November: I Do Every Day
November 1
When Your Marriage Is Just Left of Center
I strapped a spattered blue apron around my front, and sat at a wheel in the room smelling of dust and earth. It was often vacant save the quiet supervision of Karen and her muscular arms. My vision for pottery has always been a bit beyond my capability (classically me). This was confirmed by the faint raising of Karen’s eyebrows.
The part that has always surprised me about pottery? The fierceness with which you must center the clay.
It commences with a violent throw to the middle of the wheel. I probably don’t need to describe that without centering a lump of clay, the entire vase-to-be collapses.
The accuracy of my initial throw isn’t enough. My muscles have to press and lean the vase into submission, for its own good. Even once we are happily spinning, I could throw the clay off-center.
It’s an analogy for my marriage, to be sure. My imagination looms large for its beauty and usability, my heart finds joy in the process.
But without centering—everything else will be misaligned. If my ambition swells higher than proper centering allows? Everything falls. And it’s back to something resembling a gray pile of poop.
It only makes sense. We were created for one worshipful Center: “For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever” (Romans 11:36).
Lean too much toward your spouse or your job or your kids, build too high without support from the Center?
Everything’s out of orbit.
Thankfully, even if you’ve failed to center, you’re not done. As long as you work out the air bubbles, it’s back to the wheel, the fervor, the happy sweat.
Marriage requires a lot of muscle, a lot of mess. Things are splattering and caving in, sometimes along with my confidence.
But properly centered? Imagine the stunning potential.
Is your marriage centered correctly? Read “Building a Spiritual Foundation for Your Marriage.”
The Good Stuff: They exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. (Romans 1:25)
Action Points:
- Would it be accurate to say God is at the center of your marriage? Or is it more like He’s a great “add-on”?
- If you don’t have a believing spouse, how can you still make God the center of your portion of your marriage?
- What’s one area of your marriage and/or life together that might be leaning off-Center? Talk about it with your spouse.
November 2
Sweet or Unsweet?
By Lisa Lakey
In case you were wondering, my husband likes his tea sweet. Like one glass could give you a cavity kind of sweet. Me? I don’t even like tea. I drink coffee all day.
But I quickly learned to make sweet tea when my husband and I got married. Why? Because he loves it. And I love him.
Knowing and remembering things the two of us like or prefer is one habit we’ve developed to whisper “I love you.” Like when my husband drops a Diet Coke and a bag of peanut M&Ms on my desk when he knows I have to stay up late to work. Or I plop down on the couch after finally getting the kids to bed and he turns off his favorite show to turn on mine instead.
Knowing each other’s preferences makes us feel loved and, well, known. That’s a fantastic feeling.
When I feel known, I am more likely to open up to my husband because I feel like he gets me—he sees me. He thinks of me affectionately in the middle of the mundane. It creates a safe space for me to be myself, quirks and all. And trust me, I have a lot of quirks.
And the same goes for our spouses. It’s not enough that they know us. We have to actively pursue knowing them. What makes your spouse feel loved? Safe? Scared? Insecure? What idiosyncrasies can you adore a little?
It’s a tangible expression to me of the God who has my name written on the palms of His hands (right where an M&M might melt). The same God who beckons me to approach Him with all kinds of thoughts and requests. The God who created and loves my “isms.”
That’s a bit deeper than sweet tea.
Do you embrace your spouse’s differences, or resent them? Learn why celebrating your differences is key to a great friendship in your marriage.
The Good Stuff: I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me. (John 10:14)
Action Points: Take time out of your day today to ask your spouse one or two questions to get to know them better. Here are some suggestions:
- What is a dream you’ve never had the confidence to pursue?
- What is one compliment you’ve received that you’ve always remembered?
- What is one fear that you can’t seem to conquer?
- If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?
November 3
Shut the Blasted Door
By Ed Uszynski
We’ve lived in our current house just short of 12 years.
At three times a day, that means I’ve requested someone shut the door leading to our laundry room around 12,672 times.
Amy and our four kids could care less about that door getting shut.
I’ve begged, raged, pouted, acted passive aggressive, slammed, punished—nothing works.
I sometimes fantasize about rigging it so anyone who walks through without closing the door gets an electric shock. Or sets off an eardrum-shattering alarm.
I like the shock idea better.
I mean, it’s come to that.
I’ve got my reasons for wanting it shut and I think they’re all good ones. But—and I think I seriously mean this—does it really matter?
Undoubtedly, someone in your home constantly does something that bothers you. That makes your blood boil. That thwarts your desire for control. That creates palpable stress.
But what if situations like these relatively slight but real moments actually exist to grow your patience? If biblical patience is the capacity to “endure discomfort without complaint,”* what better way to acquire it than with situations that repeatedly make us angry or upset?
What if by God’s Spirit, enduring small, petty annoyances actually trains us to handle bigger, more significant types of suffering along the way? Colossians 1:11 speaks of us being “strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience…”
Looking at that open door, I need power for endurance and patience just as much as I need it waiting for my spouse to grow, for a job to appear, or for the cancer to leave.
They all involve the same raw feelings and the same Spirit-fueled solution.
Patient joy instead of electric-shock therapy.
Ok.
But if you do come over, please…
Shut. The. Door.
The small stuff aside, how do you build a marriage that lasts? Check out this episode of FamilyLife Today®.
The Good Stuff: Love is patient and kind. (1 Corinthians 13:4)
Action Points: When it comes to your spouse, what’s that pet peeve that drives you bananas? How might God’s Spirit be speaking to you—and hoping to change you—in your annoyance?
November 4
I’ve Had Three Wives so Far
My first wife had a mouth like a sailor. She was harsh and always on guard, ready to attack if anyone crossed her.
My second wife was polite but insecure in her own skin. She hated conflict and the spotlight, preferring instead to avoid both.
My current wife is strong, yet gentle. She doesn’t seek the spotlight, but won’t let it prevent her from doing what needs to be done either.
Each of these women holds a special place in my heart, but don’t ask me which one I love the most because I can’t decide. You see, they’re all the same person.
My wife and I have been together since 1992. Each day we’ve changed, ever so slightly, from who we were into who we are.
Concerns about tests, summer jobs, and senior prom morphed into ones about rent, kids, and career. I hope someday they’ll morph again into concerns about an empty nest, grandkids, and retirement.
She is not the same girl that I fell in love with, and that’s okay.
I’m not the same person either. This is a good thing. We need to grow.
As long as we take the time to pay attention to the little, day-by-day changes we experience in our lives, we’re okay. But sometimes circumstances get in the way. Little changes pile up, and when we finally take a moment to look, we’re surprised at what we see. Then we have to work twice as hard to get reacquainted.
I know my wife will be substantially different 10 years from now. If I don’t want to wake up one day and be disappointed by who I see lying next to me in bed, I need to start getting to know my future wife today.
Even the best marriages can feel the pull of isolation. Listen to how one couple came back stronger than before after experiencing “the drift.”
The Good Stuff: When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:11-12)
Action Points: Do you know who your spouse is today? How are their current struggles reshaping them? Set up a time to discuss these questions with your spouse over coffee or tea.
November 5
Forgotten Treasures in Marriage
By Jim Mitchell
As an aspiring craftsman, exotic woods always catch my eye.
The contrasting dark-light variations in black walnut. The unpredictable knots and grain patterns of live-edge pecan. Sucks me right in every time.
So when I stumbled across something called “old growth sinker cypress,” I was intrigued.
All I know about cypress is that it is moisture and pest repellant, and therefore perfect for outdoor applications. But what makes it “old growth,” and what does “sinker” mean?
What I discovered made me fall in love with the wood … and my wife.
You see, old growth sinker cypress derives its name from centuries old cypress logs, some more than six feet in diameter, harvested during the Revolutionary War for King George III, lying on the river bottoms of wetland areas like Louisiana and Florida.
As loggers originally attempted to float these immense trees down river, some of the denser, heavier logs sank to the bottom. Sunken treasures, lost to the world.
Until recently, when modern sonar technology began to enable their rescue. And the result has been breathtaking!
The cold-water submersion process has not only preserved these logs perfectly, it’s actually contributed to their beauty and character and overall value.
A maze of pecky-wood holes weaving through the tightly-clustered growth-rings. Artful strokes of red and olive brushed into the wood’s natural golden hue by the rich minerals and tannins of the river’s soil. All of which makes old growth sinker cypress wood desirable and highly sought after.
And all of which brings me to my marriage, and maybe yours too.
Beauty. Character. Value. Submerged, perhaps. Sunk beneath a steady flow of the ordinary. Buried in the soil of the mundane. Lost to the world.
But a closer look reveals treasure not just preserved, but enhanced by every growth-ring experience of life.
Hidden treasure, awaiting discovery. And the result is breathtaking!
Do you want to weatherproof your marriage? Listen to David and Meg Robbins talk about the tools you need.
The Good Stuff: For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)
Action Points: No matter how long (or brief) your marriage, there are plenty more discoveries to make. Some may float to the surface on their own. But the real finds lie beneath the surface. Will you look for them?
November 6
The Gift of What You Thought You Couldn’t Do
By Janel Breitenstein A friend of mine recently enlisted my father-in-law’s help to lay laminate flooring. “You know what the best part was?” she marveled. “He held himself back so I could learn and do it myself. I’m doing the next one on my own.” I thought of this recently in one of those weeks where my husband and I were moving so fast, the wind moving past doubled as exfoliation. My husband prepped for his talks at a leadership training, then headed out for a conference. Overloaded, he tasked me with managing a timely real estate contract. I was eager to help, but daunted. My gifts lie squarely with creativity. I do words and music and people; not numbers, tedium, or contracts. And if I didn’t manage this correctly, we could be “gifted” a lawsuit. Yikes. I nodded, rearranged my expression into I’ve-got-this mode, and remembered the excellent wife of Proverbs 31: “She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard” (verse 16). Or in the fond words of American lore: Put on your big girl panties and deal with it. I dialed our lawyer, issued about 23 emails, spent a couple of hours on the phone, and occasionally texted my overloaded husband a question. He’d answer the biggies. But for most of my queries, his response was the same: I’m trusting you to manage this. And perhaps that was the most empowering part. My husband stepped back and believed I could. In the process, he instilled me with confidence. No matter our gender, it can be hard to trust a partner with the big rocks. The possibilities for ineptitude, inefficiency, or danger loom large. But what if micromanaging stifles our spouse’s growth? What if it prevents him or her from maturing into a strong, skillful partner? Obviously, God has given us wisdom to discern when someone’s not ready for a particular responsibility (like when a spouse struggles with addiction, for example). And sometimes, our spouses should be developed in a skill set rather than lobbed into the deep end. But sometimes, we give our spouse a gift in being okay with a margin of failure or flexibility. In stepping back and saying, “You can.” When we feel known and accepted in our marriage, it gives us the freedom to thrive or even fail.
The Good Stuff: And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also. (2 Timothy 2:2)
Action Points: What effects do you witness in your marriage and your spouse when you trust him or her as a capable partner? If you’re in a healthy, safe marriage—pick a single area where you could take the next step in trusting and empowering your spouse. November 7
Does She or Doesn’t She?
By Tom Davis
In 1956, the Clairol Corporation launched a new product that revolutionized the beauty industry. Miss Clairol was the first hair-color bath that made it possible to lighten, tint, condition, and shampoo at home in a single step and get results in 20 minutes.
Shirley Polykoff, an advertising copywriter, came up with the line, “Does she … or doesn’t she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.” Armed with the slogan and 13 ad pages in Life magazine, Miss Clairol took America by storm.
I’ve gotta be honest: Sometimes even my wife may not know for sure what’s going on with me under the surface—on a deeper level, within my own heart—much less my hairdresser. But when it comes to marriage, we should not leave our spouse guessing, “Does he … or doesn’t he love me?” Our spouses want to know for sure.
There are times when we keep up appearances, declaring our love, without that commitment penetrating to a level of truly altering our individual agendas, dreams, and lives.
Even when the roots begin to show.
It’s hard, in our culture, to distinguish between the bona-fide and the bottle, so to speak. Lust, sex, and infatuation are hopelessly jumbled up in our definition of love.
Yet God’s definition is radically opposite: “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us” (1 John 3:16).
Another way to say this is, “By this we know someone’s true colors.” This brand of love is a commitment to the best interests of my spouse no matter the cost.
Our wedding vows mirror Jesus’ commitment to love us: In sickness and in health (sacrifice). Forsaking all others (priority). ‘Til death do us part (perseverance).
What could it look like for you to let your “real color” show through—backing up your commitment to your spouse with self-sacrificing action?
For more on commitment, read “A Marriage License Is Not a Receipt.”
The Good Stuff: Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:11)
Action Points: Read Luke 9:57-62. How is your love commitment to Jesus fleshed out in your love commitment to your spouse?
November 8
Planes, Trains, and Autocorrect
By Lisa Lakey
My husband’s job requires a certain amount of travel. Currently, we are anticipating him being away for a two-week stint.
We don’t enjoy it, but we adjust. And staying connected is far easier today than it was 20 years ago. I can video chat with him, call, and text him anytime, anywhere. (Video chat wasn’t even a thing when we were dating.)
But sometimes, I rely on it too much.
While technology has been our solid ally during his travels, autocorrect is my steady foe.
Before one particular trip, the husband and I were arguing over something I can’t even remember. But at the time, it was so important that we both went to bed angry.
When I woke up the next morning, he had already left. Realizing how petty this argument really was, I shot him a quick text and went about my morning.
About 30 minutes later, I get his reply: “Wow.” Um, not the response I expected from an apology. Feeling my blood boiling, I started to shoot off a heated text back. But looking at the text thread on my phone stopped my angry fingers in their tracks.
The text I had sent read, “I’m sorry I loathe you.” It was supposed to be, “I’m sorry. I love you.”
I quickly called to explain how autocorrect had failed me again. We laughed about it, but I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t trust your fingers to type what your lips should be saying.
Technology is great, but it does not replace your spouse hearing certain things from your lips … I’m sorry … I love you … You are so good looking … Kiss me now!
Flirty texts are fun, but hearing it is so much sweeter. So next time your fingers get the urge to type up something sweet, let your lips do the talking.
Autocorrect won’t get in the way.
Is social media a hindrance or helpful in your marriage? Read more.
The Good Stuff: Pay attention to yourselves! If you brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. (Luke 17:3)
Action Points: Send half of a flirty text to your spouse. Once you are together, finish it in person. Example: Text, You look so good when … When you see your spouse, say, “when you just get out of the shower and your hair is a mess.”
November 9
Who Won the Argument?
Question: Between you and your spouse, who’s the one who typically wins arguments?
(I know. Dangerous ground, right?)
Here’s the funny thing I’m learning from conflict. Sometimes “who’s right” is only a very small percentage of a successful argument.
Anyone married any length of time will tell you that even if you win, you can actually lose. To be more specific: You can end up being right … and trampling your spouse.
Your spouse feels belittled, or alienated, or superseded, or simply not heard or understood. Something dear to him or her may not have been treated as important or meaningful or worth feeling by you.
And honestly? That means both of you lost.
Sometimes there’s a lot revealed in the questions we ask ourselves. Even the question, “Did I do the right thing?” can blow past other important questions. First Corinthians 13:1-4, for example, reminds us that we can do it all right and still gain nothing if we don’t have love.
Our desire to be right or do right can sometimes be so fierce that we’re afraid to hear what we’re doing wrong.
It can keep us from changing. From truly entering into our spouse’s concerns and imagining what their world is like.
“Right” can block out humility and true care.
Conflict is an opportunity to honor God—in ways like these and more:
- Trusting Him.
- Loving our spouse well.
- Depending on Him.
- Seeking His purposes rather than ours.
- Becoming more fruitful as we understand perspectives and desires beyond our own.
- Growing to be like Jesus.
- Letting go of desires that have ballooned into idolatrous demands.
So “winner of the argument” ironically does not go to the one who argues best.
If the winner of the argument isn’t both of you—often, you both lose.
Go for the real win.
Read “6 Steps for Resolving Conflict in Marriage.”
The Good Stuff: Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)
Action Points: The next time a conflict is brewing between the two of you, take time to look your spouse in the eyes and ask sincerely, “What do you wish I understood right now?” Help your spouse to feel heard. And work toward a solution that addresses both of your interests that lie beneath the presenting issue.
Novemer 10
Are You Listening to Me?
By Lisa Lakey
Two weeks prior, I told my husband we had been invited to a friend’s home for dinner.
“Sounds great,” he said.
Unfortunately, it was apparently not great enough for him to remember.
When the day came, he strolled through the front door 30 minutes late and sweaty from an afternoon of golf. “Do you even hear me when I talk?” I asked.
I wish that were a one-way question. But I’m guilty of the same thing. (My husband would say this is especially true with car-related issues.)
I bet you can relate. We are experts at “hearing” our spouses. The noise of their words hits our ears, but taking the time to focus in on their meaning is a totally different skill.
It requires a willingness to tune out extra distractions like phones, kids, TV, or even hunger (It’s hard for me to focus on anything when I need a snack).
Truth? I naturally tend to tune in to what interests me most … and tune out everything else.
But sometimes it goes even deeper. Resentment and unresolved conflict also seem to have a noise-cancelling effect when I’m listening to my husband.
If I know my husband is really hearing me, I feel loved, cherished, valued, and understood. It communicates that I deserve his attention and he desires to understand my heart.
And that sense of priority cuts both ways.
Listening is a practical, everyday way to place the needs of others above my own. God Himself listens to my cries when I pray to Him, as David reminds us in Psalm 18:6. Just as God listens to me, I long to listen to my spouse—beyond the sound waves hitting my ears.
https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/psalms/18-6.html
Is listening about humility? Check out this Real FamilyLife® minute.
The Good Stuff: Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. (James 1:19)
Action Points: Turn off all distractions for an hour (except the kids, just put them to bed a bit early). Take turns listening to each other’s days, thoughts, rants, etc. Don’t interrupt, but practice really hearing each other.
November 11
Help! I’m the Higher-Libido Spouse—Part I
Can we get real? There is scientific research supporting that men generally have higher libidos than women. But in 25% of marriages, it’s the female whose drive is higher. So let’s talk.
When a husband declines sex, it affects more than a woman’s ego or physical needs.
We might be thinking,
What’s wrong with me?
Am I not attractive? Would someone else find me attractive?
Is he attracted to someone else?
Is he getting it somewhere else?
What am I supposed to do with all this desire?
I’m an affair waiting to happen.
I don’t know what I’ll do if he rejects me again. I’ve tried everything.
It’s private and awkward to discuss with anyone, husbands included. But it can also sting because our souls are welded to our bodies—sexuality is a microcosm of our worlds, a nakedness not just of body, but of mind and spirit.
Though there are physical factors (medication, hormonal imbalances, radical prostate surgery, obesity)—emotional issues are far more likely to influence libido. Before you make assumptions about what you deem an atypical sex drive, consider factors like these:
- Overwork/lack of margin
- Fear of intimacy
- Season of life: young kids, grief, failure at work (leading to diminished masculinity and confidence), etc.
- Marital conflict
- Boredom
- Past abuse/sexual history
- Anger
- Anxiety about sexual performance
Taking it a step further, our assumptions about sex drive may affect us more than actual desire (or what we perceive to be a lack thereof on the part of our husbands). Sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma writes, “If you are the high [sexual-]desire spouse in your marriage, what you think about your husband’s low desire is far more important than his actual desire level, in predicting pain in your marriage.”* What conclusions are you already drawing … and how are they influencing your unity?
Let’s look beneath the surface—not only of our spouses, but ourselves. (Tomorrow we’ll be talking to husbands, as well.)
What does your sex life tell you about your marriage? Read on.
The Good Stuff: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)
Action Points: The Creator of sex knows what’s beneath the presenting symptom of diminished libido. Ask Him for His wisdom and opportunities to not simply talk about this with your husband, but to actually champion his journey of healing. You might pray something like this:
Help me love and accept my spouse unconditionally.
Help me see what might be influencing this situation. When You show me, please give peace and wisdom to know what to do.
Help me take captive my thoughts and make them obedient to You (2 Corinthians 10:5). Don’t let me be driven by fear and anxiety.
*https://shaunti.com/2015/11/when-she-has-the-stronger-sex-drive-part-one/
November 12
Help! I’m the Higher-Libido Spouse—Part II
Yesterday we explored some of the intense heart issues when libido in a marriage is asymmetrical (as it often is). Whether the spouse with the lower sex drive is the husband or the wife, here are more ideas on how to deal.
1. Open up communication.
Approach your spouse when he or she is relaxed and cared for. Communicate you’re in his or her corner. You might talk while snuggling or holding hands.
Watch your nonverbals. Commit to stay chill and empathetic.
Understanding, not fixing, is your goal right now.
“I want to talk about something awkward that means a lot to me. I’m noticing you’re not wanting a lot of sex lately.”
“I want you. I like sex with you!”
“I want to understand what you might be going through on a bigger scale. Can you help me know what it’s like to be you lately? What might be going on that I’m not aware of?”
2. Speak life.
This is your opportunity—in a vulnerable place for both of you—to speak a direct, healing message to insecurity. I accept you 100%—and unconditionally. This isn’t me against you. Let’s heal together. I will be with you the whole way, even if you can’t meet my desire.
You’re communicating what Jesus did in our weakness: I will go the distance to accept you when you cannot perform. I will give of myself to bring you close.
3. Get intentional.
This could mean:
Engineering a less congested schedule
Getting some cardio exercise together, assisting sexual function
Troubleshooting medication issues
Locating an accountability group for struggles with porn or extramarital attraction
Seeking counseling for the perpetual conflict or for deep-seated issues stealing confidence and adequacy
Giving some lead time (via text or conversation) to warm up to the idea of sex later in the day
Reminding your spouse of what is going right, where value lies—and that you’re still their biggest fan
Guarding your “diet” of friends’ and media’s expectations—which can stoke unmet desire. How will you reroute sexual energy?
As you work to overcome isolation, hide even the most intimate parts of yourself in the One who sees you.
Need a little bedroom boost? Read about how intimacy is about far more than sex.
The Good Stuff: “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” (Song of Solomon 2:15)
Action Points: Take one minute to pray for your sexual relationship―and about which suggestions above God would have you heed.
November 13
When Your Spouse Isn’t a Spiritual Hero
It’s a cringe-worthy moment.
Someone’s talking about how they pray or have devotions together every night. What would you even say? That your spouse rolls her eyes when you broach the subject? That you’re dragging him to church?
Thoughts to consider:
1. Take inventory.
Am I grateful for what my spouse is doing right? Do they know it? When I’m honest, how much of this is my own image management?
2. Understand your spouse’s whys.
Is there alienation or anger about spiritual issues? Does she associate rejection or shame with church?
Until you understand the underlying “disease,” you could actually compound your spouse’s hurt or anger by addressing symptoms only. Creating a safe place to get honest and heal is critical. We all walk through sickness and health of the soul, too.
Inward transformation for your spouse is encouraged by your listening to understand. Not instructing.
3. Place your trust where it belongs.
We fear what happens if he doesn’t step up. We fear for her soul or spiritual maturity. We’re a little embarrassed for him (and ourselves) because of associated social failures.
We’re usually grieving legitimate loss, too: of the hopes for our homes or marriages; of having an ally in the foxhole, a teammate in what matters. And in that, we can cry out to and take refuge in God like so many before us.
Ultimately, our trust can’t be in our spouses. It’s in God, who gives the growth (1 Corinthians 3:6-7).
4. Show your spouse Jesus.
You may be the closest representation of God in your spouse’s life. Is God bitter and disappointed, waiting for someone to get their act together? Or is He patient and at peace, arms wide open?
The first step to your spouse witnessing Jesus starts right here, in how you meet their weakness.
Listen to nag-free ways to create change.
The Good Stuff: You have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. (Psalm 63:7).
Action Points: Acknowledge your heart’s questions, losses, and desires in the midst of your spouse’s weakness. Ask God for wisdom to love him or her well, and to be a source of healing for your spouse’s deep spiritual wounds.
November 14
That Tantalizing Sneak Peek
By Lisa Lakey
Smooching, kissing, making out, snogging. Whatever you want to call it, a good kiss is unlike anything else. Well, almost.
I’ve noticed in my own marriage that kissing matters. It’s one of the many ways my relationship with my husband certainly looks different than any other relationship.
Even when we’re at odds, a kiss seems like a coming together of sorts. It reminds us we can disagree and still come back to each other again, still press through the air that separates us.
It’s that way with other things in marriage, too. Particularly sex.
Someone once told me the Bible makes around 70 references to sex. I haven’t personally counted, so I have no idea if this is true. But it had me intrigued.
If God thought it was important enough to mention again and again, we should be listening.
Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:3, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” He goes on to state that we don’t even have authority over our own bodies. Our spouses do. My body belongs to my husband and his to me. This isn’t license for us to take each other for granted. But it is a call to generosity and an invitation to intimacy.
When you are given something precious to oversee, you take care of it, right? Our spouse’s bedroom needs should be no different from that stewardship. Making sure those needs are met not only benefits us physically (lots of science backs this up), but it cares for the relationship. It helps maintain the oneness God gifted to your marriage (See Genesis 2).
And kissing? It’s like a preview to enjoying that oneness. No, it doesn’t always lead to the feature, but it gives you a good glimpse of it.
How would you rate your kissing? Consider taking the 30-second kiss challenge.
The Good Stuff: Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5)
Action Points: Make a point to kiss your spouse (make it a good one!) at least these three times each day: In the morning, when you come together after work, and before bed. As much as possible, let that kiss be a preview to something more.
November 15
5 Things To Be Thankful for When Your Marriage Is a Wreck
By Mary May Larmoyeux and Janel Breitenstein
Moment of truth: It’s easy to give thanks for your marriage when your spouse tells you how great you look, your kids are bringing home A’s, and you’re getting all handsy in the kitchen.
But what about the days following your third miscarriage? Or a relapse? Or when we can’t stand each other?
How do you thank God in the dark?
Try focusing on thanking Him for the things that are unchanging regardless of our circumstances:
- Faith: I don’t have to earn my way to heaven. I’ve been made right with You because I trust Jesus’ work on the Cross on my behalf. (Galatians 2:16; John 3:16)
- Creation: Your artwork is stunning. Thanks for this beauty, and the promise that the best is yet to come. (Revelation 4:11)
- Love: When I read what real love is like—patient, and kind, not jealous or boastful, not seeking its own, keeping no record of wrongs—I feel inadequate. But this is how You love—and how You’ll love through me. (1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7)
- Suffering: Jesus and Paul accepted suffering—trusting, knowing they could endure hardships through Your stamina. And You give me the power to do the same; I can know You work it all for Your good purpose. (1 Peter 2:22-24; 1 Timothy 1:8)
- I’m not in control: This is Your show. I’m so grateful Your Spirit prays for me right in line with Your plan, answers better than I imagine. Thanks for being over all this … and so much more trustworthy and perfect than I am. (Psalm 103:19, Romans 8:26-27)
When your relationship is in a slump, it’s helpful to remember that marriage is an investment. Be willing to stick it out to see the returns.
Check out these six prayers for marriage when it feels like you need a miracle.
The Good Stuff: Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! (Psalm 107:1)
Action Points: What’s one way you individually want to express your gratitude to God today, even in the middle of a circumstance you can’t understand?
November 16
Got a Light?
Last winter, a neon-yellow index card served as a lamp for my family.
Before you go and try it—it wasn’t physical light. We were navigating some of the darkest days in our marriage, discovering our 13-year-old might have cancer.
My son inspired The Card, which now sits on my nightstand. Even as he cried, he started rehearsing what we were thankful for in all this. Turns out I needed that unflagging reminder, so I corralled our thanks on an index card. We kept adding to it.
In those hard days, gratitude helped me trust that despite what I see, there’s a reason for my pain.
Thankfulness and worship—this brand of sustained, true happiness—are closely braided. They throw my eyes up, away from my own navel; away from my demand that everything must go just as I hope. It shoves my husband and me from our near-sightedness. Casts a spotlight on gifts piling up right and left.
Suddenly, the Spirit’s fruit tumbles forth in a happy avalanche: Joy like an anchor. Peace I can’t articulate. Faith-filled trust that nourishes and bandages.
I feel loved rather than cheated. Secure rather than unmoored. Soothed rather than chafed.
It alters the fabric of a home to see the goodness of God everywhere. But gratitude is not natural. Like every other virtue, it is discipline imposed, choices sculpted into habit.
Though “what I want” was never the goal—I can now add “no tumor” to that Day-Glo index card. My son had an extra bone on his cervical vertebra. When we got the call, we dissolved in more thanks.
In his gratitude, my son uncovered for us an old lamp—a steady beam to navigate my most consuming darknesses.
Giving thanks in dark times is a humbling experience, but it helps to put our lives in proper perspective. Read “When You Don’t Feel Like Giving Thanks.”
The Good Stuff: For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. (Romans 1:21)
Action Points: Consider keeping a small gratitude journal—or even an index card—between you and your spouse, especially in hard times.
November 17
Stopping Toxic Thoughts During the Holidays (Part 1)
By Laura Way
The holidays are stressful, right? Schedules … packed to-do lists … people we don’t often see (like your cousin’s father-in-law’s nephew). On top of it all is the pressure to make everything magical for everyone.
And while there are plenty of things vying for our attention this season, toxic thoughts don’t need to be one of them.
Especially those holiday-induced toxic thoughts that creep into our marriage.
What do I mean by “toxic”? Let’s look at some holiday hypotheticals, shall we?
Mind reading: My husband didn’t say anything about my new holiday dress, so he probably hates it.
Fortune telling: Last year, her conversations with my family got a bit tense. Things will probably be worse this year.
All-or-nothing thinking: I can’t afford the gift my wife really wants, why even try?
Sound familiar?
Here are a couple ways to stop toxic thoughts in their tracks this holiday season (tomorrow, we’ll send you two more!). Before they finagle their way between you and your love.
- Recognize toxic thoughts before they take hold.
Toxic thoughts and thinking patterns can be insidious. Often, it starts with some kernel of truth that gets distorted and turned into a weapon against ourselves or others. You (or your spouse) make a mistake, or something out of anyone’s control goes wrong—then stress distorts the reality of mistake to mortal sin.
It sucks all the grace out of the room, when the reality is that grace abounds when stress abounds.
- Replace toxic thoughts with helpful thoughts.
Be ready with gracious truths to replace the toxic thoughts: My spouse is only human, we’re both doing the best we can.
Or rehearse God’s lavish love for you: Nothing can separate me from the love of God (see Romans 8:39). Let His love spur on yours for your spouse.
Need a little more help? Check your inbox tomorrow for a couple more ideas.
Dreading the upcoming holiday festivities? Grab FamilyLife’s Holiday Survival Guide.
The Good Stuff: For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
Action Points: What situations cause you to lean toward toxic thoughts during the holidays? Pray now for God to take hold of your thoughts.
November 18
Stopping Toxic Thoughts During the Holidays (Part 2)
By Laura Way
Yesterday, we talked about how toxic thoughts can easily invade our minds—and marriages—this time of year.
Yes, the holidays can somehow bring out the worst in us. But here are two more ways to stop toxic thoughts from coming between you and your love.
- Re-imagine your expectations.
Often, toxic thought patterns surface during the holidays when we have unrealistic expectations. Before the holidays are fully upon us is a great time to evaluate those expectations. Are we expecting ourselves, our spouse, the ambiance, and the weather to be “practically perfect in every way”? Or a dreadful disappointment?
Identify these self-made demands and re-imagine the possibilities. Things might go wrong, but we choose how we respond. They can be opportunities to marinate in self-pity, discontentment, and bitterness or opportunities to receive (and extend) God’s tender grace, forgiveness, comfort, and love.
- Return to your knees.
There’s no use in sugar-coating it—the holidays can be challenging. Some of our deepest pains, losses, and fears have a way of coming out of our careful hiding to be featured prominently like an ugly Christmas sweater. Even the past hurts from our marriage can surface.
None of us want to wear that uncomfortable sweater. But we can wear our truest selves with God. It’s His love, acceptance, and delight our souls crave at their deepest level. As you breathe in His grace this holiday season, offer your toxic thoughts to Him in prayer.
Even if the focus of our giving thanks this year winds up being solely that Jesus understands our sorrows, isolation, being misunderstood, running up against the brokenness around us—then may connecting with Him be a gift we are willing to receive this year.
It’s hard to be grateful when life’s hard. Read more in “How Can I Be Thankful When My World’s a Wreck?”
The Good Stuff: I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” (Psalm 16:2)
Action Points: What expectations do you have this year that might be a bit out of touch with reality? Find time with your spouse to talk over holiday expectations and where you each may need to cut back to keep a healthy balance.
November 19
Your Boats are Burning
One year into marriage, they were already completely miserable as a couple. Someone asked us to meet with them to see if we could help.
We decided to meet with him first. I remember two sentences from our time together.
“In the weeks leading up to our wedding day, I knew I didn’t like her that much.”
Then why the heck did you get married?
“I told myself, if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just get divorced.”
Got it. Thank you. You can stop now. I think I understand what’s going on here.
And what you’re saying is both ridiculous and a great reminder.
If you’re not sure you like each other before the wedding, you definitely won’t after. “Liking” each other, outside of arranged marriage, is a prerequisite for marrying someone. It’s something to fall back on when frustration sets in.
But how many of us nurture some variation of his escape clause?
This guy approached marriage with a trump card he’d hidden up his sleeve, a Survivor immunity idol to keep him safe in case it got tough—which it inevitably would.
Maybe you’ve heard of Cortes, the explorer who sank his own ships to ensure his crew would follow him inland. With no opportunity for retreat, all their energy went into figuring out a way to make it work. For this and many other reasons, Cortes is not exactly a model leader. But the concept is transferable to marriage.
Even if you’ve divorced previously, have you expressed in your current marriage that divorce won’t be an option? Have you said it out loud to each other?
Say it today. Remind each other.
Be anchored by an agreed upon starting point that says, “No retreat.” Let the smell of that burning wood motivate you to be secure in your resolve.
To pray more for each other. To get counseling help. To forgive again. To remember why you first liked each other.
Whatever it takes.
Does your marriage need help? Check out our free resource, “How To Save Your marriage.”
The Good Stuff: What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. (Mark 10:9)
Action Points: Ever find yourself fantasizing about an escape hatch for your marriage? What pain points in your marriage most cause you to glance at the door? Choose one sacrificial solution you’ll actively pursue to do whatever it takes.
November 20
Whatever Happens, I Choose Us
I tried a cleanse once. It involved a lot of weird capsules the size of a stalk of asparagus, and not a whole lot else.
Through my extensive Google research, turns out there are a wide variety of cleanses, in fact. They involve everything from garcinia cabogia, bone broth, infrared saunas, custom juices, and all sorts of goodies to purge … well, whatever. With a chunk o’change, you could clean out everything from your liver to your acne.
What if you could detox what matters and lasts?
More to the point—what could a marriage detox look like?
Nix the junk food.
Maybe it’s time for a fast from social media (and its byproduct, discontentment) or from criticism and divisive thoughts (1 Peter 3:8).
It could be time to finally seek help for that porn problem.
Perhaps you need to burn the romance novels, or distance yourself from a friend who doesn’t encourage you in your marriage.
You may need to relentlessly purge your home of possessions that fool you with false satisfaction, drawing you away from God and each other.
Snack on whole foods.
What would it look like to feed your marriage nutritiously and without contaminants, getting back to the basics?
Could it involve reading the Word briefly together or praying together?
Would it be beneficial to tighten up on what media you consume together?
Is it time to surround yourselves with a supportive community, rather than living on a marital island?
Get some air.
The overwhelmed, overcommitted, exhausted version of the two of you—and your marriage—isn’t one where any marriage thrives or heals. It’s hard to clear the byproducts, so to speak, of irritability, resentment, and feeling used or unseen. What’s one thing you could stand to clear from your schedule?
Get off the couch.
It could be time for your family to burn some of its energy for purposes beyond itself. After all, as Proverbs teaches us, when we refresh others, we will be refreshed ourselves (Proverbs 11:25).
Does your marriage need a social media detox? Read more on both the good and harmful sides.
The good stuff: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
Action Points: What’s one situation in which your mind is tempted to divert from your vows to each other? Find one Scripture to memorize which can arm you when you don’t feel like full commitment to your spouse.
November 21
4 Lessons on Marriage From the First Thanksgiving
By Lisa Lakey
In search of a fresh start, the Pilgrims encountered sickness, a grueling winter, and death after landing on Cape Cod. But an alliance with the Wampanoag tribe changed everything, offering healing and restoration after a harsh season.
This story is one that resonates with all of us: that life is often not what we expected.
After our daughter was born, we went through a season of pain in our marriage. A big life change, unrealistic expectations, hurtful words, and unhealthy communication habits nearly destroyed us. I had expected the happiest time in our lives. Instead, I encountered what I thought was the death of our marriage.
But like the Pilgrims remembered during their first harvest, God is always working to restore His people. And that includes your marriage.
Here are four reminders that can apply to whatever season of marriage you find yourself in.
God is always worthy of praise. Especially in trials, our faith rests in the promise that God is working (see Romans 8:28). And that is a reason for praise.
There is always hope for tomorrow. I can’t help but think about the faith it took for the Pilgrims to plant those first few kernels of corn, not knowing whether they would produce a crop. It required hope. It can be hard to see past the struggles of today, but God always gives us hope for tomorrow.
We’re better together. An alliance was key to the colonists’ ultimate survival. Likewise, holding tight to your spouse through the storms of life can be the determining factor for the survival of your marriage. But sometimes it takes more than two. Letting a pastor or marriage counselor in on your pain is a wise step toward healing.
Seasons change. Like the Pilgrims, you might feel like you are just surviving. Been there. That first year after our daughter was born was just hard. But seasons change. A harsh winter can turn into a beautiful spring. But you’ll only know that if you wait out the winter storm.
No matter the season, did you know gratitude can maximize your joy?
The Good Stuff: For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3)
Action Points: Where is God working in your marriage? If you’re struggling to see God’s hand, pray. Ask Him to help you clearly see His goodness through the trials. If you’ve overcome struggles in the past, thank Him for His healing and restoration in your marriage.
November 22
When you live in Hawaii, where do you go on vacation?
At one point on my friend’s trip to Hawaii, the driver in his shuttle remarked, “I think I need to go on vacation.”
My friend laughed. Where do you vacation when you live in Hawaii?
Wherever you live, it’s never all bliss. Yet, as C.S. Lewis wrote in The Magician’s Nephew, “What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing.” One side of my own house overlooks a VRBO (Vacation Rental by Owner). Still, God has to tap me on the shoulder from time to time: Just a reminder. You live in a place people go on vacation.
Maybe your marriage as a whole has not turned out to be what you hoped. But what if at least parts of it are worthy of appreciating? What things in your marriage do you take for granted that would be someone else’s vacation, someone else’s greener grass?
Perhaps you can find gratitude in that your marriage is based on Judeo-Christian values, rather than oppressive value systems still in place in other parts of the world. Or your family can eat regular meals and are literate, or you have married by choice.
Even when the ways to thank God for your marriage feel paper-thin, perhaps it’s God Himself for which you can be thankful. That He’s in your marriage, that forgiveness and change and resurrection of dead things are always possible. That hope lives.
And even if your marriage is never resurrected, even if you find more things about your spouse you need to forgive rather than feel grateful for, thank God you can trust Him for the things you can change: In Him, you have the power to take responsibility for your own heart.
Maybe that seems to set the bar low. Or is it only getting started, just tipping up our chins to spy God’s goodness?
If your marriage is less than blissful, and you feel like giving up, beware of “Greener Grass Syndrome.”
The Good Stuff: Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
Action Points: Write your spouse a note of gratitude. Be both general and specific. And challenge yourself: Every day this month, could you come up with at least one thing to tell your spouse you’re grateful for about them or your marriage?
November 23
Who’s singing lead?
Recently, when singing with a band, I scrawled “4 inches” all over my sheet music.
I’m a backup vocalist, see. Rather than my lips brushing the mic, the entire mix sounds better when I’m four inches away. Otherwise, I obliterate the melody. Any sound engineer will tell you a sound that grabs your heart out of your chest involves just the right volume of each component.
But it’s just so easy to get out of order. (Like the rest of life.)
Take marriage. With fingers spinning through the radio stations, you’d think falling in love is amazing enough to retrieve one from bankruptcy, cure liver failure, and absolve the world of all corrupt dictatorships.
Throw to the wind morning breath, those boogers he wipes under the seat of the car, and her propensity to spend precisely three times the grocery budget. Love is where it’s at.
So if you actually find that holiest of grails, it would be tempting to guard the love of your life like a pitbull; to put love and marriage and your spouse first. But whatever is first in our lives is where our allegiance lies. It informs our every decision and desire. It “sings lead” over every life category.
Our default voice in every mix—unless we deliberately overthrow it—will be ourselves and our passions. John Calvin famously wrote that we are “idol-making factories,” constantly manufacturing something for our hearts to bow to: We exchange the truth about God for a lie and worship and serve the creature rather than the Creator (Romans 1:25).
Ironically, in order to love my husband best, he needs to know I love God first—that God sings lead over all.
Rather than sounding second rate, the rest of the band suddenly falls into place. Each of us will love each other with a fuller, more harmonious, Christ-like love when intimacy with God leads the band.
In this podcast, Bob Lepine reminds us that most of us got married for oneness, but that requires patience.
The Good Stuff: Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. (1 John 4:11-12)
Action Points: How can you encourage each other to allow God to “sing lead”?
- Keep each other accountable for being in God’s Word. Ask each other what you’re learning about God.
- Go on a weekly walk to share prayers you’ve seen God answer and the ones you’re still waiting on. Texting these works great as a constant reminder.
- Spend time individually, then together confessing any misarranged loves in your life. Ask the Lord to help you want to put Him first, even above each other.
November 24
Generosity is Attractive
By Laura Way
Generosity is an attractive quality in a spouse.
When there’s an opportunity to give to charity, my husband and I take time to pray about it. Then we’ll both ballpark a number. My heart swells with love when his number’s higher than mine.
Once when studying Proverbs, he shared he was learning that financial stewardship (aka, using the money God gifts us) is often heralded as a virtue, but like the money itself, only when used the proper way. Stewardship is good when it leads to generosity. Stewardship is not so good if it only leads to accumulation.
My husband imagined that if there was currency in Heaven, bargaining might look more like each person trying to outdo each other in generosity rather than lowballing each other.
What a beautiful table! Let me give you $500 for it.
Thank you, but I couldn’t possibly take more than $300.
“Wouldn’t that be a fun way to bargain?” he asked.
It’s fun to give a generous gift to someone, but if I’m honest, it’s because I’m fairly certain I’ll have enough left for what I need. Jesus seems to teach a more radical generosity, though. Given from scarcity rather than abundance, which can feel more risky than fun.
Marriage pushes us toward a more radical way of giving—not just of money, but of my time and energy too. And daily life is like boot camp for living this out.
It feels risky to give extra pieces of me to my husband when I’m worried if I’ll have enough left for myself. Like at the end of the day, when I just really want time to watch TV or curl up with a good book, but my husband needs to talk about his day.
Thankfully, we can keep fixing our eyes on Jesus who perfectly modeled, “it’s more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). Because Jesus’ brand of generosity? That’s pretty attractive.
What if you and your spouse have different thoughts on generosity and money? Read 10 tips for talking this out with your spouse.
The Good Stuff: Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Corinthians 9:7)
Action Points: Is your life characterized by generosity? With money, with your time and energy? Does giving in these ways feel fun or risky? Ask God if He’ll empower you to trust Him to provide for your needs so you can give with a joyful heart.
November 25
I Fake-love You
Ever noticed how some expressions of real love seem to describe fake love?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
We never fight.
I’m following my heart.
Let’s step back from the Top 40 and Nicholas Sparks for a minute.
In his book Love Like You Mean It, Bob Lepine writes:
Most of us got married because of how our spouse made us feel … So we said “I’ll move in and wear a ring and share a house payment and have kids with you—as long as you keep making me feel that way.”
… Most of us get married to get, not to give.
Real love isn’t defined by all the feels. Relational smooth sailing. Doing what you want. Maintaining an escape hatch when you’re so over it.
In fact, that kind of love may be the most fake. It doesn’t do the hard, committed work of genuine love.
First Corinthians 13:4-8 elaborates on real love: Patience. Kindness. Humility. Generosity. Gentleness. Virtuosity. Honesty. Tenacity. Resilience.
Here’s what it doesn’t say: Love feels good. It never responds to another’s pain and desires unless it wants to. It never argues. It makes sure others pull their weight. Love says whatever it’s thinking. Love sticks around till emotion does us part.
Real love is frequently counter to what comes naturally. But Christ showed love by His own death.
If genuine love is revealed in its sacrifice (patience, kindness, humility)—real love gut-punches all imitations structured around the opposite: personal satisfaction, happiness, and self-actualization that rarely deliver.
Wanting to know if your love is real? Take a look at its heart-center. If it first aims to honor God, then spouse? You’ve got the makings of real, lasting love.
Listen to Bob Lepine talk about how everything minus love equals nothing.
The Good Stuff: By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives… (1 John 3:16)
Action Points: What’s one love myth you’re most tempted to believe? Considering Satan is the father of lies—what’s one Scripture you can memorize to contradict that lie when it appears?
November 26
Doggie bag, please
By Lisa Lakey
During a particularly low point in our marriage, the husband and I went to dinner with another couple. Newlyweds, in fact. (I know. What were we thinking?)
They were so sickeningly sweet to each other my teeth started aching before the appetizers came. I kid you not, they even touched their foreheads together and had this weird eye-contact moment. I had to look away.
By the time we got our entrees, I was nauseated from the sugar show. I asked the waiter for a doggie bag and packed my fettuccine to go. I was done.
In that moment, all I could think was how much better their relationship was than ours. How they were so in love when we were, at best, tolerating each other.
When married life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, I tend to forget comparison is a life-sucking trap.
It’s easy for us to look at another couple and think, Wow, they’ve got it all together. But in reality, they’ll face struggles similar to what we all face—job losses, busyness, financial hardships, sickness, even comparison.
And you’ll likely never know it. In relationships, what you see on the surface doesn’t always reflect what’s going on inside.
We’ve had dinner with the same couple since that night. My husband and I were in a better place this time around, and (surprise) they didn’t seem so obnoxiously in love (not that it’s a bad thing).
Maybe that had less to do with them, and more to do with my own attitude.
I didn’t compare our marriages during the meal, I just enjoyed the company. I was, however, able to savor my meal. No doggie bags required.
All marriages go through rough patches. Read on for three common arguments in marriage and how to deal.
The Good Stuff: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife … or anything that is your neighbor’s.” (Exodus 20:17)
Action Points: Stuck in comparison mode? Sit down (if not now, soon) and write out five things you are thankful for in your spouse or marriage. Share this list with your spouse.
November 27
Can You Little-Blue-Pill Your Way to a Better Marriage?
By Ed Uszynski
It seems “little blue pill” commercials only come on our TV when one of my kids is sitting with me.
Tonight, all four kids are here with Amy and me as one begins.
And here comes the 9-year-old.
“Dad, what are those … some kind of candy?”
The more-informed turn toward me in joyous anticipation.
“You know what Trey … why don’t you go empty the garbage?”
Besides the family discomfort, I always catch a whiff of phoniness in those commercials, as though I could little-blue-pill my way to a better marriage.
Don’t get me wrong. If there are genuine physiological problems going on, this pill is a gift from God. But having a ready-for-sex relationship takes more than a magic pill—even if you really need it.
“Husbands, love [Greek: agape] your wives as Christ loved [agaped] the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, emphasis and notes added).
Agape means to unconditionally do what’s best for my wife, regardless of what it costs or what I get in return.
We agape because that’s our special calling and privilege as men within the confines of marriage, the little stuff every day that winds up measuring the quality of our love. It’s a “special” calling because agape helps me become what I wouldn’t otherwise become on my own.
Now, any good marriage book describes how agape can also act as a natural aphrodisiac, but that’s not the point. We don’t agape to get sex.
(Though it’s definitely true that even with a medicine-cabinet full of blue pills, it’s agape that creates an environment for ever actually needing them.)
Guessing for most of us, the problem isn’t faulty anatomy—it’s faulty love. I need supernatural help more than medical enhancement.
So … yeah. If your body needs them they are a little like candy, but the best candy of all is learning how to agape-love your wife.
That’ll preach.
It’ll also wipe all the greedy little grins off those faces waiting for me to explain that pill…
Husbands, how does Jesus love His bride?
The Good Stuff: Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine. (Song of Solomon 1:2)
Action Points: Ask your spouse specifically: “What’s one way I could love you unconditionally? What’s one typical circumstance when I’m really not acting as that safe place for you?” Listen without defensiveness—and choose to act.
November 28
Digging for Gold … Beneath the Money
If someone asked you where your spouse is most vulnerable, what would you say? (Hint: Hopefully you wouldn’t.)
My husband knows most of mine: many things that send me reeling where others may only see me smile gamely.
He knows that last night just trying on a pair of shorts, my second pair in 10 years, triggered all my old body-image issues and left me curled beside him.
So let me delicately mention another likely vulnerable topic between the two of you: money.
Jesus tells us, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).
We spend—or strategically save—in ways that address some of our most core longings: for security. Control. Power. Comfort. Appearance. Acceptance. Influence. Independence. Connectedness.
Sometimes those desires swell beyond their proper place and become demands; or they become things we depend on when we’re afraid. (Sometimes these are known as idols.)
So, yes, these desires might be a place of pain and anger for you. But they’re also a place of profound vulnerability for your spouse—just like your hopes behind money are for you.
The next time you two scuffle about money, set the money aside for a minute. Ask your spouse about the concern beneath the money. Chances are, underneath even illegitimate desires lie concerns that are quite real.
How can you receive your spouse there, and see the value in what’s sacred to the person God asks you to care for? How can you be a safe place and demonstrate God’s trustworthiness and nurture?
How can you keep money from being a source of conflict? Read on.
The Good Stuff: Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23)
Action Points: Get aware of your own “treasure beneath the treasure” of money. What motivates the ways you handle money? In what ways can those things tend to grow beyond their place and into the place of God?
November 29
Romantic Traditions to Brighten the Holidays
By Lisa Lakey
What is it about Christmas that’s so hard on a marriage?
Maybe it’s all the focus on the kids or the arguments about how much to spend (or more pointedly, not to spend). Or maybe it’s just the hustle and bustle of schedules and to-do lists that make us more tired than any North Pole resident on December 24.
I don’t know about you, but this season can often take my marital bliss from merry and bright to bah-humbug quicker than you can re-gift Aunt Cheryl’s Christmas fruitcake.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. This year, I’m focusing less on presents and more on presence. Yes, it’s cliche. I know. But however you phrase it, one-on-one time with my hubby is at the top of my Christmas list this year.
Here are a few ideas for romantic traditions to brighten the holidays.
Hot drinks and a fire. Ok, my husband’s more of a hot apple cider kind of guy, but it makes little difference to me (cocoa all the way). After the kids are in bed (or even quiet in their rooms), I plan on a lot of blankets, hot drinks, and an outside fire for two.
Dinner and dollar shopping. A friend told me she and her husband don’t buy Christmas gifts for each other. Instead, they set aside the money for a nice dinner out around the holidays, and head on over to their nearest dollar store. Then they race to find the best gift $5 can buy.
Host a wrapping party … for two. I love wrapping presents, my husband does not. But he agrees to sit on the floor with me and hand me tape. Plan some easy snacks and finger foods, your favorite holiday drinks, and put on some Christmas music. Voila. Party of the year.
Wondering how to ease the stress this Christmas? We’ve got ideas for that, too.
The Good Stuff: Let all that you do be done in love. (1 Corinthians 16:14)
Action Points: How can you set some time aside for your marriage this season? What holiday traditions can be tweaked or created to focus on your relationship during this season?
November 30
When Bad Things Happen
We were away on a beach trip for our anniversary, enjoying great romance, good seafood, and breathtaking sunrises and sunsets.
It was amidst the sweet sounds of seagulls cawing and gentle waves washing ashore that my husband got seriously ill.
After a misdiagnosis and two weeks in the hospital, he was diagnosed with polyarteritis nodosa, which causes inflammation in the small and medium arteries.
But that was only the beginning.
Within a few years, the disease affected his heart, causing it to fail.
I watched my husband―the one who played college football―struggle with dizziness, shortness of breath, difficulty doing everyday chores. This man who’d advanced up the corporate ladder and swung my girls up on his shoulders now found putting on his shoes physically taxing.
A year later, he suffered a life-threatening heart attack. After lengthy hospitalizations for advanced heart failure, we were told his heart muscle had become dangerously weak.
We had to make a choice for his treatment and opted for a mechanical heart pump. He went on the heart transplant list six months later.
We’re still waiting for a new heart.
Our new normal involves hospital stays, endless doctor visits, and the maintenance of a lot of equipment that must go where we go.
Is it scary at times? Very. Especially when concerning symptoms like shortness of breath, chest pain, or numbness in his right arm occurs. What if I lose him? I feel the fear constricting my own chest.
Is there uncertainty at times? Absolutely.
But together, we’ve learned to trust God like never before, and cling to the words of Jesus who said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27).
Listen to this episode of the FamilyLife Blended podcast on how to trust God through suffering.
The Good Stuff: Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised. (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)
Action Points: Discuss together some things that you can do now to be prepared for a day when one of you may have to take care of the other because of a serious illness. For instance:
- How can you strengthen your relationship now to keep your marriage strong and protected when bad things happen?
- What are some ways in which you can make a practice of “living in the moment” and make the best of the here and now, while you both are healthy?