How to Ruin Your Sex Life in 10 Easy Steps
Your sex life can be uncomfortable for married couples to talk about. Quite frankly, it’s uncomfortable to write about as well!
But haven’t you found that the hard-to-talk-about stuff is what really needs discussion?
In our current culture, there’s a lot of conversation centered on having a “great” sex life. Pick up any copy of Cosmopolitan, GQ, or similar magazines, and you can read all the different ways you could be having sex, where you should be having sex, and even more ways to “spice up” your sex life. (I’m not even sure everything they mention is legal in all 50 states.)
But one thing these articles rarely touch on is how easy it is to ruin your sex life.
It’s true. While we have to put some effort into maintaining a great married sex life (or even a good one), it takes little energy, time, or even thought to take your bedroom romps from great to nonexistent.
In fact, you could be ruining your sexual intimacy right now and have no idea. Scary, huh?
How to ruin your sex life
Here are 10 easy ways to ruin your sex life. No crazy tricks, literally zero effort required. And please, feel free to embrace the sarcasm.
1. Let the kids sleep in the middle.
Not just during the occasional thunderstorm. I mean any time those sweet little faces want to snuggle up with mom and dad for the night.
Besides, you did purchase the king-size bed. You’ll find a time/place for sex later. You said “I do” forever, but the kids are only little for so long, right?
2. Forget foreplay.
You’ve already given her the look. The one that says with no uncertainty that it’s time to head to the bedroom.
Yes, she was in the middle of washing the dishes, but you’re ready to go. Your spouse should be, too. Isn’t that foreplay? Besides, it’s already 10:30 p.m. and the alarm’s set for 5 a.m. Who has time for this?
3. Prioritize your hobbies above your spouse (and your sex life).
After all the hours you put in at work (or home with the kids), you deserve time to yourself on the weekends. You’re not saying video games/golf/girls night is more important than time with your spouse, it’s just more relaxing. And you need regular time doing these things to be a better partner, anyway.
4. Don’t engage in conversation with your spouse.
It’s been a long day, and it takes too much energy to engage in lengthy discussion. Please, can we just relax and turn the TV on already? Better yet, escape into social media. Knowing what’s going on in everyone else’s lives helps distract you from your own.
5. Use pornography.
At least you aren’t having an actual affair. Sometimes pornography even helps get you in the mood, right? At least that’s what you’ve heard.
If videos aren’t your thing, ladies, grab the latest copy of one of the Shades of Grey books. Word porn works well to rev up your sex life, too. I think…
6. Fantasize about someone else.
He’ll never know you’re really thinking about Justin Timberlake. Unless you accidentally say his name. (Make a mental note about that.)
Fellas, as long as you don’t tell your wife you’re thinking about the waitress from the other night, no harm done. Surely, all these fantasies are a harmless way to escape the issues at home. Again, at least you aren’t having an affair.
7. Flirt openly.
With anyone other than your spouse, that is. But it’s not really flirting if you have no intentions to actually have an affair, right? It’s fun and harmless. Besides, it feels good to know someone thinks you’re witty and interesting.
8. Criticize or nag your spouse.
Seriously, what does she do all day? Not laundry, apparently. She always asks what you’re thinking, so tell her.
And you’ve repeatedly told him you need some help around the house. So it should be no surprise you just yelled “Help me!” at him for the fifth time today.
9. Don’t take on your spouse’s burdens.
Sure, they might be overwhelmed, depressed, or stressed out—so much that maybe even your sex life is suffering. So are you. You have plenty on your own plate, thank you very much.
10. Don’t talk about your sexual relationship.
Ever. It’s awkward. Some things are just best left unsaid. As long as you’re having sex sometimes you’re doing okay, right?
Right?
Obviously we don’t actually recommend doing anything to ruin your sexual intimacy in marriage. So be sure to read “10 Surprisingly Effective Ways to Improve Your Sex Life.”
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