Snuggled up on the sofa with my son, I shared the kind words my coworkers had spoken during an encouragement activity earlier that day. After listening to their assessment of my character, my typically encouraging son looked up at me skeptically and declared half of them were true.  

I laughed at his frank assessment and had to admit he was right. His response was as amusing as it was sobering. 

Since then, I’ve been asking myself, “Who gets my best?” I don’t always like the answer. As a widowed single mom, it’s easier to bring my best self to work than to sustain those positive attributes at home. Unfortunately, my son often gets my leftover emotional scraps after I’ve poured my energy out on others.  

Doing it all … poorly

Two years ago, changed circumstances forced me into the role of single mom. I hadn’t planned to work full time while my son was young, but suddenly it was necessary. I felt guilty I couldn’t be there for him as I had been in years past. To make matters worse, he couldn’t understand why he was getting less of my time and attention.

So I tried to minimize the impact of my work on our home life. I set out to be “Super Mom” and do it all, afraid to fail at work or at home. Even though I was now carrying the full load for our family, I tried to keep things the same as when I shared the load with my husband. I tried making every dinner from scratch instead of allowing myself to heat up some cans of soup. I said no when others offered to drive him to or from school to help me out. And I wouldn’t allow myself a mental break—even when I was coasting on fumes—insisting on “meaningful” conversations every night at dinner instead of watching a show together.

It only took two months for me to crash and burn. No matter how early I woke up in the morning or how late I pushed myself to stay up at night, I could not keep up with the demands at home and at work. Trying to live up to my old standards was exhausting as a single mom. I was frazzled and stressed. I had no patience for my son and very little capacity to handle any difficult situations or emotions. My fuse was short, and I quickly fell over the edge of impatience into anger. 

Every time I blew up and had to issue yet another apology to my son, I would vow to do better—find the ever elusive work-life balance—but I never did. I had no choice but to work, and there was no end to my responsibilities at home. I knew something had to change, but what?

Underneath it all

After many times through this cycle of determination and failure, I realized the problem wasn’t just my over-packed schedule and endless to-do list; it was my heart. Without realizing it, I had turned work into a place to find my value and worth, not just a way to provide for my family.  

It was an easy trap to fall into. Parenting is exhausting, and it’s only amplified when you’re doing it alone. The continuous outpouring of energy and unseen sacrifices into an often thankless job is draining. But our identity is shaky when it’s contingent on our performance at work or at home. The security and sense of self-worth we long for cannot be found in either of these things. We were made for so much more. We were made to have a secure identity, deeply rooted in God’s love for us. 

As mothers, we love our children simply because they are ours. They don’t have to earn our love, buy our love, or perform for our love. Yet, even our motherly love is imperfect, and we don’t always love our children as we should. But God’s love is not fickle and conditional like ours. His love is perfect and secure. “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are” (1 John 3:1).  His love for us has never been based on our performance.

Our boss or coworkers might reject us when we fail to meet expectations, but God never will. Our children might respond to our best efforts with disrespect and anger, but God always responds with grace. His love is the firm foundation we can rest our identity on.  

Finding Freedom

I’m realizing the only way to live a more balanced life is to find my sense of value in God’s love for me, not in my accomplishments at home or at work. When I do this, I can serve at work and home, not to find my identity, but to take care of the people I love most. I don’t have to fear failure or try to be “Super Mom.” I can just be me.

While I haven’t found the magic ingredient to a balanced home-work life as a single mom, I have learned to ask myself a few questions to gauge what’s happening in my heart:

1. Am I using work responsibilities to escape difficult parenting responsibilities?
2. How do I feel about myself when I don’t live up to my own or others’ expectations of me?
3. Are the things in my schedule that take away from time with my child nonnegotiable? Or could I ask for an exception?
4. Is there a role, promotion, or project I could delay until my child is more independent?
5. What simple changes can I make to show my child he is most important to me? 

As single moms, we might never find the perfect work-life balance, but we can find freedom. When we rest in God’s love for us, we can be free from the burden of trying to do it all. Let’s be faithful to love and care for our families at home and at work. Our identity doesn’t rest in our performance. And that, my friend, is good news indeed! 

Copyright © 2023 by Elise Boros. All rights reserved.

Elise Boros lives outside of Washington, D.C. and spends her days raising her son and investing in the lives of college students through the campus ministry of Cru.  As a young widow, she is passionate about helping other people walk with God through grief and sorrow in an authentic way.  Elise blogs monthly as part of the content team for Songs in the Night, a widow discipleship ministry.  You can read about her and her husband’s journey through and beyond heart transplant at Waiting For True Life or follow along as she tells their story on instagram @waitingfortruelife.

The post To the Single Mom: You Don’t Have To Do It All appeared first on FamilyLife®.

My children were just babies when my husband, David, was killed in a head-on collision. Ben had just turned 2, and Katherine was only 3 months old.

I was worried sick about how the lack of a father would affect them, mainly because of all the articles and research I read about the importance of having a father. But there was also a more personal reason for my fears. David’s father was also killed in a car accident when David was 2, and he and his baby sister were raised by their widowed mother who never remarried.

Just a few days before David died, we had a conversation in which he made me promise that if anything ever happened to him, I would get married again. He wanted his kids to have a father even if it wasn’t him.

After taking a year to grieve, to honor David’s wishes I began a man hunt to find just the right person for my kids. David’s mother and sister were also aware of David’s wishes, and they did their best to find a suitable man for the job. Over the course of three years, they set me up with four or five different guys who didn’t work out.

It was all I thought about. Every time my children went through a difficult phase I worried that it was a result of their fatherless existence. I wondered how this lack of male role model affected their confidence, stability, and self-discipline.

I grieved for Katherine, who never really knew David, and I grieved for Ben, who seemed to need him so badly. I shed tears day and night, praying desperately that God would honor David’s request and bring a loving father to his little babies.

God, the perfect Father

One night I was crying, asking God why He hadn’t yet given my children the father they needed, and He said to me, “Sabrina, I amtheir Father.”

It had never occurred to me that my children had all the father they needed. Actually, they had the perfectFather. He was the best role model they could have, and the only one who could love them with a perfect love. All I had to do was point my children to God for their needs.

I immediately recalled the story of the people of Israel when they called out to the prophet Samuel that they wanted a king. To this point, the people had been ruled by God using whatever judge He chose. But the people cried out, “No! But there shall be a king over us, that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles” (1 Samuel 8:19).

Samuel tried to tell the people that Jehovah was all they needed, but in God’s patient mercy, He told Samuel, “Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them” (1 Samuel 8:7).

The truth is that even though an earthly father is a good thing, just as David’s reign as king was good, we must not believe that the health of our children is in a man’s hands. Those kids belong to God … He is the best father they could possibly have.

A man won’t solve all your problems—even the right kind of man. No matter how great a guy is, he’s going to be flawed. He’s going to annoy you and disappoint you from time to time, but our Father God will never disappoint you. His ways are always perfect.

Focus on God

There are many ways that children connect with a father as they find their place in a family, and a single mom is wise to pinpoint these different aspects and purposefully point the children to God to find fulfillment in these areas, whether or not she remarries.

Identity.

Your children carry a family name that belongs to their father. There’s a sense of identity there, but when their father is dead or estranged or even away from the children in a different household, they begin to wonder how to carry the name of a person they know very little or nothing about. The name can come to symbolize a child’s abandonment or his identity as a lost person, one who lives between two lives.

But when you show your children their identity in Christ and emphasize their place as God’s son or daughter, then they don’t need to be concerned with how their name fits in, because they can look to their father God for their family ties. In Revelation 3:12 Jesus says, “The one who conquers… I will write on him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God out of heaven, and my own new name.”

As believers, we are given the name of God! In the end, we will all belong to one family name—God’s family.

Acceptance.

Children need love from a father—the unconditional love that shows familial pride. Every child needs to feel accepted by his father, knowing that no matter how badly he messes up, he will always be loved.

When there is no father to show this kind of love, children can feel unstable, like a wanderer with no place to call home. As a single mom you must show your children God’s unconditional love. Read them Scriptures about the love and mercy of God. Read them the story of the prodigal son. Show them that Jesus died so there could be this kind of love from God.

Belonging.

Children know from the day they are born that home is where they belong—this is the family, which is different from friends, as loving as they are, and strangers.

In the same way, a Christian’s family is the church—God’s family. Remind your children that they belong in the family of God. They can find mentors and teachers; they can find compassion and comradery. There are men in the church who can show them how a godly man’s life is lived out, something they need to see with their own eyes. And if you don’t show them through the men in the church, your children will learn from movies and the internet.

Legacy.

There are certain ideas passed down by a father that a mother simply cannot teach. Mothers have a different type of legacy to leave that the children will pass down to their children, but the father’s legacy to his children is unique. For example, boys learn how a man treats other men and women, and a girl learns how a woman should be treated by a man.

When you teach your children to embrace their legacy from God, they look to His behaviors and worldview. They look to God’s Word and mirror His Son, Jesus. And when you emphasize the importance of their responsibility to uphold those family legacies, they will learn to pass that down to their children.

The wise single mom looks to God, not a mortal man, to fix her problems and be the answer for her kids. Your kids simply need you to point them to the One who can reach into their souls, heal their broken hearts, and love them unconditionally, and that’s Jesus Christ. He will never leave them nor forsake them, no matter how their earthly father is, and He’ll be there for them forever and ever.

Copyright © 2016 by Sabrina Beasley McDonald. Used with permission.

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Sometimes kids say it best. When asked what she wishes her mom would do differently while dating, Rachel, a smart young graduate student, replied, “I wish she would recognize her own impulsivity and emotional rollercoaster. She does and says things without recognizing that to some extent our whole family is dating this guy. This year I came home four times from college and he was in town every single time. After I went back to campus each time Mom said, ‘I never get to see you!’ Yes, well, that’s because you were with your boy.”

Dating for two is difficult; dating in a crowd is downright complicated. The kids are engaged, at least on some level, even when you don’t think they are. And everyone has strong emotions and opinions about who is involved and what the outcome might be. In other words, the whole family is dating. Table for 20!

Here are a number of dating “best practices” for single parents:

1. Realize that you’re not just forming a relationship; you’re creating a family. When kids predate dating, the couple’s relationship inherently creates competing attachments. The choice to be with the dating partner or children generally means the other is left waiting … and wondering how their relationship with you is being influenced by your relationship with the other.

In addition, children commonly feel some insecurity by mom or dad’s relationship with another person. Wise singles recognize this important dynamic and don’t assume that becoming a couple necessarily means that they can become a family. They attend to both and take time assessing how the potential stepfamily relationships are developing.

2. Avoid a quick turn-around. Parents who begin dating quickly after the end of a relationship (whether by death or divorce) or who reach a quick decision to marry after a brief dating period often find their children more resistant to the marriage. This sabotages the ability of a stepparent and stepchild to get off on the right foot with one another and puts the family at risk.

3. Healthy dating begins with self-examination. Smart singles take a good long look in the mirror before dating. They examine their motivations for dating, fears (e.g., their children not having a father), loneliness, and unresolved hurt (e.g., after divorce). How do you know when you’re ready to date? When you don’t need to.

4. Engage in “What if?” conversations. Even before dating, single parents begin a series of conversations with their children that ask, “What if I began dating? How would you feel?” Periodically, they engage the conversation again and again: “What if Sara and I began dating regularly?” “What if John’s kids came over every Friday through the summer?” “What if she and I were to get engaged?”

Each dialogue is both assessment (How are my kids feeling about these possibilities and realities?) and intervention as it prepares them for what might happen. Smart single parents don’t let their children’s emotions dictate their dating progress, but they do listen and give serious consideration to how the children are feeling (becoming a couple is up to you; whether you become a family is up to them). Engage in these conversations throughout your dating experience, especially in anticipation of each stage of a developing relationship.

5. Offer soft invitations to older children.  Teens and adult children need to move toward your dating partner at their own pace. If you make it your agenda to get them to accept your partner and relationship, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.

Instead, make opportunities for them to get to know each other, but don’t force it. Soft invitations such as, “Roger will be having dinner with me on Saturday. You are welcome to join us if you’d like.” Show respect and allow relationships to develop at their own pace.

6. Acknowledge and label child fears. Children of all ages, young to old, benefit when a parent says, “I can see that the idea of my dating scares you. You are missing Mom/our family/etc. and probably don’t want any more changes to our family. I get it. I appreciate your being honest with me.”

Use phrases like “this scares you,” “you’re afraid that our family won’t be the same,” or “you don’t want to have to change schools or leave your friends.” This type of response validates the child’s fears. It also shows them their feelings are important to you, keeps the communication door open, and helps children put labels on their own emotions (which is very important for young children especially).

7. Pace and balance your dating. If you fall in love don’t abandon your kids by spending all of your free time with your newfound love. It’s tempting, but doing so taps your child’s fears that they are losing you and gives the false impression to your dating partner that you are totally available to them. You’re not. Don’t lose your balance.

8. Arrange the “meeting the kids” time with care.  Early on your kids may meet your date, but the first few dates should primarily be about the two of you. At first reference your date as “a friend” or if your kids are prepared, call them your “date.” Casual introductions are fine when you start dating someone, but don’t proactively put your kids and the person together until you are pretty sure there are real possibilities for the relationship. This is especially true for children under the age of five, who can bond to someone you are dating more quickly than you can.

As your interest in the person grows, gradually become more intentional about finding time for your significant other and your kids to get together. Tread lightly at first and continue to monitor and process everyone’s fears or concerns. If the other person has children as well, it might be wise to orchestrate early get-togethers with just one set of children.

You might, for example, engage in an activity with your friend and their children one weekend and then have your friend join you and your kids the next. Navigating multiple new relationships can be overwhelming. Breaking the two families into parts can be helpful initially. Eventually, though, assuming your dating relationship continues to deepen, you’ll want to get everyone together for a shared activity.

9. Expect hot/cold reactions. Liking a parent’s dating partner sometimes creates a loyalty problem for kids: They don’t know how to embrace everyone and not hurt feelings (especially the other biological parent). Because they are caught in a loyalty conflict, children sometimes warm up nicely to the person you are dating and then turn cold. Sometimes they vacillate back and forth. Don’t panic or judge the children too harshly. Confusion comes with the territory. Relax and work with what they give you.

10. Articulate your silhouette. Since you can’t judge lasting love by physical accoutrements or initial biochemical attractions, you need an objective measure of the qualities, attributes, and character of the person you are looking for. But you also need—and here’s where single parents fall short—a silhouette of the type of family you are hoping to create. If the person you are dating isn’t good parent material (with your kids or theirs), for example, you ought to move on. Yes, not liking the fit between the person you are dating and your kids is a deal breaker, even if you love him or her as a partner.

11. Learn all you can about stepfamily living. Nearly 20 years of counseling, coaching, and training blended families has revealed to me this secret of successful blended family couples: They work harder at getting smarter about stepfamily living.

Getting smarter means learning all you can about how stepfamilies function, operate best, and why they have the unique complexities that they do. You may know how to drive a car, but driving in snow and icy conditions requires a different knowledge and skill set. Nearly all blended families have inclement weather to manage as they drive (especially in the first few years), so adopt the attitude of a learner.

Copyright © 2017 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

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Don’t be surprised if you feel underprepared for stepfamily living. Don’t be surprised by growing stress and tension around how to blend. It’s not easy even in all-around healthy situations.

I often tell pastors that the key objective of stepfamily ministry is to get the newly formed family through the first few years. Surviving the “integration years” is really what you’re trying to do. On the surface that may not sound like much, but actually it’s rather significant. The first five to seven years are when everyone is adjusting to life together and becoming family, that is, learning first to like each other and then, perhaps, to love each other even as they are psychologically redefining their existing family to include new family members. This is a stressful process with many potholes and road hazards. Expect there to be a period of transitional stress for your home after the wedding.

Some may ask, “Ron, are you trying to scare us?” No, but I am trying to inform you that while good dating requires much work, more work will be needed after the wedding. Don’t relax your initiative; move instead into this next season of your relationship with as much drive as you’ve had up to now because, while the integration years may be stressful for many (not all) blended families, the rewards are worth the price.

I’m convinced that healthy stepfamilies are a redemptive work of God for both children and adults, but that’s a function of years of dedication, determination, and smart stepfamily living, not just good dating. Here are two core concepts to get you started.

1. Decide to put your spouse before your children.

In the digital era, it’s rare to receive a snail mail letter. One day I opened my mail and received this heartfelt petition addressed to me but, I think, written to you.

Dear Ron,

I don’t know why I’m writing this letter to you.

Unfortunately, four and a half years into a second marriage, I realized that I’ve always been in the #2 position behind my stepsons in my wife’s heart. I’ve heard and read how serious this is but did not fully understand until experience caught up with me. Now, with my stepsons determining how my wife interacts with them and with me (and my children alienated from me), I now see what a grave mistake I made.

Please continue to tell spouses that God designed marriage for them to be #1 in each other’s hearts, and that straying from this design will never, ever work. Of course, I’m not referring to a spouse who is abusive or following one who is contrary to Christ. I’m referring to the majority of spouses in stepfamilies who are doing their best but find themselves in second place, with their spouse deferring to and trusting the children rather than them.

I’m three to six months away from divorce at this point … I have always been #2 and after years of spiritual work and determined effort I’ve not been able to move to #1.

Respectfully,

Joe

Unfortunately, Joe encountered the Achilles’ heel of blended family integration—a biological parent who is unwilling to boldly move their spouse into a place of prominence in their heart and family. You simply will not bond or grow together in love if this dynamic is true in your marriage.

Joe referred to being #1 or #2. Talking about rank sometimes frightens biological parents because they think this means abandoning or neglecting their children. It unequivocally does not!

This isn’t about leaving anyone behind, but it is about prioritizing the marriage as a lifelong commitment and positioning the marriage as the parenting team and focal point for leadership in the home. Couples in first marriages raising their biological children do this, as well. Yes, they devote a great deal of time and energy to raising and nurturing their children, but the kids also know that Mom and Dad don’t hide things from each other, are deeply loyal to each other, and are a united team in leading the home. This understanding empowers the couple and provides stable leadership within the home.

Of course, in a biological family kids are as equally invested in their parents’ marriage as the couple is; that is, they want Mom and Dad to be loving and committed to each other. In a newly formed blended family, however, some children are threatened by the marriage and feel pushed aside by it. That means the first time Mom says, “I know I used to give you quick answers, but now I need to ask my husband what he thinks before making a decision,” they may challenge Mom’s effort to position the stepfather as a co-leader. And the first time she takes her husband’s side on an issue, they may hit the roof.

But she must do just that. If she does not, she tears the family’s Achilles’ heel.

However, if she does express and live out her commitment to her husband, she positions him and herself to parent from within the marriage. They must be a unified team or everything begins to crumble.

2. Adopt a Crockpot mindset.

Just because you’re engaged or newly married doesn’t mean you can accelerate your rocket to Passion Planet at light speed with the expectation that your children will also accelerate theirs. That would be trying to combine your stepfamily in a blender—quickly and with high velocity. It is far wiser to adopt a Crockpot pot cooking style—slowly with low heat.

The great paradox of adopting this approach to integrating your family ingredients is that it helps everyone relax about being family. No heavy pressure (which just invites resistance from kids). No upside-down “you need to take care of me by loving the people I’ve inserted into your life” burdensome messages from adults. No “forget your past, end your loyalties, and get happy now” crazy talk. Just calm “we respect your confusion and accept you anyway” patience and mature leadership. This, over time, paradoxically fosters openness and connection—just what you’re looking for.

Here are some contrasts to help you adopt a Crockpot strategy to family integration:

• A blender mentality assumes that because children are happy that you’re getting married, they won’t ever also feel confused and sad by it. A Crockpot mentality expects some “hitting the brakes” reactions from the children at some point (weddings commonly bring this on).
• A blender mentality forces children to call a stepfather “Daddy,” but a Crockpot mentality lets them decide on their own.
• A blender mentality expects everyone to be happy with the new family, but a Crockpot one finds calm when there’s tension, knowing that they’re not done “cooking” yet.
• A blender mentality expects that combining all holiday and other special-day traditions will make everyone pleased, but a Crockpot mentality says “try it and see,” knowing that it may take a few years to figure out what actually works.
• A blender mentality makes children take down pictures of loved ones, but a Crockpot one encourages honoring deceased family members and staying connected with extended family.
• A blender mentality assumes the adult children will “be mature about this,” but a Crockpot one gives them space to be hurt.
• A blender mentality declares, “I do so much for them—I should get more respect than this,” but a Crockpot one says, “I give freely to my stepchildren and trust that with time they’ll show gratitude.”
• A blender mentality says, “My kids should not have to be disappointed, so my new spouse will just have to deal with my catering to their pain,” but a Crockpot mentality says, “I can be loving to my kids and still allow them disappointment—besides, catering just keeps them stuck in their pain and doesn’t invite them to grow through it.”

If any of the above challenged your thinking or left a pit in your stomach, you’re catching on. Merging two families into one is not as simple as toasting bread. It’s more like discovering by trial and error a recipe for a casserole of ingredients you’ve never combined before. Getting smart about the process will help a great deal, but even then there are some things you’ll just have to discover with God’s help all on your own. Trust Him to show you how.

A final encouragement

You’re about to marry the wrong person. That doesn’t sound very encouraging, does it? Well, it really is. What is means is this: If you were perfect, you could pick and marry the right person. But since you’re not, you’ll pick the wrong person—who, of course, in God’s economy is the right person. That is, the right person to help God reveal what you didn’t know about your selfishness or frailties or limitations and to grow you beyond them.

Furthermore, God will use the journey of marriage and becoming a blended family to sharpen you, refine you, and teach you how to love with humility, sacrifice, and surrender, just as Christ has loved you. That is, God will do all these things if you will let Him.

I suggest you do.

Adapted from Dating and the Single Parent ©2012 by Ron L. Deal, published by Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group, www.bakerpublishinggroup.com. Used with permission.

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I had been an active member at my church since my oldest child was a baby. We’re all wired a little differently, and sitting in a church service has always left me feeling more connected to God. But the summer my husband left us, I couldn’t go.

I didn’t return for seven weeks. I wasn’t mad at God. In fact, He and my kids were the only reasons I got out of bed that summer. I trusted Him, and knew He had a plan for my life. No, the reason I couldn’t go to church that summer is because I couldn’t be around the people.

It wasn’t their fault. The people at my church are wonderful. They all meant well. I think many of them just didn’t know how to be with me. They didn’t know what to say, so many of them said the things you say when “you don’t know what to say”:

“I’m so sorry!”
“Wow that must be really hard.”
“I’ll pray for you.”
“Everything will be okay. God will take care of you.”

The other thing I couldn’t handle was seeing all the complete families. It didn’t matter that nothing had really changed; I had sat alone in church for years. But now I didn’t “fit” there anymore. We didn’t fit there. We were a broken family. There isn’t a place for broken families at church. There’s a moms group, and a singles group, and a married couples group. But I felt like I didn’t really belong there anymore. The small groups at many churches were organized by life stage. There wasn’t a group for “divorced, single mom.”

If you’re a single parent, maybe you know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen estimates that say 67 percent of single parents do not attend church (and I read one estimate that was even higher at 95 percent!). Most of the single parents I know, both online and off, don’t attend church regularly if they go at all. And very few churches have single parent ministries or small groups equipped to help single parent families get connected to the support we need.

Personally, I hate the terms “broken family” and “broken home” and would like to meet the person who first added those terms to our lexicon. I would tell him how incredibly awful and hurtful those words can be to a family. There is an automatic stigma attached to those words in our culture. When society uses those words to define an idea (single parent homes brought about by divorce) they aren’t pausing to consider that “broken” families consist of real people with real feelings. We use the term without thinking of the people we’re describing, how it will impact their view of who they are as a family, and their place in the community of believers.

Now, if you didn’t catch it, there is something wrong with a statement I made before, that “There isn’t a place for broken families at church.” Actually, two things are wrong with this. One, when you feel broken, church and the people there are actually the best thing for you even though it feels impossibly hard. And two, my family wasn’t broken. We were hurting and scarred, yes, and firmly planted in “survival mode.” But we weren’t broken. Not really. We have had to learn how to be a different kind of family—different from our original family—but not broken.

I did go back to church. Corporate worship is the place where I experience the presence of God the strongest, and at His urging in my spirit I knew I needed to return and root my family in Him. I cried through every service for two months, and a lot of people avoided me; but I went. I attended a DivorceCare class there and met another single mom friend. I met with people who I knew cared about me and my children—people who spoke wise words and didn’t pity us but loved us even though we were different. After all, the Bible is full of different.

Returning to church was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do as a single parent, but it’s also one of the best things I’ve done for my family. I needed to surround my little family with people and a community who love the way Jesus loved. That is the only kind of love that heals families and hearts.

Copyright © 2013 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

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Some popular pundits think guilt is totally wacko. Guilt is consigned to our “primitive, puritanical past” and has no place in the hearts and minds of postmodern people. Oh, please. Show me a single mom who has to drag her kids out of bed and leave them at day care (sick or healthy, screaming or content) who has never felt a tinge of guilt, and I’ll show you a bald-faced phony or someone so indoctrinated by feel-good philosophy that she is out of touch with real emotions. Of course you feel guilty from time to time! Even if you were a stay-at-home co-parent you’d occasionally face guilt over your child rearing capabilities.

One writer put it this way, “Mothering is about never being able to give enough and feeling guilty about that.”

You may feel guilt because you contributed to (or initiated) the separation that cost the kids the presence of a father they adore. You may feel guilt because you have to leave them in order to go to work. You may feel guilt because you can’t give them everything you’d like. (In my perspective, a very good thing.) You may feel guilt because of where you and the children are forced to live, what you feed them, where they go to school, the lack of money for summer camps and vacations. A mother in Virginia told me, “I hurt. I sacrifice my feelings for my son.” You may even feel guilt because you sometimes resent having children. (News flash: Resenting them from time to time is normal. If you resent them most of the time, you’d better seek counsel. Fast.)

What you do with your guilt becomes critical. Don’t punish yourself, and don’t spend all your energy trying to compensate your children. Your marriage is over. If you’re harboring guilt, it still owns you. Ditto hate, by the way. According to Dr. Carl Pickhardt, “Love and loathing are both passionate connections, and the divorce reactor is still ‘wed’ to the ex through hate.”

Whatever your circumstance, whatever the reason for your circumstance, it is your circumstance. Get on with it. This is one place I will use a slogan: Don’t cry over split milk. This is your life now, if only for a season. If you let guilt cripple you, you’ll not be able to provide the security your children must have.

On the other hand, guilt may be a call for contrition and repentance because of sin. Contrition means saying you’re sorry; repentance means turning your back on the sin you are sorry for. In Scripture we read of a merciful God who forgives and forgets iniquity, who removes our sin from us as far as the east is from the west. If you are truly guilty because of sin, try praying this prayer:

Lord, I have this guilt haunting me. It’s about _______________. I’m relying on Your promise to remember this no more. I need You to help me not to remember too. I’ve got these kids to raise, and I want to do the best I can. I can’t do it without You. Help!

Pray something like that.

Taken from: Living Well as a Single Mom. Copyright (c) 2006 by Cynthia Yates. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.

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More and more moms are finding themselves left without a spouse and handed all the responsibility of raising a family. A recent news report stated that the number of single-parent households has actually doubled in just the last 20 years. For most single mothers, that means working a job full-time and parenting full-time. That’s quite a load, to say the least.

From watching my single mother as I was growing up, and from witnessing the lives of many women who are in that situation now, four things stand out as essentials if you’re going to succeed, not just survive, as a single mom.

1. Strive to have a positive attitude.

Attitude is everything. It affects both mental and physical health, and it largely determines whether you succeed or fail. People who think they can, usually can. People who don’t think they can, usually can’t—whatever the issue at hand, whatever the demand. You must have a positive attitude if you want to succeed.

But single moms can become weighed down with emotions that are like strikes against them when it comes to choosing their attitude.

One strike can be anger. Anger because they’re alone. Anger toward their ex-husband. Anger because the world isn’t fair. Anger because they have to struggle at a job and then go home and be both a mom and a dad to their children. Anger because people just don’t understand the unrelenting demands that pull at them day in and day out, all week and all weekend.

A second strike may be resentment. Unresolved anger can become resentment toward others. Very often it’s misdirected and becomes aimed at parents, friends, or churches who may not have had a role in events or any power to sway them. Resentment hurts both the person who feels it and those around her.

Sometimes we feel as if we deserve to carry around bitter feelings. Letting go can feel like saying, “It really doesn’t matter so much.” But we feel just the opposite. It does matter so much. And it hurts so much. But not dealing with anger and resentment is like covering a boil, hoping it will simply go away. It won’t. It will only fester, grow, spread, and erupt in other places. And the pain will only increase.

You don’t really deserve to carry around your anger and bitterness. You deserve to be free of it. Letting it go doesn’t mean it didn’t matter. It just means it isn’t worth the cost of hanging on to the infection. Striving to have a positive attitude is like sunshine and fresh air. It’s cleansing. It lightens your load. It strengthens and renews health. That’s what you really deserve.

Julie is a young, single mom and the sweetest person you could ever meet. You look at her and think. The husband who abandoned her should have his head examined. She didn’t deserve that.

When her husband first left, Julie was overwhelmed with grief and the responsibility of caring for her two early-teen children alone. She struggled with feelings of rejection, fear, and devastation.

Her turning point toward renewed health and successful living came, she says, when she decided to lay aside her anger and despair and take positive responsibility for providing a secure home for her children. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she was determined to do the job and do it well.

Julie realized she couldn’t do the job alone, however, so she got involved with a support group through her church. From other members she learned coping skills and gained understanding help. For her emotional health, she went to counseling and took classes. She even got training to help other women in the same situation.

It was difficult for Julie to quit blaming her former husband for her struggles and take this kind of responsibility. It required some heavy-duty anger resolution. But in the process, she became free to enjoy life again.

Julie works hard to provide a healthy environment for her kids, being there for them when she’s not at her job, making financial sacrifices to give them opportunities for development—and all with a positive outlook on life. She has also found mentors to give them a constant, healthy male presence. She made the kids’ daytime caregiver a friend of the family so she’s not just “the sitter.” And for the children’s sake, she has tried to maintain as good a relationship as possible with their father. Julie’s life as a single mom takes extra effort day after day. But with determination and a positive attitude, she’s making it.

The same can be true for you. Take heart. Strive to have a positive attitude. Get help in doing that if you need it. But begin to look at your situation in a different light, and make something of it that will count.

2. Refuse to give in to comparisons.

Comparisons can be deadly. First, they’re usually shortsighted and incorrect. You never see the whole story. You don’t know what other people may be dealing with. Anyway, we’re each unique. None of us is alike, so why are we always comparing ourselves to one another?

When we make comparisons, we begin to have expectations. And often, those expectations are unreasonable. Just as a poor family can’t expect to have a house and car as nice as those of their more-well-to-do neighbors, you can’t expect to produce the same energy and creativity around the house as your married, stay-at-home friend next door. That’s just not realistic. The best advice is to use your mental and physical energy determining how to make the most of your situation, not focusing on comparisons or expending all your efforts trying to match someone else’s standard of living.

A friend went flying in a small plane with his son. Something happened aboard the plane that caused it to go down. Our friend, Mick, survived. His son did not. As a result of his loss, he often says, “Things wouldn’t be so hard if we didn’t expect them to be so easy.”

Things won’t be so difficult for you as a single mom if you don’t expect them to be easy. Refuse to make the comparisons. Refuse to buy into the expectations of keeping up with someone else, of having everything they have. The truth is, you won’t be able to do everything. You may not have all you want or once had. But that’s okay. Our lives are not measured in our abundance of things.

3. Never give up.

When you give up, you quit fighting. When you quit fighting, you lose. Never give up, because only by hanging in will you win.

Determination is necessary to overcome any obstacle, any challenge, any handicap. Whenever something doesn’t work out, you have to try again. Maybe from a different angle, maybe in a different way, but you have to keep trying.

I used to play tennis with June. June had only one hand, so tennis was a big challenge for her. Imagine learning to toss the ball in the air and then hit it with a racket, all using one hand. That’s how she served. It wasn’t easy. It took more energy than the normal way. But she never gave up, and she became an excellent player.

4. Nurture your soul.

All of us need a resource outside ourselves. And everyone needs to go to that source for nourishment and refreshment. Nurture your soul. Refresh it. Don’t neglect the needs of your innermost being. For our family, our source has been God Himself.

Back in that little migrant shack, my mother nurtured her soul from the Bible every day. When there was no soap for the washing machine. Mom would remind us that God would provide. When things were especially hard, she would rehearse for us how good God was, how He would never leave us. When my father became abusive and she was in physical danger, she would reflect on God’s promises and remind us that He knows all things. Though we had almost nothing, she would assure us we had all we needed.

Imagine the inner strength she must have had to endure those hard days. That strength remained constant because she nurtured her soul. And imagine the foundation it gave her three children. We saw what really mattered, and we saw how to lay a foundation to support us against anything we would ever face in life. We learned where to go for our own inner strength. And what security and emotional stamina that built into us!

How can the single mom do it? It’s not an easy road. Strive to have a positive attitude. Refuse to give in to comparisons. Never give up. And nurture your soul. For my mother, that meant reading her Bible, believing God was big enough to deal with her problems, and then choosing to live like it. I pray these will be your resolutions too. They work!

Excerpted from Mom, You’re Incredible! by Linda Weber. Used by permission of Broadman and Holman Publishers, copyright © 1999 by Linda Weber. All rights to this material are reserved. Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Broadman and Holman Publishers

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