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What are your Christmas traditions? Trimming the tree? Baking and decorating cookies? Cooking special dishes reserved for the holiday season? If you’re a parent, surely it includes a family gift exchange.

Growing up, those were all traditions we followed, and when I got married and had kids of my own, it was a no-brainer to bring those same traditions into my newly established family.

However, six years and four kids into my parenting journey, I found myself dreading what was supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Shopping for gifts was taking up all my time post-Thanksgiving, on top of church Christmas play rehearsals, recitals, and countless Christmas gatherings. I was at my wit’s end. I had come to associate the holiday season with utter chaos and overwhelming fatigue.

One December night, frazzled, I asked my husband, Moses, a rhetorical question: “What if we stopped giving Christmas gifts to the kids?”

To my surprise, he didn’t immediately shut down my idea. I guess it wasn’t a rhetorical question after all. By the time the next Christmas rolled around, we had made our decision: gift exchanges would be no more in the Sanchez household. The harder task would be getting our extended family on board. 

Rethinking the Christmas gift exchange

To paint a picture for you, as a first-generation Filipino-American, Christmas is a main event to say the least. There’s an old joke that Filipinos only celebrate Christmas during the months that end in “ber.” If you’ve ever visited the Philippines anytime after September 1, you would see that’s no exaggeration. Not to mention, I have four sisters close in age, and I’m the only one with kids. The tita (aunt) temptation to spoil your nieces and nephews is real, and my parents could hardly help but overindulge their only grandkids.

I’ll never forget the dread I felt as I sent a text to our extended family, politely asking them to skip the gift exchange. I was careful to avoid questioning their motives. Instead, I explained we would reserve birthdays as a time to shower our kids with presents. 

The Christmas season would be our opportunity as a family to emphasize other values: 

1. We want to create memories as a family. In other words, we want to emphasize experiences over things.

My family and I live in New York City, and are fortunate enough to have access to plenty of festive Christmas activities. One experience we’ve experienced together is visiting the famous Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree and the Holiday Train Show at Grand Central Terminal. Another memory we’ve experienced as a family for the past several years has been staying at a friend’s cabin in the Poconos over the days leading up to Christmas and spending quality time there eating junk food, watching our favorite holiday movies, and playing board games. 

2. We want our kids to prioritize serving others.

We’ve given out bags of coffee to strangers we pass by on the street, or gift cards to the workers at the bodegas we frequent (small grocery stores common in NYC; if you know, you know), or baked cookies for our neighbors in our apartment building. 

In the animated short film A Charlie Brown Christmas, the wise sage Charlie Brown bemoans the fact that materialism has upstaged the celebration of Christ’s birth and a spirit of generosity has been nearly forgotten during the holiday season. I couldn’t agree more.

Several questions sparked our decision to redefine Christmas traditions for our family:

• Could there be an alternative to the self-centered, materialistic, American cultural celebration of Christmas?
• We have the responsibility as parents to shape the values of a generation that will outlive us, how will we steward this well?

Replacing the gift exchange with new holiday traditions

We are now six years into our holiday tradition, and as expected, we have tweaked it a bit (although the same values steer any changes we make). We still don’t do traditional gift exchanges, but we do a “Secret Santa” in which each kid is randomly assigned a sibling to shop for at Five Below. 

We’ve been consistent for the past three years to get away to the Poconos, sometimes at our friends’ cabin and sometimes at a Christian camp site. We now have a hot cocoa bar and watch our favorite Christmas movies while chomping on homemade popcorn. One year, my sisters joined us and the plastic wrap game tradition was born, in which small toys and candies are wrapped tightly within a ball of plastic wrap and players take turns unwrapping, keeping any prize that falls out during their turn. For the past five years, we’ve visited Dyker Heights in Brooklyn, known for their lavish Christmas lights displays, and the kids look forward to buying overpriced ice cream from trucks that line each block of the neighborhood. 

I know some of you may be reading this and thinking: “Grinch–ahem. I mean, Marilette, that all sounds noble, but my kids would hate me.” Or maybe, “What would my parents think if I deprived them of the chance to spoil their grandkids?” 

To which I would just offer a couple paradigm shifts that would apply whether or not you decide to buy presents.  

• What if we valued experiences and quality time over more “stuff”? In lieu of toys, you can offer a trip to the ice cream shop, a movie, concert or sporting event, or maybe consider a gift that keeps on giving like a year-long membership to a museum or botanical gardens.
• What if we valued buying educational toys or enhancing a current talent or interest? Instead of buying the latest flashy toy that your kid will lose interest in within a couple of days, what if you bought your musically-inclined child a new keyboard or guitar? Do you have a budding artist in your midst? Try buying them a new art kit, easel, or even art lessons for the year. 

Choose what’s right for your family

I recently asked my family members if they remember their initial reaction to that infamous text. To my surprise, my sisters recall not minding at all. One of them, whose love language is quality time, was excited for the opportunity to redirect her funding toward things she could experience alongside the kids. Two were relieved to at least have the opportunity to spoil the kids on their birthdays with no limits. One of them was excited at the prospect to be innovative and create new traditions. 

My mom recalls her and my dad’s disappointment in not being able to see the excitement on the kids’ faces while opening presents during Christmas. I concede that there are different dynamics at play between being a grandparent versus a parent. All that to say, I have a newfound respect for my parents who respected our boundaries, despite not wholeheartedly agreeing with our family’s decision. 

My intention in sharing our nontraditional family tradition is not to be closed-minded and pushy about all families needing to follow in our footsteps. I simply want to encourage parents not to mindlessly follow the traditions thrust upon us by society at large. Instead, let’s realize the freedom we have to create our own family traditions and values. 

As parents, we get to choose what is best for our family in each season. We have every right to switch up the status quo, and must remind ourselves often that there is always room to tweak and pivot from the “normal” as time goes on. I hope hearing a snippet of my family’s story can be a reminder to others of the freedom we have available to us in Christ in our parenting journey and beyond.

Adapted from “Why I’m Rethinking Gift Exchanges This Christmas,” originally published on Marilette Sanchez.com. Used with permission. Copyright © 2023 by Marilette Sanchez. All rights reserved.

Marilette Sanchez is a New Yorker passionate about finding the connections between God, relationships, and pop culture. She is wife to Moses, a homeschooling mom to five young children, and a full-time missionary with FamilyLife. She believes there is more to the Christian life than hypocrisy and more to pop culture than shallow art. College sweethearts and NYC natives, she and her husband, Moses, are FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® speakers known for their transparency and their ability to inject their love of hip hop and pop culture into their discussions of love, sex and marriage. She has recently co-founded an online apparel company to raise awareness for mental health issues in the church and communities of color. Follow her parenting and homeschooling journey on Instagram at @bigcitybigfamily and her musings on womanhood and pop culture at marilettesanchez.com. 

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The holidays can be a stressful time juggling visitations, planning family activities, and managing all the feelings in the Christmas season. Emotions in blended families are often magnified during Christmas. Gayla Grace and Ron Deal offer practical ways to be sensitive and promote positivity so your holiday can be a truly joyous time.
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What if your New Year’s resolution this year was to let God love you? What if it was to let God be rich in mercy to you in a way that you’ve never let him before? How would that change the way you thought about this coming year? Or more importantly, how would that change the way you interacted with God this year? Let’s allow ourselves to be lifted into growth instead of trying to crowbar ourselves into growth. As 2023 rolls in, you’re going to love this special, short bonus episode with my guest: pastor and author Dane Ortlund.
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It’s the most wonderful time of year! Wait … is it really? We want Christmas to be a season that feels magical. But too often, we feel disappointment, stress, sadness, and loneliness. Listen to Ron Deal’s conversation with author and former co-host of FamilyLife Today Bob Lepine on how to find lasting joy this holiday season.
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Feeling lonely, low, or even depressed during this holiday season? Author and pastor Dane Ortlund helps you to gain the genuine hope and guidance that comes straight out of the book of Psalms, and then rejuvenates your soul this Christmas.
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I still remember how I felt coming home for Christmas break my freshman year. I was overwhelmed by new challenges and anxieties—living in an unfamiliar place, trying to form a new community, preparing for the future, etc. I needed someone to listen and encourage me to keep moving forward.

One night, my mom stayed up late, holding me close as I divulged the burdens that rested on my heart. I could only share these things because I knew my mom loved and supported me. While we didn’t always get along, I felt us grow closer after that conversation.

What your college kid needs on Christmas break

If you’re the parent of a college student, you might be wondering what’s on their heart when they come home for Christmas break. They’ve been spending time in a new environment, taking on new responsibilities, and forming new perspectives. You may have noticed their relational needs change because of it.

Just as your student has grown and changed, your relationship with them may change as well. Consider these five things your college kid needs on Christmas break.

1. Ask good questions and listen well.

My mom’s willingness to stay up late with me provided a safe environment to share my heart. She was caring and approachable. She helped me process what was on my mind, and I found peace in knowing I had her support.

As a parent, it’s important to seek out opportunities to have intentional conversations with your child. Ask them about the high and low points of their college experience—what they’re most excited about and most nervous for.

Their answers will tell you a lot about their passions, values, and perspectives. Over the years, you’ve observed their God-given personality and strengths. You’ve raised them, prayed for them, and seen them grow up into a young adult. As the two of you talk, you may catch a glimpse of how God plans to use their unique talents (Ephesians 2:10).

2. Identify and affirm the ways you’ve seen them grow.

When your college kid comes home for Christmas break, it will feel natural to pick up where you left off—for better or worse. Assume the best of your child rather than expecting them to be the same “kid” they were when they left. They’ve had opportunities to work on old habits and adopt new responsibilities. Without entirely surrendering old expectations, allow them space to voluntarily take out the trash or clean up after themselves.

You can encourage growth in your child by identifying ways they’ve already grown in the last few months. Lavish them with specific examples. Focus on the positive aspects of who they’ve become rather than their past behaviors.

3. Have open conversations about differences in faith and values.

According to Lifeway Research, 66% of college students will drop out of the church for at least a year. This hard reality makes gospel conversations especially important within the family context.

While it can sometimes be painful to discuss differences in faith and values, it’s important for you to create a safe space for your student to share their perspective and ask questions.

Use open-ended questions, like, “What are your thoughts on ___?” “I can see you’re passionate about ___. Tell me more about that.” Practice reflective listening, paraphrasing what you heard them say. To enhance your empathy, think back to your own moments of doubt and questioning before sharing your perspective.

It’s important to share gospel truths with your child—both the brokenness of humanity and redemption of Christ. Whether you’re telling them for the first or the hundredth time, you can trust God’s Word to work.

When all is said and done, you want your kid to remember you love them. Pray for discernment as you answer their questions. Ask God to work in their hearts and to surround them with a godly community.

4. Help them balance time with friends and family.

Your student likely has a lot of expectations for break. It can be overwhelming for them to choose who to give their time to. You can help by letting them know ahead of time which family events you’d like them to attend and showing grace when they have a schedule conflict.

Now that your child is older, you can invest in them as a friend as well. While we will always respect them as Mom and Dad, my brother and I are able to spend time with our parents doing activities we all enjoy, such as playing card games or walking in the woods together. These moments tend to draw out our parents’ stories from when they were our age.

Whether your college kid is at home for Christmas break enjoying time with the family or out catching up with friends, know that you are still important to them. Don’t be afraid to ask for some of their time, but also respect their need to invest in friendships.

5. Reassure them they don’t need their entire life planned out.

Whether it be about prospective jobs or romantic interests, family and friends commonly inquire about college students’ future plans. It’s their way of celebrating the student’s next steps. But for those of us who are overachievers, we can feel like we need to have our whole lives planned out.

This is where God can use you to speak into your child’s life. The words, “I’m proud of you” sound the sweetest coming from a parent. You’ve been in the awkward limbo of young-adult life before and have come out on the other side. Share about a time when you saw God work providentially through the uncertainties of your life (Proverbs 3:5-6).

During the Thanksgiving break of my senior year, I pressured myself to decide about a master’s degree. My parents cheered me on and helped me think through every daunting life decision while sharing how God guided them at my age. The wisdom and reassurance of a parent is more powerful than you might think. 

So, when Your College Kid Comes Home for Christmas Break…

Do your best to make yourself available, celebrate their growth, and lovingly share the truth. Help them balance family and friend time and remind them they don’t have to figure everything out right away. Heat up a couple mugs of hot chocolate, put on your favorite Christmas movie, and let the bonding begin!

Copyright © 2022 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Alex McMurray is a content writer for FamilyLife at Cru headquarters in Orlando. She graduated from Cedarville University with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a concentration in child and family studies. She grew up in Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania with her parents and older brother. In her free time, she enjoys having deep conversations over coffee, playing board games, and adventuring outdoors.

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Sadness during the holidays: It’s real. But, author Bob Lepine proposes, there’s also real hope and answers when we’re stressed & depressed at Christmas.
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Are joy and peace a far cry from your holiday? What if you’re even angry, or sad? Author Bob Lepine talks about handling all the feels at Christmas.

 
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Have the kids already started chiming, “How many more days until Christmas?!” Help your family savor the season with these 25 ways to spend quality time as a family with this Christmas countdown.

Each day, we’ve provided one simple activity (like Scripture readings, snacks, or crafts from things you already have on hand) that can be done with minimal planning, even in all the Christmas chaos. Because adding a little sparkle to Christmas shouldn’t require a sleighful of energy.

A Christmas countdown the whole family can enjoy

25. Snowball fight!

Round up the family and kick off the month with this Christmas classic. You can play teams and allow time to construct forts or play “everyone for themselves.” If you don’t have snow, provide everyone a pile of rolled up socks and play indoors.

24. At dinner, read Luke 2:1-3 before praying.  

Explain that throughout the month you’ll be reading verses from Luke 2 and talking about the story of Jesus as a family. Be prepared to answer any questions that pop up!

“In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration when Quirinius was governor of Syria. And all went to be registered, each to his own town” (Luke 2:1-3).

23. Deck the Doors!

Help your kids decorate their bedroom doors for Christmas with wrapping paper, bows, construction paper, and double-sided tape.

22. Have an ugly Christmas-sweater fashion show.

Shop for ugly Christmas sweaters or make your own with some hot glue and leftover Christmas decorations. Queue up the Christmas tunes and show off your stylish new look. Couples, this is your chance to make each other’s sweaters for some extra laughs!

21. At dinner, read Luke 2:4-5 before praying.

If they can, ask your oldest child to read today’s verse.

“And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child” (Luke 2:4-5).

20. Snap a family Christmas-card photo.

Whether photos were snapped at a studio or in your living room, Christmas cards are a sweet way to capture the moments of Christmas. For some extra fun, give everyone a chance to express themselves with a fun pair of Christmas socks. 

19. Craft simple but meaningful ornaments together.

Use a marker to write your favorite Bible verse reference on a clear ornament. Line the inside of the ornament with a thin layer of glue and shake to distribute it evenly. Next, fill the ornament with your favorite color of glitter, screw on the top of the ornament, and shake to spread the sparkle.

18. At dinner, read Luke 2:6-7 before praying.

“And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn” (Luke 2:6-7).

17. Make slow-cooker hot chocolate with fun toppings!

This warm treat is perfect for a cozy, low-energy night. Simply pour your ingredients in the slow cooker and cook on low for two hours. It’s best enjoyed in your PJs with a TV Christmas special. You can find a recipe here.

16. Build a “snowman” using common household items.

It’s time for a creative challenge. Set a 10-minute timer and have the kids gather items around the house that could be used to build a snowman (fluffy socks, cotton balls, paper plates, play dough, etc.). When they come back, have them each put together their own snowman masterpiece, complete with button eyes and a carrot nose.

15. Made with care.

Make a batch of your favorite Christmas treats and drop them off on the doorstep of your pastor or a family friend.

14. Before dinner, ask someone to read Luke 2:8-9 and pray.

“And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear” (Luke 2:8-9).

13. Shop for Christmas donations to bring to a local shelter.

Many shelters post their wish list online to share what donations are most needed. Research and pray about what type of shelter would be most impactful for your kids to pick donations for. Choose a couple from the list as options for the kids to pick out.

12. Go ice skating as a family.

Maybe ice skating is intimidating for you, or maybe you’re one step away from pro-figure-skater status. Either way, this is a zero-pressure adventure. Take it slow during free-skate time or even take lessons as a family. Ice skating is a great way to burn off your kiddos’ energy during the cold winter months.

11. As a family, aim to commit Luke 2:10-11 to memory this week.

“And the angel said to them, ‘Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord’” (Luke 2:10-11).

10. Build a blanket fort and watch a Christmas movie.

This can be as simple or elaborate as you’d like. You can throw some blankets over the couch and prop them up with chairs or channel your inner architect and build the world’s coziest fortress. Use your imagination or recruit one of your older kids to plan the setup. If you don’t have a go-to Christmas movie, consider writing down some options and pulling one from a hat.

9. Make Christmas cards to drop off at a nursing home.

Set up the table with markers, construction paper, stickers, etc. Explain that these cards can help spread the love of Jesus and cheer up residents at the nursing home. This would be a great group activity to do with your friends and their children.

8. Before dinner, ask someone to read Luke 2:12-14 and pray.

“‘And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!’” (Luke 2:12-14).

7. At dinner, ask your kids what Christmas means to them and why.

This is a great way to start a conversation about what’s most important at Christmas. Be sure to recognize that enjoying gifts and fun activities at Christmas are good blessings that remind us of a good God. We give gifts to show we love each other and to remember the gift God gave us by sending Jesus to be our Savior.

6. Before dinner, read Luke 2:15-16 and pray.

“When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, ‘Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.’ And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger” (Luke 2:15-16).

While you eat, discuss why the shepherds hurried to meet baby Jesus.

5. Baking and bonding.

Teach your kids a family Christmas-cookie recipe or learn a new one together!

4. Drive through a Christmas-lights display.

Find a park that offers a free drive-through Christmas lights display. On your drive there, play Christmas music and/or have a singalong. If you live someplace warm, you could alternatively walk through a neighborhood that has lots of lights on display.

3. Before dinner, have someone read Luke 2:17-19 and pray.

“And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:17-19).

Talk about what it might have meant for Mary to be chosen as Jesus’ mom.

2. Play Christmas charades.

Give everyone three slips of paper and have them write down three people, places, or things related to Christmas. Movies and songs can be a great option here! Mix them up in a bowl and choose teams or play charades all together.

1. Read Luke 2:20-21 as a family.

“And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them. And at the end of eight days . . . he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb” (Luke 2:20-21).

Explain that these verses remind us that the world had been waiting for a Savior, so Christmas is a time to celebrate the miracle of Jesus coming to Earth from Heaven.

To make this fun Christmas Countdown even easier, we’ve gathered all these ideas into a paper chain you can print, cut, and let the kids put together! Get yours here.

Copyright © 2022 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Alex McMurray is a content writer for FamilyLife at Cru headquarters in Orlando. She graduated from Cedarville University with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a concentration in child and family studies. She grew up in Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania with her parents and older brother. In her free time, she enjoys having deep conversations over coffee, playing board games, and adventuring outdoors.

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