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Before we got married, it seemed like everyone had a bit of advice to offer. While some of it bordered on the ridiculous, the most common phrase I heard was, “Marriage communication is key.” 

I loved this answer. My bride-to-be and I routinely spent hours talking on the phone; neither of us wanted to be the first to say goodnight. Obviously, we were experts in communication. If that was the key, I was sure we’d be alright. 

After the wedding, it wasn’t as though we suddenly stopped talking to each other, but our new life brought new topics. Conversations once filled with hopes and dreams for the future morphed into discussions about schedules, bills, and dinner plans. Physically, we were together more than ever. Yet a few months into our marriage, I remember feeling a little cheated—We connected more before we married! What happened?

Marriage communication: But we talk all the time!

If you were to count the number of words we spoke to each other before marriage versus after, post-marriage would win. We “talked” all the time. Our problem wasn’t that we weren’t talking; it was what we were talking about.

Our conversations had descended into an endless stream of status reports. Information was exchanged, but there was no depth, no increase in intimacy. Our marriage communication became shallow and so was our relationship. If we were going to improve, we needed to recognize that all communication is NOT created equal. Our conversations needed to be deeper.

Here are four things we learned.

1. Deal with the fear.

There was one topic we knew would generate deep conversations. But it also had the potential to destroy the relative peace we were experiencing: What church would we attend?

My wife grew up deeply Catholic. I was passionately Protestant. We had come to a theoretical understanding of what we would do before we got married, but now we needed to find a church we could both be happy with. Every time we tried to talk about it, the conversation would devolve and we’d reach a stalemate. So instead, we talked about everything except for the one thing that was most on our minds.

Some conversations bring up deep convictions and emotions. Others are drenched in history from our families of origin and force us to challenge long-held assumptions and expectations. Whatever the case, we learn over time that to keep the peace, some topics need to be avoided.

But couples that have peace without intimacy are nothing more than roommates. If we want to improve marriage communication, we need to have the courage to talk about more than schedules, bills, or the kids. We must dare to discuss the “off limits” topics.

We adopted this rule: If it is important enough to think about, it’s important enough to talk about. True, the conversation might not be pleasant, but intimacy requires that we share what’s really going on inside of us.

2. Find the right time.

Another way we tend to avoid deep conversations is through activity. The busier we are, the easier it is to avoid certain topics. It is amazing how productive we can be when we’re trying to avoid something. Working, studying, cleaning, traveling, or babysitting for a friend are all good things. But good things can become bad things when they keep you from the most important things.

About six months into our marriage, no amount of distractions could keep us from the realization that we hadn’t yet gone to church. We were both used to going every week and now … nothing.

My wife was the first to bring up the elephant in the room. “We can’t keep going on like this. We need to find a church.” 

Thankfully, she found the right time to tell me—in private, when the TV was off and we could give the topic the attention it deserved. Often, delicate conversations fail, not because of malice or bad intentions, but simply because we chose a bad time. If you need to have a deep conversation, eliminate as many distractions as possible and make sure you are both well rested. Starting a conversation after your spouse’s head has hit the pillow generally won’t go well.

3. Don’t try to win.

Our natural tendency in situations like these is to try to prove why our way is right and the other person’s is wrong. Whether we’re the type to argue with logic, emotions, or such a long stream of words that our opponent gives in from pure exhaustion, the result is the same. If you do manage to win, it means your spouse lost.

We couldn’t go on the way we were. But how could we find a church we were both okay with? You can’t compromise when it comes to your beliefs. Either we found a way to both win, or we’d both lose.

We spent hours talking through the kind of church we each hoped we could find. We didn’t try to convince each other of anything. Our guiding thought was, “I love you, and if I can better understand why this is important to you, it might become more important to me too. Tell me more. Help me understand.”

Good marriage communication means you fight the problem, not each other.

4. Find your core needs.

Sometimes we don’t even know why we want what we want. So trying to explain it to someone else feels impossible. We get so caught up on surface issues that we lose sight of what’s important. But good marriage communication begins with knowing what it is you want to communicate. Exploring your “whys” not only helps your spouse understand you, but it helps you understand yourself.

Our conversation started at such a high level that we didn’t understand what we were even fighting for. Catholic versus Protestant was too broad. What about each did we really care about? Was it the theology, liturgy, community, or just the architecture of the buildings? What were the areas we agreed? 

It was also important for us not to try and communicate every single desire in one sitting. What we wanted was made up of a complex mixture of theological convictions, familial expectations, and personal habits and preferences. In the end, much of what we initially thought was important turned out to be nonessential, and we agreed on a lot more than we thought we could. Once we had a better idea of what was important to us individually, we defined what was important to us as a couple and moved forward as a team. We then made a list of potential churches and started the visiting process. 

Marriage communication is key

After a few months of visiting churches, we landed on one we could both call home. Those initial conversations were hard, but I’m thankful we had them. It helped us know that no conversation needs to be off-limits. If we deal with our fear, take care to understand our needs, find the right time, and fight the problem instead of each other, we can talk about anything just like we did when we were dating.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Orlando, Florida. You can learn more on their site, YourEverAfter.org.

The post 4 Ways To Improve Marriage Communication appeared first on FamilyLife®.

If you avoid what’s beneath your marital conflict…it’ll probably keep happening. Former FamilyLife Today cohost Bob Lepine helps you get to what gets you.
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Grab Bob’s book, Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, from New Growth Press’ Ask a Christian Counselor Series.
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Fed up with your spouse? Author Bob Lepine helps you trade blame, dissatisfaction, and disappointment for a stronger, richer, and more rewarding marriage.
Show Notes and Resources

Grab Bob’s book, Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, from New Growth Press’ Ask a Christian Counselor Series.
And with any donation this week, receive recent FamilyLife Today guest Rachel Faulkner-Brown’s 30-day devotional, His Name: Our Hope in Grief.
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The post A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One: Bob Lepine appeared first on FamilyLife®.

Parents who are alienated from their children due to the behavior of a former spouse face devastating loss. But there is hope for redemption! Listen to Ron Deal’s conversation with Dr. Richard Marks on how Marks re-connected with his mother as an adult and has enjoyed a healthy, thriving relationship with her for 30 years.
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Ready to dip into more from the FamilyLife podcast network? Don’t miss all-star samples touching on topics from same-sex attraction to nagging in marriage.
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What does it mean to work smarter, not harder? How do we apply that to our relationships and why is it important? Listen to Ron Deal and Gayla Grace talk about unique blended family dynamics and the value of strategic and intentional behavior as we build relationships.
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On a recent anniversary date with my husband, I filled him in on upcoming appointments and activities for the kids. He filled me in on when he’d be out of town the following month, and we talked about a couple of work projects we were each doing. Then … silence.

It continued as he paid the tab and we headed to a movie, complete with popcorn and two action-packed hours we didn’t have to fill with small talk.

In our weak defense, our house had just recovered from two weeks of illness, health concerns over parents, back-to-school insanity, and it being nearly two months since we’d enjoyed a meal or cup of coffee together without TV or the chatter of an energetic 9-year-old. Surely this lack of emotional or mental depth to our conversation didn’t speak volumes of the state of our relationship.

Or did it?

Conversation: a relational necessity

Alone time with your partner might not come easy. You’ve got kids that can’t seem to function without your constant direction, a demanding job that pushes past the 9-5, aging parents to care for, church events and Bible studies, or maybe just more volunteer opportunities than hours in the day. (I mean, who can say no to building shelters for the homeless, organizing coat closets, and reversing climate change through hosting a six-course dinner fundraiser? Not you.)

But more often than not, the less time you spend together the harder conversation can be. Sounds counterintuitive, right? Whoever said “absence makes the heart grow fonder” clearly wasn’t happily married. Instead of opening the doors to communication, a lack of time together actually slams them closed and locks ‘em on the way out. Why? Because when you no longer feel connected, you aren’t able to enjoy that level of trust and intimacy to get you past surface-level convos with your spouse.

Or maybe you’re both just so exhausted from life you can’t muster the energy for anything past immediate needs—coffee, food, sleep. We’ve been there, too. Frequently. But connection requires communication. So when the words won’t come, how do we nourish that relational necessity? Try these 25 questions to ask your spouse to go a little deeper. Store ‘em in your phone, nightstand, or that kitchen drawer where you throw literally everything else.

25 questions to ask your spouse

1. What was a high point for you this week? A low point?

2. What’s one dream you have for our family?

3. What do you wish we could do more of together as a couple?

4. How can I pray for you during this season of life?

5. Tell me one way I can better support you in the load you’re carrying right now?

6. Do you have a childhood dream you still hope to accomplish?

7. If you could take a class to learn anything, what would it be?

8. Outside of work, what is the biggest stressor in your life right now?

9. Is there anything I can take off your plate to make life a little easier for you?

10. What is your favorite memory of us?

11. What changes would you like to see in your life five years from now? Ten years?

12. What is your favorite thing to do to relieve stress?

13. If we could plan a weekend away, where would you want us to go?

14. What do I do that makes you feel loved?

15. In what area could I love you better?

16. In this season of life, what sounds like a reasonable amount of alone time for us (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly)?

17. What is your happiest memory from childhood?

18. What is one thing you wish more people knew about you?

19. If you could pick one area of your character to grow in, what would it be?

20. When have you felt closest to God?

21. What is the best piece of advice someone ever gave you?

22. What are two things that make you feel happy?

23. What are three things you would include on your bucket list?

24. If you could give teenage you one piece of advice, what would it be?

25. What is one thing you’re grateful for in this season of life?

Diving deeper

We’ve used dinner-table conversation starters with our kids for years, so I was surprised to feel a little weird using these questions to ask your spouse. But we actually only needed one or two before conversation took off on its own. I was able to hear some important things on his heart, and we both were able to talk about what we needed/wanted in a judgment-free zone. It definitely beat our previous date-night talk of overbooked schedules and work projects.

Don’t get me wrong. Those things matter. But if you really want to make the most of that precious one-on-one time with your love, dive a little deeper. Under the surface, you might just realize all over again what a treasure our spouse is.

Copyright © 2022 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Lisa Lakey is the managing editor of digital content for FamilyLife. Before joining the ministry in 2017, she was a freelance writer covering parenting and Southern culture. She and her husband, Josh, have been married since 2004. Lisa and Josh live in Benton, Arkansas, with their two children, Ella and Max.

The post When Conversation Gets Stuck: 25 Questions To Ask Your Spouse appeared first on FamilyLife®.

Anger with your spouse can be real! FamilyLife President David Robbins & wife Meg describe their power source and strategies on how to deal with conflict.

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No one feels prepared for raising teens. But you can do this! Author Gary Chapman reveals What I wish I’d known and ways to redefine your relationship.

 
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