band.

In this podcast, Bob Lepine reminds us that most of us got married for oneness, but that requires patience. 

The Good Stuff: Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. (1 John 4:11-12)

Action Points: How can you encourage each other to allow God to “sing lead”?

• Keep each other accountable for being in God’s Word. Ask each other what you’re learning about God.
• Go on a weekly walk to share prayers you’ve seen God answer and the ones you’re still waiting on. Texting these works great as a constant reminder.
• Spend time individually, then together confessing any misarranged loves in your life. Ask the Lord to help you want to put Him first, even above each other. 

November  24

Generosity is Attractive

By Laura Way 

Generosity is an attractive quality in a spouse.

When there’s an opportunity to give to charity, my husband and I take time to pray about it. Then we’ll both ballpark a number. My heart swells with love when his number’s higher than mine.

Once when studying Proverbs, he shared he was learning that financial stewardship (aka, using the money God gifts us) is often heralded as a virtue, but like the money itself, only when used the proper way. Stewardship is good when it leads to generosity. Stewardship is not so good if it only leads to accumulation.

My husband imagined that if there was currency in Heaven, bargaining might look more like each person trying to outdo each other in generosity rather than lowballing each other.

What a beautiful table! Let me give you $500 for it.

Thank you, but I couldn’t possibly take more than $300.

“Wouldn’t that be a fun way to bargain?” he asked.

It’s fun to give a generous gift to someone, but if I’m honest, it’s because I’m fairly certain I’ll have enough left for what I need. Jesus seems to teach a more radical generosity, though. Given from scarcity rather than abundance, which can feel more risky than fun.

Marriage pushes us toward a more radical way of giving—not just of money, but of my time and energy too. And daily life is like boot camp for living this out.

It feels risky to give extra pieces of me to my husband when I’m worried if I’ll have enough left for myself. Like at the end of the day, when I just really want time to watch TV or curl up with a good book, but my husband needs to talk about his day.

Thankfully, we can keep fixing our eyes on Jesus who perfectly modeled, “it’s more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). Because Jesus’ brand of generosity? That’s pretty attractive.

What if you and your spouse have different thoughts on generosity and money? Read 10 tips for talking this out with your spouse.

The Good Stuff: Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Corinthians 9:7)

Action Points: Is your life characterized by generosity? With money, with your time and energy? Does giving in these ways feel fun or risky? Ask God if He’ll empower you to trust Him to provide for your needs so you can give with a joyful heart.

November 25

I Fake-love You

By Janel Breitenstein 

Ever noticed how some expressions of real love seem to describe fake love?

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

We never fight.

I’m following my heart.

Let’s step back from the Top 40 and Nicholas Sparks for a minute.

In his book Love Like You Mean It, Bob Lepine writes:

Most of us got married because of how our spouse made us feel … So we said “I’ll move in and wear a ring and share a house payment and have kids with you—as long as you keep making me feel that way.”

… Most of us get married to get, not to give.

Real love isn’t defined by all the feels. Relational smooth sailing. Doing what you want. Maintaining an escape hatch when you’re so over it.

In fact, that kind of love may be the most fake. It doesn’t do the hard, committed work of genuine love.

First Corinthians 13:4-8 elaborates on real love: Patience. Kindness. Humility. Generosity. Gentleness. Virtuosity. Honesty. Tenacity. Resilience.

Here’s what it doesn’t say: Love feels good. It never responds to another’s pain and desires unless it wants to. It never argues. It makes sure others pull their weight. Love says whatever it’s thinking. Love sticks around till emotion does us part.

Real love is frequently counter to what comes naturally. But Christ showed love by His own death.

If genuine love is revealed in its sacrifice (patience, kindness, humility)—real love gut-punches all imitations structured around the opposite: personal satisfaction, happiness, and self-actualization that rarely deliver.

Wanting to know if your love is real? Take a look at its heart-center. If it first aims to honor God, then spouse? You’ve got the makings of real, lasting love.

Listen to Bob Lepine talk about how everything minus love equals nothing.

The Good Stuff: By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives… (1 John 3:16)

Action Points: What’s one love myth you’re most tempted to believe? Considering Satan is the father of lies—what’s one Scripture you can memorize to contradict that lie when it appears?

November 26

Doggie bag, please

By Lisa Lakey 

During a particularly low point in our marriage, the husband and I went to dinner with another couple. Newlyweds, in fact. (I know. What were we thinking?)

They were so sickeningly sweet to each other my teeth started aching before the appetizers came. I kid you not, they even touched their foreheads together and had this weird eye-contact moment. I had to look away.

By the time we got our entrees, I was nauseated from the sugar show. I asked the waiter for a doggie bag and packed my fettuccine to go. I was done.

In that moment, all I could think was how much better their relationship was than ours. How they were so in love when we were, at best, tolerating each other.

When married life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, I tend to forget comparison is a life-sucking trap.

It’s easy for us to look at another couple and think, Wow, they’ve got it all together. But in reality, they’ll face struggles similar to what we all face—job losses, busyness, financial hardships, sickness, even comparison. 

And you’ll likely never know it. In relationships, what you see on the surface doesn’t always reflect what’s going on inside.

We’ve had dinner with the same couple since that night. My husband and I were in a better place this time around, and (surprise) they didn’t seem so obnoxiously in love (not that it’s a bad thing). 

Maybe that had less to do with them, and more to do with my own attitude.

I didn’t compare our marriages during the meal, I just enjoyed the company. I was, however, able to savor my meal. No doggie bags required.

All marriages go through rough patches. Read on for three common arguments in marriage and how to deal.

 

The Good Stuff: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife … or anything that is your neighbor’s.” (Exodus 20:17)

Action Points: Stuck in comparison mode? Sit down (if not now, soon) and write out five things you are thankful for in your spouse or marriage. Share this list with your spouse.

November 27

Can You Little-Blue-Pill Your Way to a Better Marriage?

By Ed Uszynski 

It seems “little blue pill” commercials only come on our TV when one of my kids is sitting with me.

Tonight, all four kids are here with Amy and me as one begins.

And here comes the 9-year-old.

“Dad, what are those … some kind of candy?”

The more-informed turn toward me in joyous anticipation.

“You know what Trey … why don’t you go empty the garbage?”

Besides the family discomfort, I always catch a whiff of phoniness in those commercials, as though I could little-blue-pill my way to a better marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. If there are genuine physiological problems going on, this pill is a gift from God. But having a ready-for-sex relationship takes more than a magic pill—even if you really need it.

“Husbands, love [Greek: agape] your wives as Christ loved [agaped] the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, emphasis and notes added).

Agape means to unconditionally do what’s best for my wife, regardless of what it costs or what I get in return.

We agape because that’s our special calling and privilege as men within the confines of marriage, the little stuff every day that winds up measuring the quality of our love. It’s a “special” calling because agape helps me become what I wouldn’t otherwise become on my own.

Now, any good marriage book describes how agape can also act as a natural aphrodisiac, but that’s not the point. We don’t agape to get sex.

(Though it’s definitely true that even with a medicine-cabinet full of blue pills, it’s agape that creates an environment for ever actually needing them.)

Guessing for most of us, the problem isn’t faulty anatomy—it’s faulty love. I need supernatural help more than medical enhancement.

So … yeah. If your body needs them they are a little like candy, but the best candy of all is learning how to agape-love your wife.

That’ll preach.

It’ll also wipe all the greedy little grins off those faces waiting for me to explain that pill…

Husbands, how does Jesus love His bride?

 

The Good Stuff: Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine. (Song of Solomon 1:2)

Action Points: Ask your spouse specifically: “What’s one way I could love you unconditionally? What’s one typical circumstance when I’m really not acting as that safe place for you?” Listen without defensiveness—and choose to act.

November 28

Digging for Gold … Beneath the Money

By Janel Breitenstein 

If someone asked you where your spouse is most vulnerable, what would you say? (Hint: Hopefully you wouldn’t.)

My husband knows most of mine: many things that send me reeling where others may only see me smile gamely.

He knows that last night just trying on a pair of shorts, my second pair in 10 years, triggered all my old body-image issues and left me curled beside him.

So let me delicately mention another likely vulnerable topic between the two of you: money.

Jesus tells us, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).

We spend—or strategically save—in ways that address some of our most core longings: for security. Control. Power. Comfort. Appearance. Acceptance. Influence. Independence. Connectedness.

Sometimes those desires swell beyond their proper place and become demands; or they become things we depend on when we’re afraid. (Sometimes these are known as idols.)

So, yes, these desires might be a place of pain and anger for you. But they’re also a place of profound vulnerability for your spouse—just like your hopes behind money are for you.

The next time you two scuffle about money, set the money aside for a minute. Ask your spouse about the concern beneath the money. Chances are, underneath even illegitimate desires lie concerns that are quite real.

How can you receive your spouse there, and see the value in what’s sacred to the person God asks you to care for? How can you be a safe place and demonstrate God’s trustworthiness and nurture?

How can you keep money from being a source of conflict? Read on.

 

The Good Stuff: Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Action Points: Get aware of your own “treasure beneath the treasure” of money. What motivates the ways you handle money? In what ways can those things tend to grow beyond their place and into the place of God?

November 29

Romantic Traditions to Brighten the Holidays

By Lisa Lakey 

What is it about Christmas that’s so hard on a marriage?

Maybe it’s all the focus on the kids or the arguments about how much to spend (or more pointedly, not to spend). Or maybe it’s just the hustle and bustle of schedules and to-do lists that make us more tired than any North Pole resident on December 24.

I don’t know about you, but this season can often take my marital bliss from merry and bright to bah-humbug quicker than you can re-gift Aunt Cheryl’s Christmas fruitcake.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. This year, I’m focusing less on presents and more on presence. Yes, it’s cliche. I know. But however you phrase it, one-on-one time with my hubby is at the top of my Christmas list this year.

Here are a few ideas for romantic traditions to brighten the holidays.

Hot drinks and a fire. Ok, my husband’s more of a hot apple cider kind of guy, but it makes little difference to me (cocoa all the way). After the kids are in bed (or even quiet in their rooms), I plan on a lot of blankets, hot drinks, and an outside fire for two.

Dinner and dollar shopping. A friend told me she and her husband don’t buy Christmas gifts for each other. Instead, they set aside the money for a nice dinner out around the holidays, and head on over to their nearest dollar store. Then they race to find the best gift $5 can buy.

Host a wrapping party … for two. I love wrapping presents, my husband does not. But he agrees to sit on the floor with me and hand me tape. Plan some easy snacks and finger foods, your favorite holiday drinks, and put on some Christmas music. Voila. Party of the year.

Wondering how to ease the stress this Christmas? We’ve got ideas for that, too.

 

The Good Stuff: Let all that you do be done in love. (1 Corinthians 16:14)

Action Points: How can you set some time aside for your marriage this season? What holiday traditions can be tweaked or created to focus on your relationship during this season?

November 30

When Bad Things Happen

By Leslie J. Barner 

We were away on a beach trip for our anniversary, enjoying great romance, good seafood, and breathtaking sunrises and sunsets.

It was amidst the sweet sounds of seagulls cawing and gentle waves washing ashore that my husband got seriously ill.

After a misdiagnosis and two weeks in the hospital, he was diagnosed with polyarteritis nodosa, which causes inflammation in the small and medium arteries.

But that was only the beginning.

Within a few years, the disease affected his heart, causing it to fail.

I watched my husband―the one who played college football―struggle with dizziness, shortness of breath, difficulty doing everyday chores. This man who’d advanced up the corporate ladder and swung my girls up on his shoulders now found putting on his shoes physically taxing.

A year later, he suffered a life-threatening heart attack. After lengthy hospitalizations for advanced heart failure, we were told his heart muscle had become dangerously weak.

We had to make a choice for his treatment and opted for a mechanical heart pump. He went on the heart transplant list six months later.

We’re still waiting for a new heart.

Our new normal involves hospital stays, endless doctor visits, and the maintenance of a lot of equipment that must go where we go.

Is it scary at times? Very. Especially when concerning symptoms like shortness of breath, chest pain, or numbness in his right arm occurs. What if I lose him? I feel the fear constricting my own chest.

Is there uncertainty at times? Absolutely.

But together, we’ve learned to trust God like never before, and cling to the words of Jesus who said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27).

Listen to this episode of the FamilyLife Blended podcast on how to trust God through suffering.

The Good Stuff: Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised. (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)

Action Points: Discuss together some things that you can do now to be prepared for a day when one of you may have to take care of the other because of a serious illness. For instance:

• How can you strengthen your relationship now to keep your marriage strong and protected when bad things happen?
• What are some ways in which you can make a practice of “living in the moment” and make the best of the here and now, while you both are healthy?

The post November – I Do Everyday appeared first on FamilyLife®.

Do you struggle to spend intentional time with your family? We get it. As the holiday season kicks into high gear, we realize time together does not always equal quality time. So before Christmas shopping, holiday programs, and grandma’s sweet potato casserole dominate your calendar, we pulled together our favorite seasonal to-dos in this fall bucket list.  

This list was created with you in mind (well, us too) to help your family create more memories and spend time together over the next few weeks. Simple ideas to help you reach your community and each other as the air turns crisp and leaves display their brightest hues (or, depending on where you live, you just pretend).  

Happy fall!

Family fall bucket list 

1. Create a thankful jar.

Each day, have each member of the family think about something they’re grateful for. At the end of the month, look back and see all the blessings God provided.

2. Make caramel apples. 

Cover your favorite apple with caramel and decorate with your favorite toppings. Or for an easier treat, slice apples (or buy ‘em pre-sliced … we won’t judge), slide each onto a mini-skewer, and dip in caramel. 

3. Visit a pumpkin patch. 

Pick out a pumpkin for each family member or pick one to decorate together. Grab our “Gospel in a Pumpkin” for a fun activity, games, and even some stencils to use!

4. Rake a neighbor’s leaves.

Find a neighbor that would be blessed to have the leaves raked out of their yard, and show your kids that even the smallest of hands can pitch in to make a big difference.

5. Volunteer at a food bank/soup kitchen/homeless shelter. 

Before those hands start writing out Christmas lists, remind them it’s better to give than receive. The lessons they’ll learn will last far longer than the latest gaming system. 

6. Take packaged treats to a neighbor. 

Take treats to a neighbor with a fun note just to brighten their day. Have the kids decorate sugar cookies in the shape of leaves, throw together a fun snack mix, or show off your best pumpkin recipe. Pie, anyone? 

7. Try a new soup recipe as a family. 

On a cold day, a great bowl of soup can feel like a warm hug (maybe gazpacho for you warm weather folks). Find that recipe you have been wanting to try and make it together. Kids can help measure, dice veggies, or take turns stirring. 

8. Take a nature walk. 

This time of year can be so beautiful! Take a few minutes to enjoy nature and God’s creation! Prepare a scavenger hunt for kids to find things like acorns, heart-shaped rocks, or animal tracks along the way. 

9. Make a pine-cone bird feeder. 

Help feed the birds with a simple pine cone, peanut butter, and bird seed. Watching them eat can bring hours of joy!

10. Jump in a pile of leaves.

Release your inner child! Make a big pile of leaves then jump in them as a family. 

11. Decorate placemats for Thanksgiving dinner. 

Have your children make placemats for each person joining you. See if they can personalize them based on what they know of each person. 

12. Make blessing bags for homeless people.

Pack gallon-sized zip-top bags with toiletries, snack-size treats, warm globes, bottled water, or other useful items to hand out when you see a homeless person and help spread a little cheer.

13. Take blankets and hot cocoa outdoors to star gaze.

There is something about a cool, crisp night and looking at stars that is so peaceful. Take a few minutes out of your day to enjoy God’s creation with the family! 

14. Visit a corn maze. 

If your area offers one, gather the kids and see how fast you can make it out of the maze. Warning: A lot of places offer scarier versions at night. 

15. Have a fall-favorites party. 

Invite a few of your favorite people over, and ask each family to bring their favorite fall treat: hot apple cider (with red hots, of course), their slightly famous chili, pumpkin bread, whatever says “fall” to them.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

The post Your Family Fall Bucket List appeared first on FamilyLife®.

October 1

No, No! Bad Roomba!

By Jim Mitchell

A few years back, some neighbors of ours became internet famous when their hilarious family saga, now known as “the Poohpocalypse,” went viral in all its gooey detail.

The short version: One night while the family was sleeping, their dog, Evie, pooped on the living room rug. A typical accident for a young pup and not a big deal … until, of course, their loyal Roomba awoke at 1:30 a.m. for its pre-scheduled vacuuming. Finding the pile of poop on the rug, the dutiful robot spent the next few hours meticulously massaging it into every crease and fiber of the wood floor and carpet.

Imagine the horror! What should have been a confined mess and an easy spot clean the next morning had turned into nightmarish streaks across the entire home. It’s mind-boggling how far a small mess can reach when spread thin enough.

Mind-boggling, but not all that uncommon. I’ve seen it in my own life many times. Not on the floor of my home. Unfortunately, in way harder-to-reach places—the corners of my mind and heart.

It seems to start innocently. Somewhere along the course of my day a thought will form based on an interaction with my wife. Nothing earth shattering or heavy, maybe just a hunch from something she said, or didn’t say, or said imperfectly. Or an impression created by a simple non-verbal signal that struck me the wrong way. Normal and typical marriage stuff … until, of course, the Roomba in my mind awakens and starts spinning impression into suspicion, hunch into assumption, thought into a lasting grudge.

Before I’m fully alert to it, what could have been a confined mess and an easy spot clean has become an unappealing smear on our relationship. No, no! Bad Roomba!

Could your emotional response make a mess of your relationships?

The Good Stuff: We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Action Points: What thoughts about your spouse have been left on the living room rug of your heart and mind lately? Capture them now while the clean up is easy. Then wake up tomorrow to a marriage clean and fresh.

October  2

For When You Need a Miracle

By Laura Way

My parents’ marriage was a battleground. The summer before my 7th grade year, divorce felt inevitable. I headed to camp, worried sick that when I got back their decision to divorce would be final.

That week, I prayed like never before. I returned home to find the battle was over. Divorce was off the table, and our home changed drastically from then on.

It was the first time I saw God answer prayer so vividly and monumentally. 

Make no mistake: Prayer isn’t an “Instacart” we fill with everything we want and hope it’ll be in stock. Prayer is so much more than just giving God our requests. In prayer, we orient ourselves to God. We remember He is God … and we are not.  

Maybe you feel your marriage needs a miracle.Truth be told, God may or may not choose to heal your marriage. But it’s safe to say He wants you to pray for it. 

Here are three ways to pray today.

1. Pray for your heart’s roots to grow down into God’s love.

    

Too often we focus our prayers on others: God, transform their hearts; Help them change. But the best place to start is with our own hearts. Is my heart softened by Jesus’ lavish love? 

2. Pray to love sacrificially, like Jesus.

    

As your roots grow deeper into God’s love, you can follow Christ’s example. Offering yourself—your time, empathy, service—sacrificially to your spouse. Reject the temptation to compare your sacrifices to your spouse’s. 

3. Pray for God to turn your ashes into beauty.

    

Are there places in your marriage with ashes, mourning, brokenness, and captivity? Jesus came to bring beauty, gladness, healing, and freedom! Ask Him to bring restoration now. 

When we’re hurting, it can be hard to form the words to pray. Try, “6 Prayers for Marriage When You Need a Miracle.” 

 

The Good Stuff: Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually! (1 Chronicles 16:11) 

Action Points: What’s the most urgent need in your marriage right now? Stop whatever you are doing and pray for God’s hand over it.

October 3

Bored With Your Spouse? Clean Your Room!

By Ed Uszynski

Everybody has a different breaking point when it comes to their side of the bed.

I had hit mine.

Read this inventory worthy of an escape room:

• Pre-worn-but-still-not-dirty clothes.
• An unopened bag of new t-shirts.Insurance papers and utility bills.
• Miscellaneous cords.
• Library books.
• A freezer-bag full of coins.
• Two State Farm atlases.
• A rock from family camp.
• Random socks.
• A carabiner.
• Swim goggles.
• A stack of mementos I kept from the FamilyLife Love Like You Mean It cruise.
• Three screws and a nail.
• Two golf balls.
• An electric back massager.

I won’t explain why I needed all those things on my floor. I just did.

Amy had her own Hoarders episode waiting to be shot on her side of the room.

So we took half a day and removed it. All of it.

Even moved furniture and sucked what seemed like three pounds of dust mites off our carpets and baseboards.

Got in bed that night and talked about how much better we felt toward each other. Less stress. Lighter. Fresher.

Wait … did cleaning our room clean our marriage?

No, the Bible doesn’t put cleanliness next to godliness. But we’re created in the image of a God who starts His revelation to us by taking pleasure in bringing order out of chaos. Then He passed the charge to us to “subdue the earth” (Genesis 1:28).

More personally, God’s still bringing order to the chaos of my heart and life, an ongoing restoration project with purpose. So maybe something positive happens when we impose order upon clutter.

Removing clutter won’t address our deepest problems. But it creates a fresh environment for relationships that happen in a room. And that matters.

Reading books on relationships provides one way to strengthen a marriage.

But getting them off the floor and out of sight can help, too.

Read “How Marie Kondo Helped My Tupperware Drawer … and My Marriage.”

The Good Stuff: For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. (1 Corinthians 14:33)

Action points: Marriage need a little boost this week? Clean that room! 

October 4

When Pampers Are the Only Thing Between You and a Wet Tent

By Dennis Rainey 

We had been living out of suitcases for seven weeks. Our two little ones dealt with rather explosive intestinal issues, going through Pampers like they owned the factory.

My billfold and my wife’s purse were stolen on the front end of our journey to Colorado to receive training to begin a ministry to families. Not only did we lose all of our credit cards, but our identification as well. After hours of fruitless searching, I was finally able to thank God that He was in control.

Still gluttons for punishment, we pressed on to Colorado where we decided to camp out with our two toddlers (primarily because we didn’t have enough capital on our person to finance a motel room). That night a deluge of rain camped with us. Our tent was transformed from shelter to funnel.

Massive applications of diapers, placed at strategic locations inside the tent to soak up minor floods, kept us dry.

By the time we finally arrived for training, we were wondering if we could really be the ones God wanted to start this ministry to families. It seemed as though our home had quite a few bruises, scrapes, and lacerations. Let me confide in you that we had lost our perspective of thanking God “in all things.”

Then a couple of days later a flash flood—the worst in Colorado history—hit Estes Park, taking the lives of seven of our fellow staff members.

You know something? That disastrous incident flipped a switch in our perspective. Our soaked tent and kids’ dirty diapers were gifts in lives that served a sovereign King as long as He generously gave us breath—and whatever we needed for the next day.

Is gratitude hard right now? Read “How Can I Be Thankful When My World’s a Wreck?”

The Good Stuff: We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

 

Action Points: Thank God for one thing each that makes you feel:

• pressured or overwhelmed
• hemmed-in by life’s daily drudgeries
• out of control
• disappointed

October  5

Strong but Silent? Gentle Ways to Get Your Spouse to Talk (Part I)

By Janel Breitenstein 

My husband is an introvert who loves people. I look at his face when he walks in the door. I can usually tell when his word bucket is so full it’s oozing down the sides.

I can find myself caught in that dance between finally processing my day and all I’ve been accumulating to tell him―and just meeting him where he’s at, which may not yet be ready for a 13-minute monologue.

I don’t just want to connect with him for me.

As a complex, stunning person, he has rich thoughts rumbling beneath the surface. I want, in our conversation, to be naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25).

And preferably not just one of us. I want to both know him and be known.

But that can be tough if he doesn’t engage. How can we draw out the spouses we love into conversation that fills us both?

A few ideas.

1. My spouse talking more may mean me talking less. When in doubt, I sometimes count five whole seconds after he speaks. I’m surprised by what he adds!

For all of us, that also means putting the kibosh on
Interrupting or jumping in even to reassure.
Steering the conversation our own direction, or turning the conversation to our own experiences (except briefly to show you understand).
Finishing their sentences.
One-upmanship.
Overreacting.
Sometimes―not always―I find the amount of exchange in our conversation to be proportionate to my selfishness.

Are we taking from our spouses, using them for our ends? Or are we truly loving them, making conversation a chance to give them our presence, comfort, and ear?

2. Communicate closer to our spouse’s language. Your spouse’s ideal sense of connectedness may not be sitting at a coffee shop for an hour. (I know. It boggles the mind, doesn’t it?)

So my husband has suggested these:
I can tell him my end point first, and then the back story. This feels less open-ended.
If I can condense a bit and pause before launching into another anecdote, it drains less of his conversational energy, and leaves space for him to interact.
In this way, I cross “cultures” a bit into what he values in communication.

But conversation isn’t just about applying a universal rule. Find your spouse’s own style about what’s meaningful.

More tips coming tomorrow.

Sometimes your communication problems in marriage are less about how much you talk and more about what you’re talking about.

The Good Stuff: A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. (Proverbs 18:2)

Action Points: Pick one of the thoughts above to incorporate into the way you receive your spouse. Don’t forget to explore beneath your issues: What heart attitudes keep you from loving well through listening?

October 6

Strong but Silent? Gentle Ways to Get Your Spouse to Talk (Part II)

By Janel Breitenstein 

So one of you is more of a talker, and the other is more of a … not-talker.

How can you deal? 

Personality type or “love language” isn’t an excuse for greed or selfishness in conversation or energy levels—just like it’s not an excuse to hole up, plug in, and tune out. 

Look for that sweet spot where you’re both getting needs met and laying down your wants. That’s marriage, right? 

Today, we’ve got more practical tips.

3. Ask permission to come in. 

• Is this a good time, or are you in the middle of something? 
• So can I ask you a question about that? 
• If you disagree: So … can I push back on that a little?

Sometimes, if my husband might feel ambushed by my idea, I try, So I’m not sure you’re going to like this idea, but … (Bonus: It can have a bit of a reverse-psychology effect on a spouse: Well, you never know! I might like it!)

4. Find your rhythm. A lot of guys, in particular (though this can apply to women, too), emerge from work with an overflowing conversational percolator. They might need time to let the day filter through in order to receive more words. 

It’s counterintuitive, but if you want to converse, first give your spouse down time so they can feel like they have their whole brain back.

He or she might feel overwhelmed by a day when more ground was lost than gained. In this respect, consider asking questions that aren’t so open-ended. “What are some wins you had today?” “Any highs or lows?”

Can you find a conversational rhythm that meets both of your needs? Hint: It may involve asking for what you need and interweaving that with your spouse’s best times for conversation (which may not be at the end of the day).

Perhaps you can plan a catch-up time alone over decaf for 15 minutes after the kids go to bed. Maybe you’ll have the music off when you drive together so you can chat, or plan time alone together on Friday nights. Maybe you’ll pick a regular date night or “date in.”

5. That said, ask questions that invite your mate in. Use your exuberant social skills and warm conversation to gently, patiently mine your spouse’s depths—his or her desires, fears.

• What was that like for you?
• What are you afraid will happen?
• What do you hope will happen?
• What do you wish would happen?

Gently try to come into your spouse’s world.

• That sounds intense.
• That would catch me off guard.
• That sounds like it would be really hard.
• That sounds like a big win.
• When I think about [a related experience from your past], I’m thinking this would be [adjective] for you. Is that what it was like? 

Then insert a questioning look―“Am I right?”

And then? Silence. Let your spouse fill in.

 

Click here for more conversation starters. 

The Good Stuff: If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. 

(Proverbs 18:13)  

Action Points: Pick one of the ideas above to incorporate into the way you draw out your spouse. Don’t forget to explore beneath the “symptom”: What heart attitudes keep you from listening well?

October 7

Exes and Oh’s

By  Lisa Lakey 

A face I hadn’t seen in years was staring at me from my inbox. Just found out we had some mutual friends. How have you been?

Before I could stop myself, my fingers began typing a quick reply. Things are good here. Two kids, married … Oh.

I stopped and wondered if this was safe territory for my marriage. Would I be upset with my husband if he messaged (even innocently) with an ex-girlfriend?

You bet I would.

Would he care if I messaged an old flame I obviously had no interest in anymore?

Maybe.

That was enough. I deleted the message before sending and blocked him from contacting me further.

Seem a bit much? It often does in the beginning.

I’ve known women and men who never meant to get involved when they first messaged someone from their past. But the thing is, if feelings were there once, they can return.
And the safest way to make sure those old feelings stay in the past, particularly on the days when your spouse forgets to thank you for anything or has a string of complaints the moment you walk in the door?

Don’t friend your exes on social media.

I recently read that one third of all legal action in divorce cases is caused by an online affair. Let that sink in for a minute.

These married people weren’t meeting up with someone they met in a bar or at work. Their affairs started with an online conversation.

Someone sent a “Hey, how ya doin’?” message and before anyone was even aware of it, lines were crossed.

What I do online isn’t just my business. For trust to be maintained in my relationship, I need to be open and honest with my husband. If he questions my faithfulness in one area, he will in others too. And rightfully so.

So to protect the trust he has in me, I’ll gladly keep the exes in the past before they turn into an “Oh, no …”

Read more on protecting your marriage from being a casualty of social media

The Good Stuff: Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9) 

Action Points: Write out all the passwords on your social media accounts and hand it to your spouse. Tell them, “I know you trust me, but you are always welcome to see what I am doing if you doubt it. My feelings won’t be hurt.” 

October 8

Your Last Resort?

By Carlos Santiago 

They’re the kind of prayers that you see in the movies. You know the ones. The good guy is surrounded, injured, and out of ammo. As the enemy creeps closer to his position, our hero looks up. “God, if you’re up there … I could really use some help.”

Sound familiar?

We had a few of those moments in our marriage. Our problems were so big, we had no choice but to pray. 

When we pray last-resort prayers, we accept that we are powerless to change the situation, and this is good. Other times, it’s easy for us to steal the credit from God. When we’re at the end of our ropes, however, God’s hand is far more apparent. 

I’ll never forget a conversation I had with my boss. The country was in a recession and he offered me a choice: Travel to India for two to four months to help set up a new help desk or be laid off. 

My wife and 3-year-old daughter depended on my income, but they also depended on my presence. I could not imagine leaving them for so long. He gave me until Monday to give my answer.

That weekend we prayed a last-resort prayer, Lord, move my boss out of the way of our family, or move me to where you want me.

I walked into my boss’s office that Monday prepared to be let go. 

When I told him I would not go to India, He sat expressionless for a long while. Then, inexplicably, he offered to create a new position for me—equal pay, flexible hours, no travel requirements.  

I could almost see God standing behind him, whispering the words into his ear.

God hasn’t always answered my prayers with such dramatic flair. But it does make me wonder: How many of my “big” problems could have been handled while they were still little problems?  

What if prayer wasn’t my last resort—but my first?

While vital to a healthy marriage, praying with your spouse can feel awkward. What do you say? Let us take the guesswork out of it. Sign up for our 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. 

The Good Stuff: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6)

Action Points: Make a list of little things to pray for. Find a time before the day is over to pray with your spouse, for those little things. If there is a big thing on your mind, pray for that too.

October 9

Talk to Me Like You Talk to Meg

By Ed Uszynsk 

Amy and I are in Phase 3 driving home after a get-together with co-workers. 

(Phase 1: Predicting what will happen at the party. Phase 2: What happens at the party. Phase 3: Analyzing what happened at the party.) 

So I ask her for thoughts. She says, “I wish you’d talk to me like you talk to Meg.” 

Meg and I have known each other for years and work closely together. There’s nothing inappropriate between us. This is not at all where I expected Phase 3 to start. 

Me: “What do you mean?” 

Amy: “You ask her questions.”

Me: “I ask you questions all the time!”

Amy: “You do. But you help her unpack her mind. You ask her a question, then you ask her follow up questions. You ask me one question and then go silent.”  

Yep, and I’m silent now. 

Scrambling—“There’s nothing between us.” Feeling a little defensive—“That’s what my job demands!” Frustrated—“Is that really true”?

“I know there’s nothing between you. I know it’s the nature of your job. I just need you to do for me what you’re doing for everybody else.” 

Guilty as charged. 

And it wasn’t just Meg. I work hard at listening well and trying to understand my co-workers of both genders every day, often to the point of exhaustion. 

Then I come home and give Amy the trickle from a nearly empty tank. 

She wasn’t angry. Wasn’t accusing me of anything. Wasn’t trying to make me feel bad. 

She just saw what she needed from her husband being given to everyone but her and wanted that to change. 

Proverbs 20:5 says “A person’s thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out.” 

A nice reputation to have at work, but even better at home.

Would your spouse say you’re an intentional listener?

 

The Good Stuff: The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook. (Proverbs 18:4) 

Action Points: Are you using up your conversational energy elsewhere? How can you commit to reserving some of that energy to your most important human relationship?

 

October 10

Aren’t Roses Better With Thorns?

By Janel Breitenstein 

In the 1996 flick Bed of Roses, a likeable florist (Christian Slater) discusses Sterling roses with a cynical, broken woman. The roses are a dusky shade of purple-gray, and get this—have no thorns. 

The woman comments that she doesn’t think that’s right. Roses should have thorns. Otherwise they’re too perfect. 

Later, after the two spend a day together, the florist sends a bouquet of Sterling roses, thanking her for “a day of too much perfection.”

Personally, I resonate with the suspicion of “too much perfection” in my marriage. Sometimes those sweet moments of being loved feel divorced from who I am, what I deserve. (Guilt and I have always had a tight-knit relationship.)

I personally feel better when I am earning love, when I have something to offer in return. Maybe I could be the ideal wife and be generous in my responses to him. I could be beautiful and good and trustworthy and industrious and perfect.

In Surrender to Love, author David Benner writes, “Everything within us tells us that the universe must be organized according to a principle wherein we get what we deserve.” And we desperately want to be able to contribute something to the deal. 

Benner reminds us that we’re often afraid of love because love means surrender. What if we get hurt? What if this person fails me? What if I’m vulnerable—and rejected? What if I’m overwhelmed by my need for care—or the other person’s love devours me? 

We fear being punished because we’re not enough. It hinders our ability to love—and be loved—because we’re consumed with our perception of ourselves.

It’s something God has been telling me all along: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).

 

When you’re honest, what keeps you from the “too-much perfection” of surrendering to your spouse’s love … but first and foremost, to God’s?

Listen to how one couple’s marriage was saved by surrendering it to God. 

 

The Good Stuff: For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15)

Action Points: Take time to pray, considering what scares you about God’s—and a spouse’s—unconditional love. Why is your guard up? Are you willing to pray for a heart willing to accept “too much perfection”?

 

October  11

Avoiding the Bonk

By Janel Breitenstein 

A friend of mine is readying to run a half-marathon up Pikes Peak.

Aside from the curious question of why she is friends with the likes of me, she has been trying to overcome the “bonk.” I have not heard of this term in the same way in which she refers to it, so I lean in.

The bonk, she explains, is when her body simply can’t go anymore in her 7,000-plus foot ascent, the summit of which will be at a height of over 14,000 feet. (To help one comprehend the lack of oxygen and general sanity: Trees give up growing around 11,500 feet.)

It has taken a precise mix of electrolytes and other nutritional goodness to help her body keep up with its robust endeavors. If she doesn’t rest, hydrate, and nourish?

Bonk.

Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, in The Power of Full Engagement, observe,

Following a period of activity, the body must replenish fundamental biochemical sources of energy. This is called “compensation” and when it occurs, energy expended is recovered.

Increase the intensity of the training or performance demand, and it is necessary to increase the amount of energy renewal …

… Sadly, the need for recovery is often viewed as evidence of weakness rather than an integral aspect of sustained performance … To maintain a powerful pulse in our lives, we must learn how to rhythmically spend energy.

Whether I like to admit it or not, I have limitations, and so does my marriage. A need for nutrition and rest and restorative cycles.

If one of you travels, or alternatively stays home with the kids, you may need a downbeat. Maybe you’ve had a particularly demanding school year, a strenuous season of work, or a taxing season with teens or toddlers. You and your marriage were created for more than what you can do, produce, or achieve—even for the kingdom of God.

Don’t wait until you bonk. Savor the fact that “it is for freedom Christ has set us free” (Galatians 5:1)—that He has already performed on your behalf—and delight in God’s rest and prepaid satisfaction.

Ever wonder what the big deal is about observing the sabbath? Listen to why it’s an important practice for people with limitations (which just happens to be all of us).

The Good Stuff: You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORDyour God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day. (Deuteronomy 5:15)

Action Points: Does your marriage need to take a restorative beat? Practically speaking, how could you surrender to your limitations and God’s rhythms by setting aside time to replenish?

October 12

The Tantrum that Changed Everything

By  Leslie Barner 

As the oldest child, I was used to being bossy and getting my way. No matter the circumstances, I’d usually win.

But when I met Aubrey, I met my match.

There was definitely a power struggle between us when we were first married. A lot of times, he’d give in out of love and a strong desire to make me happy. You know what they say—“Happy wife, happy life!”

I soon became accustomed to his concessions.

But about six months into our marriage, Aubrey made a decision he stood firm on. We discussed it, but he felt strongly and wasn’t backing down.

This did not go over well.

I threw a royal fit! It was ugly. I yelled, screamed, pushed, punched, and used words I’d never said before and haven’t since.

The entire time, Aubrey stood his ground while never losing his composure, or his patience. He never even raised his voice.

When I had finally exhausted myself and stopped lashing out, he simply and sincerely said, “I love you.” He softly kissed me goodnight and left for work.

Touched by Aubrey’s unconditional love for me at a time when I was being so unlovely, I wept.

It was the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Not only did his response make me feel deeply and truly loved, it revolutionized our marriage.

I stopped striving to always get the win, and instead began yielding in our relationship to do what’s best for our marriage and family, so that we win.

Aubrey’s response that day was a great picture to me of unconditional love—choosing to love your spouse at their best and their worst.

Click here to read more about how one wife believes her meltdown saved her marriage.

 

The Good Stuff: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8) https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/1-peter/4-8.html

Action Points: Recall a time when you were being unlovely and your spouse showed you unconditional love.

October 13

It’s a Good Idea to Air Your Dirty Laundry

By Janel Breitenstein 

I have four children.

Which is to say, I have laundry.

Occasionally, it threatens to swallow me whole in a malodorous melange of gym socks. Hoodies. Underwear thrown a precise 14” from the hamper.

I have heard of people having “laundry day” at their house. This is not a possibility unless I prefer death by (laundry) drowning. Levi’s and t-shirts snap at my heels, threatening to overtake.

I can get the clothes into the washer and dryer. I would love laundry, if that’s all it took. But then I must fold (well, supervise folding), making sure rogue articles of clothing don’t get buried forever in my teenage sons’ dresser drawers, which have parallels to the Amazon rainforest. No one comes out alive.

(We can create cars that drive themselves, but we have yet to invent a dryer that folds. Just sayin’.)

Then I alone must soldier onward, ensuring children insert laundry in said drawers. This must happen before piles or baskets are kicked over and we are returned to the misery of folding.

I could throw in the towel. But that would be more to wash.

Hidden in all those unmatched socks and clean clothes my kids slip back into the hamper to avoid putting away is a marriage metaphor.

As humans, it’s natural for our bodies to produce odors and all the stuff that makes clean clothes dirty.

As married humans, it’s expected we will leave behind a trail of pain, anger, and mistakes.

But for the love of Pete: Keep up with the laundry.

Apologize to your spouse; there’s likely something daily that needs to be “washed.” Frequently restore what you make dirty, relationally speaking. Diligently restore order from self-created chaos, even though it’s a never-ending battle.

Anticipate your spouse will get dirty, too—sometimes downright disgusting.

But if you’re used to staying on top of the laundry? And if you’re aware your own clothes get pretty ripe from time to time?

Maybe it’ll be a smaller deal than you think.

Keeping up with the laundry is not the only task required to keep a household running. Who does the housework in your marriage?

The good stuff: So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)

Action Points: In the passage above, Jesus places reconciled relationships as priority before worship. When you come to God in prayer, first allow him to indicate what “laundry” may need to be washed between you and your spouse. Make “I’m sorry” and “Will you forgive me?” part of your home’s daily vocabulary.

October 14 

Yeah, No, Maybe

By Jim Mitchell 

There are three little words I say to my wife that always elicit an energized response: Let’s go out.

This simple phrase means more than we don’t have to cook or clean up. It’s a marital sticky note that tells our spouse, “You’re still the one I want.” 

Because a successful marriage is falling in love over and over. 

But I haven’t always been great in this area. I used to think the purpose of dating was to woo someone. It took a bit of error on my part (and maybe some frustration on my wife’s part), but I’ve learned long talks into the night and bouquets of flowers “just because” go a long way in showing my wife she’s still got it. 

When she’s not wondering about my love for her, we’re both happier, both communicating better. (Doesn’t hurt in the bedroom, either.) 

Dating doesn’t have to be complicated (you could probably call off the serenading mariachis), expensive (for us, mini-golf is right up there with a trip to the symphony), or elaborate (it’s probably more important I just show up with my whole self, undistracted). But it does take planning and prep (childcare swap, anyone?).  

Wanting to take date night a little deeper? Sometimes I like to go with one or two questions in my back pocket, to get us talking about what matters to us.

• What’s one thing I do that makes you feel really respected, loved, or connected?
• What’s one of your best memories of us together?
• What kind of activity makes you feel closest to God?
• What do you pray about (or for) most often?
• What job(s) could you do that wouldn’t feel like work?
• What do you like—or for what are you most grateful—about the way God has made you?
• What’s one way I could be more of the person I want to be?

   

We have a few ground rules: Don’t have conversations about finances, household responsibilities, or kid stuff.

It’s amazing what three little words have meant to our marriage. 

Read on for “10 Surprising Ways to Increase Romance.”

“Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost any question,” I once heard a comedian say. To which I gave a hearty “Amen!”

I’m that assertive spouse who wants quick, firm answers from my wife. But I learned early in my marriage that’s just not how it works.

“Yes” is actually quite hard for her to say.

Not to any particular question. The actual word itself. “Yes.” She can’t say it.

The closest she gets is a ho-hum “yeah,” spoken so timidly that I require immediate clarification. “Yes?” I’ll ask with a sharp “s” to emphasize how easy the word is to say.

Which she quickly changes to “No.” Baffled, I seek further confirmation. “So it’s no?”

Sensing my frustration, she then defaults to, “Maybe … I don’t know … Why are you mad at me?” Which, of course, only makes me madder.

Determined to label her indecision a defect, I’ll quote Matthew 5:37: “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” Case closed, right?
https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/matthew/5-37.html

Not so much. I can tell you from experience, that’s not a win.

And frankly, this “yeah, no, maybe” sequence has played out so consistently for so long, I’ve been compelled to ask myself some hard questions about whether the real problem lies not with her, but with me.

Is she really timid, or just afraid I’m rushing the decision and avoiding due diligence?

Does “Yeah, no, maybe” actually mean “I need more conversation with you”?

And instead of Matthew 5:37, shouldn’t my mind be racing to 1 Peter 3:7? “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.”
https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/1-peter/3-7.html

Ouch! Those questions make even me say, “Yeah, no, maybe.”

So join me, more decisive spouses. Let’s slow our roll a little. Let’s exhibit understanding, not frustration. And let’s relax the “yes/no” chokehold and allow the conversation to breathe a minute.

p.s. I asked my wife if I got this devotional right. She said “yeah.”

Wives, click here to understand your husband’s short attention span and learn the trick to longer, more meaningful conversations.

 

 

The Good Stuff: The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)

Action Points: Ask your spouse what they value more—the outcome or the exchange? Then talk about that together and how to find common ground.

 

October 15

We Don’t Talk About That Here (Part I)

By Carlos Santiago 

We men have the ability to talk for hours without revealing a single intimate detail about our lives. 

We’ll talk about sports, work, politics, anything really—as long as the conversation stays superficial.

This dynamic was on full display at a men’s retreat I attended one year. We spent hours analyzing the sermons, commenting on delivery, and attempting to outdo each other with our insight. Intellectually, we were having a great time, but I hadn’t yet experienced any of the profound moments you expect to find when going on a retreat. I feared we would spend the entire time debating the nuances of biblical facts and return home with little to show for our time together.

In a moment of clarity (or insanity), I decided to violate this unwritten code and drop a grenade in the room of Christian leaders.

“I told my wife I was struggling with porn.”

I watched in slow motion as the blast wave of my confession made its way across the room. One by one, the men broke eye contact with me. But as I continued, they slowly leaned in to hear more.

I didn’t hold anything back. When I was done, no one said a word. Finally, the most respected member of the group spoke up.

“My struggle began when I was 13,” he said. “My wife still doesn’t know.”

One hundred percent of the men in the room that day had their own story. While the details were different, they all had at least one thing in common: All had been struggling in solitude.

And failing.

James 5:16 teaches, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

In an attempt to deflect attention from their own failures, these men could have condemned me.

They could have lectured me on purity or quoted Bible verses.

They could have simply said nothing, and lead me to falsely believe I was the only one to have that particular struggle.

But they didn’t.

Because of their courage, we were able to support each other. Confession provided a way of escape, and the support of others provided the ability to endure it.

Think pornography isn’t a problem? Read on for four delusions that are easy to believe.

The Good Stuff: Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:16)

Action Points: Are you struggling with porn or another hidden sin? You aren’t alone. Confess your sin before God. Then find a mature believer you can trust to lean on for accountability.

October 16

We Don’t Talk About That Here (Part II)

By Carlos Santiago 

Allow me to continue my story from yesterday.

While I may not have had to face consequences from the men I spoke to, I did have to face the fallout with my wife.

When I told her I was struggling with porn, she felt betrayed.

In my mind, my problem had little to do with my wife. My addiction developed long before I met her.

Not until my sin was out in the open could I see the impact it had on her. She was able to forgive me, but she lost her confidence in herself. She no longer believed I thought she was beautiful. The next couple of years were difficult.

But then one day we were hiking together and passed a tree that had been uprooted in a storm. As we looked at the tree, we couldn’t help but see it as a symbol of our marriage. Our marriage seemed strong, but our roots had been shallow. Like this tree, one strong gust of wind had knocked us over.

My wife noticed new growth coming out of the root ball and reaching upwards. The tree had been knocked over, but it was refusing to die. We also noticed while some roots had been exposed, others remained firmly attached to the ground. Our roots in Christ were strong, and our commitment to work it out was unwavering.

Right then, she turned to me and gave me a curious look, studying my face as if seeing me for the first time. Then, with an almost surprised tone, she said, “I love you.”

I had heard her say those words a thousand times before. But this time it was different.
This time, she knew my struggles, my shame, and my failures. She knew every twisted and broken part of me, yet was deciding to love me anyway.

In that moment, I experienced a love I had only experienced once before. It was a powerful, godly love like the love Jesus had offered me. Jesus knew my sin intimately, yet loved me enough to sacrifice Himself for me and offer forgiveness.

Rediscover the roots of forgiveness and steadfastness that make your marriage strong.

Need more help restoring trust after pornography? Listen to this episode of Married with Benefits.

The Good Stuff: No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Action Points: Your spouse is not immune to the fallout of your own hidden sins. Healing begins with confession. Pray for God to open your eyes to anything you are hiding from your spouse and for the courage to bring it into the light.

If your spouse has confessed something to you, ask God for help in finding forgiveness.  

October 17

When Your Spouse Feels More Like Your Roommate

By Janel Breitenstein 

Maybe you’re not sure how or when it happened: The person you’d been so very in to while dating morphed into … not much more than a roommate. 

Or worse.

How can you deal?

1. Get intentional about same gender community.

    

Isolation leaves us vulnerable. Even in a healthy marriage, your spouse shouldn’t be your sole source of authentic friendship. 

Go one step beyond your comfort level in openness with friends, “for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25). 

2. With your spouse, eliminate mind-reading and unspoken, unagreed-upon expectations.

    

It’s so easy to think, If he or she really cared, they’d ___.  But our “normal” and what comes easy for us may not be normal or easy for a spouse—even if they’ve done it before. Take 100% responsibility for your contributions to communication issues.

3. If you’ve been burned by your spouse not asking, not listening, misunderstanding, or delivering that blank/token/judgmental/unemotional response, don’t give up altogether.

    

On earth, Jesus surrounded Himself with faulty, often faithless human beings—and continued to love them well. (Are there times, particularly in abusive or dysfunctional relationships, when self-protection is necessary in marriage? Absolutely.) 

4. Be wise, yet courageous in vulnerability.

    

If you’re in a safe marriage, courage and even forgiveness may be in order as you press yourself to trust another human. (It’s impossible to selectively hold part of yourself back—like your pain—without restraining other parts of yourself, like happiness.) 

But God has also given you wisdom to know when a person is not trustworthy. Ask Him for discernment.

5. Turn to the Heart-Changer.

    

Pray that God would transform your spouse—and expose the log in your own eye. 

The creatures worshipping at God’s throne in Revelation have eyes everywhere, including beneath their wings. God sees us as we shelter beneath His care. 

Ask for great perseverance, for patience as His plan unfolds … even if it takes a lifetime.

If you’ve drifted apart, there is hope for finding your way back to each other again. Read “9 Steps to Defeat Isolation in Your Marriage.”

The Good Stuff: Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. … But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73:25, 28)

Action Points: Ask God for wisdom and courage to know how to honestly assess your marriage, and best love your spouse. You might consult a trusted friend or counselor for next steps.

October 18

Don’t Love Me Like That

By Lisa Lakey 

When we were younger, I loved my husband the way I wanted to be loved.

I surprised him with sweet treats. I picked up his share of the household chores. I rented movies every Friday so we could cuddle up after a long work week.

But here’s the problem … he wasn’t big on sweets. He felt guilty when I attempted to mow the lawn (I think I broke the mower once). And movies on the couch make him fall asleep.

Looking back, my attempts to show him how much I loved him were a wee bit ridiculous. 

Josh and I are as different as night and day. I wanted romantic dinners and long talks. He needed quiet time to decompress when he got home (and a steak cooking on the grill didn’t hurt). So, naturally, I talked his ear off every night and then got my feelings hurt when he didn’t respond accordingly. 

I not-so-quickly learned that loving my husband required respecting how we differ in both the fantastic and somewhat uncomfortable ways. I learned that waking up far too early on Saturday (without grumbling) to fish at a lake two hours away spoke greater love to him than breakfast in bed.

I learned that loving him means being patient when he is a little grumpy after a 16-hour workday. It means being forgiving, humble, and gracious. 

Even when I don’t want to, which is often.

I get one lifetime with this husband of mine. So I want to love him well.

Think you’ve lost that loving feeling? Read why you might reconsider.

The Good Stuff: Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience … And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. (Colossians 3:12,14). 

Action Points: Separately, make a list of five ways you feel loved by your spouse (example, “I feel loved when he fills up my gas tank.”). Come together and talk about what makes you feel loved in each of these situations. Pick one item from your spouse’s list to do this week.

October 19

 What’s Under the Towel on the Floor

By Janel Breitenstein 

This is such a dumb thing to fight about.

Ever been there?

But conflict has … layers. The “skin”—the apparent issue—may be the bath towel on the floor right next to the towel rack. 

But there is often an unmet desire beneath the conflict—the muscle behind the skin. Usually when we’re angry, it’s the thing that feels trampled on. It may even feel sacred.

You might think that towel carries an embroidered message: I don’t respect the way you care for us. I’m so oblivious, I’ll make another mess for you to clean up.

But look at the other person’s desires. I’m logging major hours to provide for us. I was trying to make it out the door so I can make it home on time, and I forgot the towel. I’m nagged at work all week, and you have no capacity for a forgotten towel?

Even further beneath—let’s say it’s at the “bone” level—are the big-picture desires.

I want to feel like what I work hard at matters to you, and that you’ll help me. I want to feel seen. Valued.

Or on the other side: I want to have the wiggle room to fail without it being a federal case. For you not to jump to conclusions about my character or love for you just because I forget things. What will you do if I really blow it?

Here’s the great news. When you’re able to get to those “bone-level” desires, you might be surprised by what you share.

Both of you, for example, want to feel respected and seen.

You might even find surprising solutions. Oh, you mean you didn’t leave that on the floor because you were a jerk, but because you’ve got a lot on your mind from work? How can I be there for you?

Rather than jumping to conclusions based on the “skin” of an argument, seek to understand what motivates your spouse. 

Because it’s probably not the towel on the floor.

Every wonder why you keep arguing? Read more on that here. 

The Good Stuff: What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? (James 4:1)

Action Points: In your next conflict over the small stuff, ask yourself what lies beneath your spouse’s anger. If you don’t know, think of a neutral way to ask and understand. Listen well! Look to the levels of interest beneath the presenting issue, and speak to its depths rather than fixing the surface.

October 20

The Marriage Detox

By Janel Breitenstein 

I tried a cleanse once. It involved a lot of weird capsules the size of a stalk of asparagus, and not a whole lot else.

Through my extensive Google research, turns out there are a wide variety of cleanses, in fact. They involve everything from garcinia cabogia, bone broth, infrared saunas, custom juices, and all sorts of goodies to purge … well, whatever. With a chunk o’change, you could clean out everything from your liver to your acne.

What if you could detox what matters and lasts?

More to the point—what could a marriage detox look like?

Nix the junk food.

Maybe it’s time for a fast from social media (and its byproduct, discontentment) or from criticism and divisive thoughts (1 Peter 3:8). 

It could be time to finally seek help for that porn problem.

Perhaps you need to burn the romance novels, or distance yourself from a friend who doesn’t encourage you in your marriage.

You may need to relentlessly purge your home of possessions that fool you with false satisfaction, drawing you away from God and each other.

Snack on whole foods.

What would it look like to feed your marriage nutritiously and without contaminants, getting back to the basics?

Could it involve reading the Word briefly together or praying together?

Would it be beneficial to tighten up on what media you consume together?

Is it time to surround yourselves with a supportive community, rather than living on a marital island?

Get some air.

The overwhelmed, overcommitted, exhausted version of the two of you—and your marriage—isn’t one where any marriage thrives or heals. It’s hard to clear the byproducts, so to speak, of irritability, resentment, and feeling used or unseen. What’s one thing you could stand to clear from your schedule?

Get off the couch.

It could be time for your family to burn some of its energy for purposes beyond itself. After all, as Proverbs teaches us, when we refresh others, we will be refreshed ourselves (Proverbs 11:25).

Does your marriage need a social media detox? Read more on both the good and harmful sides.

The Good Stuff: Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)

Action Points: Get serious about detoxing your marriage. Pick one to three “cleansing” elements your marriage could really use.

October  21

You Drive, I’ll Nag-ivate

By Jim Mitchell 

Yep. She actually said it to me on a road trip.

“You drive, I’ll nag-ivate.”

She meant “navigate,” of course, but the Freudian slip stuck its landing. We’ve laughed about it ever since.

And honestly, she sometimes does “nag-ivate” rather than navigate. She means no harm. She just wants to help and hates wasting time. But that’s not how it comes across.

Nothing feels worse as the driver than taking a wrong turn and having your spouse immediately comment on it. No matter what words she uses, all you hear is, “Hey stupid, you took a wrong turn. I noticed.” Maybe it comes with a subtitle for easy translation: You are incompetent.

Again, that’s not what’s in her heart. But it is what lands in yours.

Conversely, nothing feels better after taking a wrong turn than hearing … nothing. You actually have breathing room to find your way back on track.

Oh, you’re certain she noticed the wrong turn. And she may very well be biting her tongue hard over there.

But the patient silence speaks volumes: “I’m just thankful you’re keeping us safe. You’re doing a great job. I trust you.”

So empowering.

Wrong turns are inevitable. But giving your spouse a little room for error can make the trip more enjoyable for both of you. That’s helpful navigation.

Click to hear why nagging never works for a wife, and what she can do instead.

The Good Stuff: Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.(Proverbs 19:11)

Action Points: The next time you notice your spouse doing something stupid, don’t. Don’t notice. Overlook it and give space for course correction you don’t control.

October 22

The Worst Moment in Your Marriage

By Janel Breitenstein 

I hesitate to even bring it up—because even saying “the worst moment in your marriage” can conjure some aching, terrible moments.

They’re moments you never envisioned when you two were doe-eyed at the altar, when your vows had little more than imagination attached.

Maybe it was the day a parent died or a terrible miscarriage. Maybe it was a lost dream or the vision you had for a child. Maybe it was the day you found him with porn or the texts on her phone.

As a wife who’s walked through dark days, I ask an honest question: What if the next worst moment in your marriage … could be one of your best?

I’m not saying flowers and unicorns will spontaneously erupt from the next agonizing day before you.

But in some of those moments where life felt ripped open, I found myself pleading—at times in unintelligible gasps—for God’s wisdom. I’ve asked for the impossible. I’ve begged Him to somehow, somehow create beauty out of what could only be ashes. Sometimes, I’ve only been able to whisper some form of “Help.”

And following those moments, I see a distinct pattern of baffling follow-through on God’s part.

Most frequently, God has helped me to move beyond knee-jerk reactions that stem from the soil of profound fear. Rather than my instincts to control or punish or despair, He’s substituted supernatural gentleness. A relational pursuit to bless the other person rather than curse them. A trust that somehow, God can create new life from every loss, every death.

God has given both me and my husband the power to repeat a version of what Jesus did. He’s granted the power to trust Him with what’s most precious to us. He’s helped us to forgive and move toward each other in kindness and sacrifice, rather than revenge.

Essentially? Those worst moments are opportunities for the message of Jesus to speak the loudest. They turn our stories into love stories—not of the Disney variety, but the kind that go the distance.

What could God do with your next worst moment?

Do you have unrealistic expectations for your marriage? Read on.

The Good Stuff: By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. (1 John 3:16) 

Action Points: No one wants to think about the next worst moment in their marriage. But pray that whenever your painful days come, God will empower you to trust Him and replay all over again His forgiveness and perfect plan.

October 23

This Is Dumb

By Carlos Santiago 

As we were preparing for our wedding, my wife absorbed every piece of bridal information she could get her hands on: TV programs, magazines, even bridal expos.

I didn’t know much about planning a wedding, so at first, her diligence was reassuring. Over time, however, I realized something was wrong.

Long after the wedding was over, she continued to buy the magazines and watch the wedding shows. I didn’t know what to make of it. She kept showing me pictures of wedding cakes and all I could think was, This is dumb. We’re married already.

I realized that I had a choice to make. I could continue to belittle her interests in the hopes that she would give it up, or I could find a way to enter her world.

I decided to take a closer look at those cakes.

The more I learned, the more intrigued I became. I was hooked the day I saw a miniature village crafted out of chocolate and sugar at a bridal show. The engineering was incredible. Suddenly, these cakes didn’t seem so dumb.

Did I suddenly fall in love with ribbons and fancy parties? No. But I did find a way to respect something she cared about.

When her father turned 50, I helped her make a cake so tall she needed to stand on a chair to decorate the top. It weighed a ton and fed more than 200 people. The cake was a hit. People couldn’t stop talking about how beautiful it was.

Yet while all eyes were on the cake, mine were fixed on my wife. She was glowing in a way I had never seen before.

A few years later, she opened her own wedding cake business. Not only was I able to watch her excel in a career that gave her joy, but we were able to do it together. I even helped her make a smoking volcano out of sugar for a dinosaur cake.

Eighteen years of working side by side—which almost never happened—all because I decided to be a part of her world.

Do hobbies cause disagreements in your marriage? Read more on the importance of sharing common interests with your spouse.

The Good Stuff:  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)

Action Points:  Does your spouse have an interest or hobby you’ve belittled?  What would it look like for you to take a step toward growing respect for your spouse’s interest? Is there a way for you to participate without giving up what makes you uniquely you?

October  24

What Overcommitment Might Actually Be Costing You

By Janel Breitenstein 

About five years ago now, my husband and I were deep into the process of adopting our fifth child. (Yeah. We’re one of those.)

But to keep a long, painful story short: As we walked through those steps—prayerfully, carefully—my husband realized we were consistently limited on time, resources, and energy.

A fifth child would be heroic and meaningful and an expression of Jesus. But living life to the limits of our margin could have untold effects on our home.

I think it took me longer to realize this: I am constantly, classically living life at the edge of my margins. I struggle to differentiate between an opportunity and what God actually needs me to do (no more, no less). I pray Ephesians 2:10: What are the “good works, which God prepared beforehand, that [I] should walk in them”?
https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/ephesians/2-10.html

It’s easy to look at the fun or unnecessary aspects of my life and think, “I could just do less of that if I took on this one wonderful thing.”

And maybe you’re the kind of person who could! But in my own life, that’s not where the toll is subtracted from.

It’s deducted from my sunny mood with my husband and kids. From my graciousness, my diligence and vigilance in their lives. It robs my energy to love on friends. It means I win less of my kid’s hearts because I’m cranky and demanding.

Basically, it means I love less well and with less joy. It means my overcommitment robs, among other things, my marriage.

My husband, quite gently and with much wisdom and compassion, put it this way: “Sometimes your overcommitment affects how the gospel is played out in our home.”

What he meant: It’s harder for us to see God’s unconditional, happy, sacrificial love when you’re constantly stressed and irritated, doing for God more than being with Him. Kindness and generosity and relationships take time and a wholeness of heart—not a harried, you-get-the-leftovers love.

So the act of faith we chose in the adoption process was instead that God had this plan for some other family.

But our small “noes” matter in marriage, too. This week, this month? Choose to do less.

With your margin, you might even love more like God.

Trying to find the balance between work and home? Check out these tips.

The Good Stuff: For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment… (Romans 12:3)

Action Points: What are the “whys” beneath your overcommitment? 

• Do you base your peace of mind on productivity? 
• Do you feel like you have achieved, helped, or performed if you reach certain expectations? Is your sense of worth tied to what you accomplish?
• Do you hate to disappoint? 
• Do you tend to elevate how necessary you are, forgetting God’s ability to do things without you?

October 25

Luke, I Am [Not] Your Father

By Janel Breitenstein 

Bags were collecting by the front door. My husband was preparing to leave on a 10-day trip and he wanted a memorable day before he took off.

So I crafted a big, sit-down dinner. Dishes overflowed from the sink, but I sank into my chair next to our kids.

I don’t think it was until later that my husband gently pointed out what should have been obvious. “Honey, I don’t know how to tell you this … but I’m not your dad.”

He carefully explained that while my father would have loved a big send-off meal, he would rather get pizza, pull me off dish duty, and spend time with all of us doing something other than eating.

Sometimes it’s still so easy to lapse into my default setting of the ways my parents did marriage—healthy or unhealthy.

Rather than seeking to love my husband in the individual ways meaningful to him, I opt for the “good wife” stereotype. Or assumptions I make about men. Or what I’d like my husband to do for me. Or my parents’ patterns.

But in seeking to honor him, it means more if I see him specifically, rather than my stereotypes.

Or simply ask him.

Jesus did this remarkably. He loved each person according to their own needs, whether it was Zaccheus, blind Bartimaeus, or the woman at the well.

Jesus asked questions specific to their needs. And He may have known the response before asking (see Matthew 6:8), but He still thought it worthwhile to seek their interaction and response, to create a relationship and allow the person to communicate what was within.

Turns out my husband doesn’t actually desire me to wear makeup every day like my mom did (“I like your face,” he shrugs). He and I switch up or share a lot of what our parents deemed as gender-specific jobs. And over a spotless house, he prefers when I’m not worn down to nubbins by the end of the day.

What could we unearth when we seek to love our spouses like someone other than our stereotypes?

Read on about how to respectfully “leave and cleave.”

The Good Stuff: And Jesus said to him, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:51)

Action Points: Open the discussion for your spouse to articulate what is (and isn’t) meaningful from your “default” ways of showing affection.

October 26

The Kind of Friend I Need

By  Ed Uszynski 

Went to lunch with a close friend to vent about an argument Amy and I were mired in.

As hoped, he totally related. Empathized with wisdom. Totally in alignment with why she was wrong and I was right.

Then he asked how I was going to apologize.

“Excuse me? Have I just completely misunderstood the bro-hug moment I thought we were having here? What do you mean, ‘apologize’?”

“Easy,” he said. “She’s 95% wrong. You need to go home and own the 5% where you were clearly wrong.”

Wanted to toss my drink in his face. Total violation of understood man-code: “You can’t take my side and hers at the same time.”

Except I knew he was right.

Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear.

I desperately need friends who will save me from myself by not letting me wallow in self-centered pity or justification, who will challenge me to listen to the Spirit of God and not just the spirit of Ed.

So go ahead and get it out with someone—keeping in mind “A fool gives full vent to his spirit” (Proverbs 29:11).

Just make sure you’re dumping your thoughts on friends who know how to sift through your words like scientists digging through and studying piles of dinosaur poop in Jurassic Park.

Somewhere in that pile is the truth I need to hear, and I need men who will not only place it in front of me, but also encourage me to do the right thing with it.

Who are your friends who will do that for you? Thank them.

Don’t have any? Time to get some—and ask for that kind of push back.

Pray today that God would bring someone to mind who can process your marriage with you in this season of life.

Someone who will empathize, but also help you grow and discern the next right step.

Could something be standing in the way of your friendships?

 

The Good Stuff: Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:6) 

Action Points: What’s one thing for which you need the wisdom and courage to say “no,” in order for your family and marriage to get the right “yeses”?

October 27

On Wearing a Mouth Guard

By Janel Breitenstein 

For a long time, when I snapped at my husband, I called it stress. Or I mentally tagged it “his fault.” Or maybe I would attribute it to the kids, the schedule, the hormones, the unrealistic demands on my life.
But some words of missionary and author Amy Carmichael turned my cycle of blame on its head. She wrote, “A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred.”
Hmm. Well, I think we can scratch “brimful of sweetness” off the list.

Any marriage counselor or conference or book worth its salt will no doubt address how you’re talking to each other. (… Or aren’t.)

Why does it matter so much?

Because in a lot of ways, communication is the quality and quantity of the connection we share.

Words are the tether between us, disclosing what’s truly in us: “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

A frappuccino sloshes out frappuccino. A cup of acid sloshes out acid.

Our words reflect our hearts. Our communication problems are essentially … heart problems.

What kind of tie exists between you, in light of your communication? What brand of humanity is exposing itself between you? Does it display an eagerness to throw something or someone under the bus—or a heart of graciousness, even when jostled?

We care about our speech because we care about the connection between us. And even more, because we care about our spouses. When you care about the quality of your communication, you understand the role it plays in keeping your love alive—and a relationship that gives life to both of you.

Learn more about the power of words in this free, seven-day devotional.

The Good Stuff: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)

Action Points: Ruthlessly apply the Ephesians 4:29 rule to your own speech:

1. No talk that corrupts (breaks down).
2. Only talk that builds up.
3. Talk with appropriate timing.
4. Talk that gives grace to everyone listening.

October 28

It’s a No, and It’s Unanimous

By Jim Mitchell 

“Jim, I just wanted to call and tell you, it’s a no … and by the way, it was unanimous.” 

That’s the call I received letting me know I’d not gotten the job.

I’d been waiting anxiously. This was not just any job—it was my dream job. One I felt qualified and gifted for. One I’d worked hard to attain and really wanted. And honestly, one I badly needed because my wife and I were in a difficult financial spot at the time. Which is what made the call so difficult.

Well, that and the fact that it wasn’t a simple no. It was a no with the added detail, “it was unanimous.” Apparently not a single person there felt I was the right fit. Not one.

We weren’t just disappointed, we were devastated. Like, sobbing-together-in-the-floor devastated. Literally. We prayed and we tried to turn our focus to the future, but it crushed us.

Then something beautiful happened. “It’s a no, and it’s unanimous” became our rallying cry. Words that had wounded also created a defiant us-against-the-world resolve in the face of questions:

• Is it true that not a single person sees our value?
• Has God really abandoned us?
• Will we put joy on hold and stop dreaming of a bright future together?

   

“It’s a NO!” We said it together and we meant it. A unanimous vote of two.

Looking back, I know God was right alongside us the whole time. So I would never seek to diminish His presence.

But I’ll also tell you, this was a profoundly human moment for us, where we looked each other in the eye and learned beyond any doubt that one plus one does not simply equal two. Sometimes in a marriage, when spouses cling to one another as God intends, one plus one equals enough.

As followers of Christ, how do we deal with disappointment? 

The Good Stuff: Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

Action Points: What unanimous “No!” needs to come from you and your spouse today to bind you together in the hope of a bright future?

October 29

Do This, Not That

By Lisa Lakey 

Have you ever read one of those books that tells you what to eat and what not to eat? Order the chicken sandwich, NOT the burger. Helpful, right?

Sure, it is. I like the straightforwardness of it all. But I don’t advise applying this philosophy to your marriage. This sounds odd, but bear with me for a moment.

Early in our marriage, I was one of those crazies who reloaded the dishwasher after my spouse. The way he did it drove me crazy, so I would rearrange the cups, flip the forks around in the basket, and sneak in a few extra dishes. Yet, imagine my anger the night I walked into the kitchen for a drink of water only to find the dinner dishes piled up in the sink.

But he said he was going to clean the kitchen! And he did, sort of. He put away the leftovers, wiped the counters, and rinsed the dishes. “Is the dishwasher broken?” I asked. “No,” he replied. “I just figured you would rearrange them anyway.”

Ouch. Consider me convicted.

We often don’t see how our “gentle correction” of our spouse can convey a different message: Your way is wrong. I can do this better myself. You’re not good enough.

In 1 Corinthians 13:5, we’re reminded, “[Love] does not insist on its own way…” When I go behind my husband to “fix” his work, “correct” his attitude, or consistently suggest doing things the way I would do them, I’m insisting on my own way.

I don’t want to be that wife, a “do this, not that” spouse.
I want my husband to know I am confident in him, his capabilities, and his choices. If that means loading the dishwasher differently or ordering the burger, so be it.

We’re all selfish in nature, but do we really deserve to get our own way in marriage?

The Good Stuff: Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24)

Action Points: What “do this, not that” moments do you have with your spouse? Apologize for any instances that come to mind where you expected your spouse to do things your way.

October 30

How to Make It Past the First Week

By  Ed Uszynski 

“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.”

When I first read these words, I promptly dismissed them as relational heresy. 

Not even true, I thought. How can you say there are grounds for divorce when you’ve only been married for a week? And why is it already so difficult to find grounds for marriage? We just got started! 

Sounds like someone giving up too easily to me. 

Those words, mind you, are from a conservative, early-20th century theologian named Robert Anderson. A man completely against the idea of divorce. 

But then—wasn’t it in the “first week” of marriage that I began to realize Amy had a different definition of a clean room? 

Different ideas on how we’d manage our holidays. 

Different end-of-day routine. 

Different interpretation of movies. 

Different needs for sleep. 

Different approach to making lists—or not. 

Differences that had always been there suddenly recognized as an intruder to my way of living. Fresh off the honeymoon, most of those differences still seemed charming, but before long, they easily became grating annoyances. 

 

They became the raw material of going-in-circles arguments, sleepless nights, and a drift toward isolation. A list of annoyances that could easily become the dreaded “irreconcilable differences.” 

 

Unless I made a decision to see our differences as grounds that God wants to build something new on. As the raw material to shape me into something I wouldn’t become on my own. 

 

The challenge—or “trick”—is to see our differences through a lens of gratitude, maybe even as a gift from God to grow us up. 

 

So please accept my apology, Rev. Anderson. 

 

Looks like you’re right about that first week—and the rest of marriage—after all. 

 

Read more for Barbara Rainey’s response to her daughter’s question about differences in marriage. 

 

The Good Stuff: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8) 

 

Action Points: What’s currently the most isolating difference between you and your spouse? How would your perspective change if you considered these an assignment from God, on purpose? Take a minute to thank God for what makes you different.

 

October 31

What’s Your Piece of Cake?

By Janel Breitenstein 

Many things don’t come naturally to me: Coordination. Math. Directions. Skinniness.

But people, I can do. 

I fall just to this side of extroversion. In fact, I am told I can be charming. (Someone else might call it the “art of the schmooze.” But I digress.)

My husband, however, is an introvert. He loves people. But occasionally he enters the house after a day of work with that look on his face. It reads, My daily word bucket was full 4,679 words ago. I can have dinner, but I prefer to focus on my fork. 

After we got married, I tumbled into social settings as easily and pizzazz-ily as I always had. But I began to notice how painful small talk could be for him, or how he dreaded social glad-handing. What came easily to me could be as fun for him as opening mail from the IRS. 

At some point, he asked if, instead of just sparkling socially, I could provide a way in for him. Maybe in those group conversations, I could ask what he thinks. Could I say people’s names and mention what I recalled about them, bringing him up to speed?  

Initially, I had thought of my gifts contributing to our marriage in terms of, say, whipping up more than Hormel chili for dinner or managing a household like a boss. But I came to realize that even my people skills were a gift to benefit my marriage—one that could be a key to open doors not just for me, but him. 

Sometimes that meant I needed to dial back in order to let him shine, too. In those moments, I got to introduce the world to the mother lode of awesomeness I witnessed every day in the guy. 

Each of us toted gifts to the table of marriage—and could use them either to keep paving the way for ourselves, or advocating for each other. 

If something is a piece of cake for you, how can you make it a piece you can share?

One of the most important things we can do in marriage is to speak life to our spouses. Listen in for tips.

 

The Good Stuff: As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace. (1 Peter 4:10) 

Action Points: What comes easily to you—and not as easily to your spouse? Maybe it’s connecting with one of your children, budgeting, or staying in touch with distant friends. What are three practical ways you could use your gift, not to leave your spouse behind, but share the wealth?

The post October – I Do Everyday appeared first on FamilyLife®.

Want quality, long-lasting relationships with your kids? Bryan Carter, author of Made to Last, and his wife Stephanie share doable ideas for feeding spiritual growth and unshakable family ties.

“How do we raise our daughter? How do we raise our children well? How are they gifted? How are they wired?” So part of us discovering this strong-willed nature was figuring out how valuable it is, how the leadership gifts were there, how this would turn out later in life. So we had to figure out, “How do we cultivate each of these personalities in such a way that they feel loved, they feel valued?”

Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Bryan and Stephanie Carter and find out more about Bryan’s story at http://www.bryancarter.org/landing or on Instagram at @mrbryanlcarter and @mrsstephcarter
Revitalize your marriage: 50% off Weekend to Remember Getaways, Sep 4-18! Strengthen bonds, create lasting memories. Learn more at weekendtoremember.com
Check out the Fearless Moms podcast mentioned in this episode
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper on building resilient marriages, overcoming challenges, and faith-based relationship advice on this FamilyLife Today podcast 
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

The post Made to Last, The Parenting Edition: Bryan & Stephanie Carter appeared first on FamilyLife®.

You’ve found the success you were shooting for. Why does it feel so…disappointing? Bryan Carter, author of Made to Last, is joined by his wife Stephanie as they share their own story of success, emptiness, and seeking true significance.
Now, every year, we set goals for our family. Where do we want our family—our marriage and family—to go for the year? So, we set goals as a couple; as parents; financially; the house, kind of what we’re trying to do around the house; spiritually. So, we’re looking at our lives probably through the lens of about six key categories. And we’re saying, “Okay, what does God want to do in our family this year?”
Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Bryan and Stephanie Carter on Instagram at @mrbryanlcarter and @mrsstephcarter
Get Bryan’s book Made to Last at his website: bryancarter.org
Revitalize your marriage: 50% off Weekend to Remember Getaways, Sep 4-18! Strengthen bonds, create lasting memories. Learn more at weekendtoremember.com
Check out the Fearless Moms podcast mentioned in this episode
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper on building resilient marriages, overcoming challenges, and faith-based relationship advice on this FamilyLife Today podcast
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

The post When Finding Success Feels Empty: Bryan & Stephanie Carter appeared first on FamilyLife®.

My husband had just returned home with our youngest son after a weekend away for the sex talk. Christian, 11 at the time, sheepishly told me, “Mom, I feel like I’m too young to know all these things about sex.” 

I reassured him, “I know how you feel, but Dad and I want to tell you about sex before you learn about it from your friends or what you see in movies.” 

Christian went off to play but returned a few hours later with an observation. “Mom, I’ve been thinking. The way the world is going, when I have my own kids, I’m going to have to have this talk with them when they are like 4 years old.” 

That was about 10 years ago, and my son’s words have proven true. Now more than ever, you need to be talking to your kids about sex.

Talking to your kids about sex

In my generation, our parents said nothing. Ten years ago, we took tweens away for a weekend, hoping that would be adequate. Today, we need an ongoing dialogue with our children starting when they are 3 or 4. 

The culture at large is eager to talk to your children about sex. Even within preschool programming, your children are absorbing messages about what it is to be male or female and the purpose of love and sexuality. 

Sexual topics today are also worldview topics. What you believe about sex will be rooted in what you believe about God and what it means to flourish as human beings. This is why it is so critical for you to intentionally engage with your children in conversations about sex. You want to teach them first, establishing the beautiful framework with which God has created the gift of sexuality and alerting them to the ways it can be distorted. You may erroneously think you are protecting your kids by not talking to them honestly about sex. But you protect them by talking to them openly about it.   

Over the past decade of ministry, I’ve realized what we really need is not sex education, but sexual discipleship. Sexual education teaches what to think about sex. Sexual discipleship teaches how to think about sex—it is the ongoing journey of applying God’s truth to sexual questions and experiences.

That’s easy to say but may seem very difficult to do. If you feel like you are charting new territory within your own family, you probably are. Your parents’ greatest concern may have been that you would not have sex as a teenager. They never dreamed of having conversations with you about polygamy, sexting, gender ideology, or same-sex desire. 

As intimidating as navigating these waters might feel, you can do it! Your kids not only need you to talk to them about sex, they want you to. 

Here is the good news. Your kids don’t know it is awkward to talk about sex unless you make it awkward. Regardless of your experience growing up, you get to set the tone that talking about sex can be normal, encouraging, and empowering. 

Be intentional about life-stage conversations

If you are not intentional about talking with your children about sex, you may never get around to it. You will never feel like they are old enough or you are prepared enough. 

Your child needs to learn that our bodies, including our genitals, were God’s idea. He created them with the capacity to experience great pleasure, but this also means they have the potential to be the source of vulnerability and pain. God created sex and gender to show us the importance of intimacy, of being known. Sexual desire is our body’s way of telling us that we were not made to do life alone. Your mission is to communicate these truths throughout childhood with age-specific language. 

Ages 3-4

Preschoolers are all about discovery—including their bodies. Without shame, they touch every part of themselves, returning to areas that are pleasurable and comforting. This is normal exploration and not what you might consider “sexual” touch. In general, ignoring or gentle redirection is the best approach when this occurs. 

When you teach your child at this stage, begin with the goodness of how God created our bodies, including the specific parts He gave to boys and girls. It may seem wrong to use words like “penis” and “vagina” with a 4-year-old, but most experts agree that using the appropriate terms is better than using childish names like “woo-woo” or “willy.” Establish yourself as a trustworthy “expert” for your child in teaching about marriage and where babies come from by using picture books that provide age-appropriate language for preschoolers. 

Ages 5-8

While developmental psychologists once termed this the latency stage (meaning kids are not likely to be thinking about sex), modern culture unfortunately introduces sexual themes to school-age children. Your children may become curious as they make observations or become exposed to sexual themes through friends or media. 

Be intentional about being the place your child brings all their questions. You can do this by continuing to initiate conversations about love, marriage, sexuality, and gender. You also need to alert your child about the ways that the good gift of sex can be twisted. If you’re concerned about sounding judgy, you can say things like, “Everyone’s life is a little different. Some people have made different choices or had hard things happen or don’t think about God the same way we do.” This is the age to begin talking to your son or daughter (always with age-appropriate language) about pornography and inappropriate touch. 

Ages 9-14 

Kids need to be prepared to understand their changing bodies and how to deal with sexual desires and experiences. This should be a season of specific and many conversations teaching your child about the biological, emotional, and spiritual elements of sexuality while also inviting and initiating questions and dialogue.

Don’t try to fit everything you want to tell your son or daughter into one conversation or even a weekend. If you have a child in the tween or early teen years, consider having a weekly or monthly date. One father discipled his son with “Bible and bagels” every Friday morning. A mom had ongoing conversations with her daughter with a monthly after-school outing.

Ages 15 and up

Unfortunately, most conversations between parents and teens about sex involve negotiating boundaries or consequences. This is one of the reasons why you’re not done yet. Stay engaged in positive conversations with your teen about sex. Your teen is still learning, absorbing messages from the world, and needing to learn from your wisdom and guidance. Kids this age want to discuss their ideas, not just listen to yours. 

Instead of teaching, think of coaching and guiding in your conversations. When you set boundaries and limits, explain why. Help your teen develop the critical thinking skills to someday soon make independent decisions. At this stage, it can also be appropriate to share with your teen what you have learned through your sexual journey—your regrets and what God has been teaching you. 

Look for teachable moments. 

As you navigate daily life, your kids may ask innocent questions about how babies get in mom’s tummy, why we have boundaries with bathing and nakedness, and why mom and dad kiss. A trip to the zoo or a local farm may prompt some natural “birds and bees” conversations. 

As kids get older, the teachable moments are still around: A Christian leader has an affair. A cousin identifies as non-binary. Your news feed is screaming about high-profile sexual abuse allegations. Circumstances like these force us to grapple with questions about sexual wholeness, brokenness, and empathy. These are the kinds of conversations that can foster true discipleship—not just memorizing a list of rules, but the journey of walking with Jesus in every area of life. 

Teachable moments can be most effective when you begin with questions, not just answers. Questions give you the opportunity to gauge what your child or teen actually knows and foster a thoughtful approach. For example, you might respond to a young child’s question about where babies come from with, “How do you think you got in my tummy?” With an older child or teenager, do a lot of listening before you start speaking. You want to encourage your child to share his or her thoughts, communicating that you’re a safe person for questions. 

I have one son who likes to talk and process out loud. Sometimes I will spend an hour or more listening before I ever begin sharing my thoughts. For him, my listening makes the words I speak more personal and powerful. 

Be prepared for challenges. 

Guiding your kids toward sexual wholeness is not a pass-fail test, for you or for them. It’s a messy journey for many kids and their parents. Most likely, your children will be exposed to pornography. Your son or daughter may struggle with gender confusion or same-sex desire. Your child might engage in sexting or experiment sexually with a peer. 

Even imagining these possibilities may feel intimidating. However, you also have to prepare them to walk through the minefield of sexuality in our day and culture. That means the potential for struggle.  

Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my children about sex have been in the face of challenges and failures. The heart of Christianity is not a list of sexual do’s and don’ts but a message of God’s love for us. When we experience hardship and when we sin, God is with us, providing comfort and direction. We need to be able to do this for our children, especially as they experience struggle and sometimes stumble. 

While you can’t prepare for every possible situation you may face on this journey, you can determine how you want to respond. Remember that the relationship matters. Regardless of what your child may have done, seen, or experienced, they need to know that nothing will ever impact your love for them. There must be a time for teaching and boundaries, but lead with love and reassurance. 

We serve a God who has promised never to leave us alone. He forgives our sins and redeems our heartache. While you will never perfectly model God’s love as a parent, you can be a witness to how He has met you in your own struggles and failures. 

While your parents may have dreaded or avoided talking to you about sex, you get to change the narrative with your own children. Think of it this way: Talking to your kids about sex is not just talking to them about sex. Through the many conversations you may have with your children, you get to teach them about love, longing, intimacy, truth, and grace. We live in a changing world fraught with new challenges that also present new opportunities to discover and impress God’s goodness on the hearts of this next generation.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker and broadcast media professional. She’s the president and co-founder of Authentic Intimacy. She hosts a podcast called Java With Juli, where she answers tough questions about relationships, marriage, spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. She has authored eight books, including 25 Questions You’re Afraid to Ask About Love, Sex, and Intimacy. Juli and her husband, Mike, have been married since 1994, have three sons, and live in Colorado Springs.

The post Talking To Your Kids About Sex: Why, When, and How appeared first on FamilyLife®.