Busyness and Stress - FamilyLife® Family and Marriage, Help and Hope for Marriages and Families Sat, 14 Oct 2023 00:07:36 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.3.2 https://www.familylife.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/51/2018/09/Favicon-Icon_32x32.png Busyness and Stress - FamilyLife® 32 32 5 Tips We’ve Learned Through Our Family Moving https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/marriage-challenges/busyness-and-stress-challenges/5-tips-weve-learned-through-our-family-moving/ Mon, 09 Oct 2023 18:43:02 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?p=160673

Moving can be one of the most challenging situations a family can go through. Here are five tips we’ve learned through our family moving.

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“Brace for impact” painted my face as our realtor called and delivered the good news—we were set to close on the sale of our house! I was happy, but I immediately imagined a box truck loaded with the logistics of our family moving, speeding in the direction of Olivia and me with our 7-month-old twin girls.

Packing, organizing, and moving our belongings felt overwhelming. Add in the emotional toll of saying goodbye to our community, adjusting to a new environment, and adapting to a different routine and it all seemed like a rush of stress and anxiety.

I knew moving would not be easy, and I was right. I thought it would mean no peace for the next couple of months, and I was wrong.

Tips we’ve learned from our family moving

Relocating our whole life to a different state was an ongoing process, but so was remembering to seek Christ during the challenges we’d face. Here are five tips we’ve learned through our family moving.

1. Invite Jesus to the moving party.

No matter the reason for your family moving, there are many potential obstacles to navigate. There were many opportunities for the enemy to scheme and get Olivia and me to lose our cool during our move: We felt exhausted daily from packing decisions. Not everyone liked us moving. And did I mention our twins were 7 months in the midst of this?

Setting aside a moment to be still and asking the Lord to lead our family in the move was pivotal for starting well, but also for grounding our perspective to His when challenges came.

  • Pray and ask God to give you peace during moving challenges (John 14:27).
  • Consider meditating on Philippians 4:6-7: “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
  • Express your trust in Jesus as you seek Him first before each decision and before you start moving (Matthew 6:33).

2. Get a “moving checklist” that works for your family and schedule.

Remember that box truck of logistics I felt rushing in our direction? Well, a good checklist paired with Philippians 4:6-7 didn’t change the speed of time, but it gave us a calm feeling while planning for its impact. 

Moving got crazy and chaotic real quick. We needed to start changing mailing addresses, making endless calls and texts to communicate with loved ones, transferring medical records, and scheduling movers—my heart is racing just remembering it all. 

A checklist helped us stay focused and gave extra safety so we didn’t miss any important tasks as a family moving. It helped us break down the whole process into manageable steps, from sorting and packing to scheduling movers and notifying utilities. Plus, checking off items on the list gave us a sense of accomplishment and reduced stress. 

Trust me, having a checklist will save you from last-minute panics and make the whole moving process smoother. So grab a pen and paper, use a cool moving app, or pull a free one online, and with prayer as your first item, let that checklist be your ultimate moving buddy. Your family will thank you later. 

3. Have family meetings. 

Though our twins weren’t at the age of talking yet, having several family meetings during our season of moving was a game changer. It’s important to mention that these were extremely informal. If you’re picturing an organized couple talking through a to-do list with finely rowed boxes and quiet babies playing, you might be picturing a different couple. That wasn’t us. 

Our home felt a mess because we were transitioning. We had to accept that. But what we didn’t accept was for our family moving to cause a disconnection. Our meetings were used to walk through to-do lists on our phones, but it was also a time to connect emotionally and communicate. 

Sometimes a move is a lot for a heart, and the enemy can leverage common challenges to pull families apart (Ephesians 6:12). Instead, we leveraged the hard season as an opportunity to care for one another in Christ, which drew us closer together. 

Here’s a handful of questions we would ask each other with a gentle heart:

  • Is there anything you’d like to add to our shared moving to-do list?
  • What has been your favorite memory of living here?
  • Is there something you wish we were doing better in the move?
  • How can we help the next part of the transition be easier for the kids? (Or ask your kids directly.)
  • What’s something you wish we did more of here?
  • What can we do together as a couple (or family) to make this move less stressful and more enjoyable?
  • What are your hopes and dreams for our new home and neighborhood?
  • Can we pray together in gratitude and need?

Our twins were babies. But if your kids are old enough, consider engaging with them on these questions too. Growing up, it meant much to me to have my parents make me feel a part of the transition process

4. Receive help from your community.  

As we experienced during our wedding, friends and family come in clutch during any transition, especially moving. I never knew we were surrounded by loved ones who carried a commercial driver’s license with a trucking background until I expressed a need to move a truck during our relocation. More so, the number of people who advised us to pace ourselves during a move came in handy. 

It is popular to think those in our community can only provide physical assistance with packing, lifting, and moving stuff to save money. However, their emotional support can be a gift too. Whether lending an ear to listen to your concerns, offering encouragement, or simply being there to share a laugh, having your tribe by your side makes the whole experience less overwhelming.

So with wide open arms, embrace the support from your community, lean on them when needed, and let them be a source of strength and comfort during this transition.

5. Put the good in goodbye.

Saying goodbye to old friends and family when we moved was tough. Of course, it’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions, including sadness, nostalgia, and even hesitations about your family moving. 

Our little family shared countless memories, laughter, and tears with these loved ones, and leaving them behind was heart-wrenching. But we remembered change is a part of life. We were excited about our next phase of life, and as difficult as it may be, it also opens up new doors of opportunity and growth. Though new doors were opening, here are a few ways we walked away from old doors in love:

  • When we could, we wrote “see-you-later cards,” expressing our gratitude to the relationships that meant much to us (individuals at our church, our neighbors, pediatricians, family, and friends).
  • We considered throwing a get-together, but we’re heavier on the introverted side as a family. Instead, we had small dinners with a few families individually to spend intentional time with them before we moved. Some dinners were out at our house, some at theirs. 
  • When we arrived at our new home, we grabbed some postcards of our new city and sent them out to let our loved ones know we had arrived safely. They loved them, and it served as a transitioning way to keep in contact. Now, we write letters!
Captivate your kids with God’s Word.

Embrace it

Moving to a new place can easily be one of the most challenging situations a family can go through. At the time, our twins were 7 months old, and we’d never experienced moving before. Still, as we began embracing the adventure ahead, embracing the awkwardness of being in limbo, embracing the rough patches as opportunities to care more for one another, we began embracing joy in tough times, seeing more beauty in the plan God had for our journey. 

Experiencing our family moving became a lesson of embracing change, stepping out in faith, and embracing God.

Now we’re at a stage of making this new place we live feel like home, and it’s challenging too. But we’re grateful, because we’re remembering God is in control no matter where we move. He reminds us that He is here and everywhere. I can’t lie and say our family moving has been easy, but I’ve loved embracing God and witnessing Him come through beyond our comprehension. He’s the same God we’ll trust to lead us in finding a new church. 


Copyright © 2023 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Ashford Sonii is a writer for FamilyLife. He enjoys ministry, learning, and communicating practical life applications of God’s Word within marriage, family, and how to walk with Jesus. Ashford and his wife, Olivia, currently live in North Carolina with their twin girls, Ivey and Oakley.

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Protecting Your Marriage https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-today/protecting-your-marriage-2/ Wed, 25 Jan 2023 11:15:00 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?post_type=wpfc_sermon&p=143026

How do we protect our marriages in a world that tries to pull us apart? John and Debra Fileta break down three main areas of needed protection and share invaluable advice from their own marriage.

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How do we protect our marriages in a world that tries to pull us apart? John and Debra Fileta break down three main areas of needed protection and share invaluable advice from their own marriage.

Show Notes and Resources

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Balancing Family and Career for the Young Professional Pursuing Both https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/marriage-challenges/busyness-and-stress-challenges/balancing-family-and-career-for-the-young-professional-pursuing-both/ Wed, 14 Dec 2022 13:00:00 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?p=88717

More stuff means more bills. More bills require more work.The work life balance cycle is as paralyzing as it is addictive. And it is luring every American family.

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My wife and I love a good House Hunters episode on HGTV. Mostly because the young adults on the episodes blow us away by thinking their starter home needs to be what many families’ end of career homes are.

They’re looking for something to start out that is at least as nice as that of their parents—who, in most cases, have worked a lifetime to get to that point. It’s all about the granite countertops, home-theater rooms, his and her closets, and the pool. Which all looks nice and seems enjoyable.

But as a longtime family counselor, I can assure you that the most stately and intricately landscaped homes often harbor loneliness, heartache, and despair. More stuff means more bills. And more bills require more work.

The cycle is as paralyzing as it is addictive. And it is absolutely decimating marriages and families.

We’re all proud to be busy. But being busy doesn’t necessarily mean being productive. And being productive doesn’t necessarily mean making more money.

Perhaps rather than busyness, we should value balance. And balance demands priorities. Whether it’s a balanced diet or a balanced work-home life, it all comes down to us—and the power of choices.

Does work/life balance matter?

I’ll be completely honest with you. I was one of those dads who didn’t always have my priorities in order.

As a pastor and counselor, far too often I allowed the needs and issues of other people to dictate my time—to the detriment of my own family. That wasn’t intentional. But some intentional choices on my part could have proven helpful to my relationships with the ones I love most.

Indeed, intentionality is key. The dirty little secret is that for those of us who are parents, it’s not the size of the closets or the number of cars that ultimately determine our quality of life. It’s the time spent building relationships and investing in the things that matter most.

My oldest child is heading off to college this month. From the time he was a baby, older people told me how quickly the time would fly by. But the reality of that didn’t really hit me until just a few years ago.

Here are a few tips for any young professional trying to achieve healthy work/life balance in your personal and professional life:

Control your calendar. Don’t let it control you.

Prioritize your spouse and kids. That means putting their names on your calendar every single week, if at all possible. They deserve your best, not your leftovers. Making time for lunch dates, field trips, and special programs at school communicates a level of interest and support that cannot be overstated.

And if someone from work wants you to meet with them at one of those times, the answer is simple: “I’m sorry. I already have an appointment at that time. Let’s look for another time.” I’ve never had anyone demand to know who my appointment was with. They just worked around it. I’m pretty sure that will be your experience as well.

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

Understand the difference between wants and needs.

I know. That’s not something most people like to think about.  After all, we want the big house, the new car, and the fancy vacation that our Facebook friend just posted about. But if getting that means going into debt, then it’s probably not a choice that’s going to serve you well in the long run.

One of my friends recently shared a photo of her home. It’s small, especially by today’s standards, and not the least bit fancy. But she explained that she and her husband made the choice to have a smaller home with a lower monthly payment so they can put more money in savings and splurge on family vacations.

That’s what I’m talking about! Most of us live in the real world and know we can’t have it all. And if you’re still trying to get it all, it’s time to settle on reality.

This family is being intentional about aligning their choices with their needs and priorities. And it’s allowing them to experience a measure of balance and freedom that inspires others to live simply and value relationships.

Focus on what matters most.

This principle comes straight from Scripture. Matthew 6:21 says, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” These words of Jesus refer specifically to the importance of discerning between what is temporary and what is eternal.

Twenty years from now, is it really going to matter whether you bought a new vehicle or a used one? For me personally, I can say unequivocally no. But if you ask me if it’s going to matter in 20 years whether I spent the whole weekend on the ball fields, at the office, or in church, that’s a definite yes.

My wife and I understand that the investment made in our own spiritual development, as well as that of our kids, is of untold value. For us, that’s what matters most.

Constantly reevaluate your life work/life balance. Adjust as needed.

When my wife, Michelle, was serving as a student minister in our early days of marriage, I remember an object lesson she demonstrated that stuck with me.

The lesson required only three things: a glass jar, a bowl of popcorn kernels, and five ping-pong balls. She talked first about how many things we fill our time with each day—the phone calls, the interruptions, errands, etc. Those things were represented by the popcorn kernels. She then poured them into the jar.

She explained how if we’re not careful, those will make it impossible for us to fit in all the things that are most important: personal care, family relationships, time with God, etc. Those things were represented by the ping-pong balls. She could get a couple of the ping-pong balls crammed into the jar, but there was no way the rest of them could fit.

Then she emptied the jar and put the ping-pong balls in first. After that, she was able to pour all the popcorn kernels into the jar. They filled in the spaces around the balls and left room enough to close the lid.

The truth is that it’s not easy living in such a hectic culture where we’re always connected to technology. We get so many messages, reminders, and notifications every single day. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed by it all.

Our “important things” change with each season of life, and that’s okay. If you’re just now trying to figure out this thing called balance, let me encourage you to give yourself lots of grace; you’re going to mess up. But keep evaluating your life and making choices consistent with your “important things,” and know God will help you figure it out.


Copyright © 2019 Garrick D. Conner. All rights reserved.

Garrick D. Conner is a licensed professional counselor, licensed marriage and family therapist, ordained minister, and freelance writer. He serves as discipleship pastor at Park Hill Baptist Church in North Little Rock, Arkansas. You can read more from him at garrickdconner.com. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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Stressed and Depressed at Christmas: Bob Lepine https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-today/stressed-and-depressed-at-christmas-bob-lepine/ Tue, 29 Nov 2022 10:00:00 +0000 https://d1ueb8h0efn28g.cloudfront.net/?post_type=wpfc_sermon&p=140297

Sadness during the holidays: It's real. But on FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson host author and former FamilyLife Today host Bob Lepine. He proposes there's also real hope and answers when we're stressed & depressed at Christmas.

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Sadness during the holidays: It’s real. But, author Bob Lepine proposes, there’s also real hope and answers when we’re stressed & depressed at Christmas.
Show Notes and Resources

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How to Deal with All the Feels at Christmas: Bob Lepine https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-today/how-to-deal-with-all-the-feels-at-christmas-bob-lepine/ Mon, 28 Nov 2022 15:25:43 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?post_type=wpfc_sermon&p=140180

Are joy and peace a far cry from your holiday? What if you're even angry, or sad? On FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson host author Bob Lepine, who talks about handling all the feels at Christmas.

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Are joy and peace a far cry from your holiday? What if you’re even angry, or sad? Author Bob Lepine talks about handling all the feels at Christmas.

 
Show Notes and Resources

Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

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Connecting With Your Spouse Through the Busy Parenting Years https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/marriage-challenges/busyness-and-stress-challenges/connecting-with-your-spouse-through-the-busy-parenting-years/ Fri, 19 Aug 2022 22:23:58 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?p=133038

When we became parents, our entire universe shifted. What happened to the couple we were?

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Before kids, Josh and I went to movies not rated G and ate at restaurants not offering Styrofoam cups. We spent our weekends doing whatever we wanted, staying up late, and sleeping in later.

Then we became parents. And our entire universe shifted. Psychological thrillers were exchanged for films featuring talking animals. Those overpriced, chef-prepared meals turned into a quick drive-thru at Chick-fil-A. Even dinners at home became a frenzied rush to feed an overtired, hungry toddler before we all started crying.

And doing whatever we wanted? We traded impromptu getaways for play dates at the park.

But it wasn’t just our schedules and interests that took a drastic turn. Our relationship was not the same as it was in the pre-parent world. I no longer felt sexy and confident in my husband’s presence. I felt tired, frumpy, and the farthest thing from desirable.

Even simple conversation took a hit. Days would go by without meaningful talks between the two of us. We were slowly drifting away from each other.

The worst part? We didn’t even notice.

Connecting with your spouse

For most couples, it’s a slow fade from connect to disconnect in marriage. I think this is especially true for parents. The long nights, the demands of parenting, conflicting work schedules, too many commitments, or even the struggles of blending a stepfamily … it all adds up over time. That’s why it takes effort for couples to stay connected emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Disconnecting is easy—it sneaks up on you while you’re busy doing life.

A husband and wife connecting as one is God’s original design for marriage (Genesis 2:24). Jesus reaffirmed this when the Pharisees tried to trap Him with questions about the lawfulness of divorce. Jesus replied, “Have you not read … ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?'” (Matthew 19:3-5). God knew two would be better than one. “Hold fast” to your spouse, even during the busy (and temporary) season of raising children.

So what are a busy mom and dad to do? How do you even begin connecting with your spouse? The following suggestions can help even the busiest of parents feel closer.

1. Remember that flirting isn’t just for the dating years.

It’s hard to playfully flirt with each other when it seems you rarely see your spouse. That’s why it’s all the more important.

Flirting is something reserved for your spouse only (if it isn’t, time to do a heart check). It conveys to your spouse that you remember you are more than just roommates raising tiny humans. It reminds them you are still attracted to them and helps set the stage for physical and emotional connection, as well.

2. Check in with each other often.

If the morning has passed and I haven’t heard from Josh, I’ll call or send him a quick text. I don’t want to bother him at work, but I want him to know he’s on my mind. Let your spouse know you are thinking about them even when they aren’t there. It reminds your partner they are a priority to you.

Wake early to have coffee together before the kids are up, or schedule a weekly breakfast to map out the week together so you are on the same page. Make your spouse a priority.

What could your family do with 500 Hours? Take the challenge.

3. Schedule a weekly or monthly date.

I know weekly is ideal, but I don’t know many parents who can make that a reality. So if you don’t already have a scheduled date night, I encourage you to start with one a month. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just some kid-free time for you to enjoy each other.

Dating your spouse reminds you what you loved about them in the beginning and keeps you connected with the person they’ve become. And please don’t let money be an issue. If all you can do is enjoy a meal by candlelight at home after the kids finally fall asleep, so be it. Enjoy every second.

4. Don’t neglect the bedroom.

Physical oneness in your marriage is vitally important. So much that Paul addresses the marriage bed in 1 Corinthians: “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (7:5). Physical intimacy doesn’t just keep you connected to your spouse, it safeguards your marriage.

That said, a healthy sex life can only exist if you have healthy intimacy in other areas of your relationship. If your sex life isn’t where you think it should be, that’s worth a conversation with each other and maybe a counselor. Sex should never be used as a threat, coercion, or other means of manipulation. Sex is a gift, treat it as such.

(Worth a read: “More Than Sex: How to Spice Things up in the Bedroom.”)

5. Pray with (and for) each other regularly.

In Matthew 18, Jesus says, “If two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them” (19-20). God is with you and your spouse when you come together to pray.

I know this is easier said than done. Fourteen years after saying “I do,” and Josh and I still haven’t nailed down praying regularly outside of mealtimes. We’ll get a groove going and then life gets in the way again. And the longer the time in between, the more awkward it feels. But I can honestly say the biggest breakthroughs in our marriage have come following prayer with my husband.

6. Offer one another lots of grace.

Parenting is hard. It can (and probably will) cause some disagreements between the two of you. Give your partner lots of grace. My husband works a crazy, frequently changing schedule. He needs me to be forgiving and understanding when he has to miss something occasionally. I need the same when I overschedule our family because it can be hard for me to say no.

You and your spouse are going to mess up at times. You’ll slip off track and drift away from each other without meaning to. Give your relationship some grace, as well.

Don’t worry about checking off every item in this list. This is not a checklist. Pick one you can do today. Send your husband a flirty text. Call grandma to watch the kids and pick your wife up for a last-minute dinner date. It’s not about perfection. No matter how long it’s been, you still have time to reacquaint yourself with your spouse.


Copyright © 2019 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Lisa Lakey is the managing editor of digital content for FamilyLife. Before joining the ministry in 2017, she was a freelance writer covering parenting and Southern culture. She and her husband, Josh, have been married since 2004. Lisa and Josh live in Benton, Arkansas, with their two children, Ella and Max.

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Weekly Schedule Overload? 3 Questions to Ask https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/marriage-challenges/busyness-and-stress-challenges/weekly-schedule-overload-3-questions-to-ask/ Thu, 09 Jul 2020 19:37:49 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?p=100241

With the summer break, now is a great time to reevaluate your family’s weekly schedule. Before penciling anything in, here are three questions to ask.

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The cadence of our weekly schedules matter. Especially now that we’ve enjoyed a respite from most activities outside our homes, the big question hovers: what will I welcome back onto my calendar?

I often find myself reminiscing over the activities of childhood. Dance class and other calendar items filled my soul and shaped who I became. But in prioritizing those activities, I also chose not to prioritize others.

For instance, singing with my city’s children’s choir was a treasured slice of my weekly schedule. We traveled to festivals, serenaded wedding guests, and sang at professional sporting events.

But then my sophomore year rounded. Optimistic as we were, one week of racing to the car after class to avoid a tardy mark told my parents choir would have to go. It wasn’t worth the stress.

And while I missed this joyful outlet in my week, the Lord filled my time differently that year in future-shaping ways.

Your weekly schedule is in your hands

With the break from activity summer brings, it’s also a great time to reevaluate how your family spends their time the rest of the year.

Some of us will be tempted to revert, word for word, to our old schedule: Husband’s Thursday night racquetball … Wife’s Wednesday coffee with friends … Child 1#’s Tuesday/Thursday soccer practice … You get the picture.

But others would rather leave this activity-free life untouched. (I’m right there with you.) Yet all the old demands are resurfacing, and we have choices to make. What will we say “yes” to?

As you pray through what’s best for your family, here are some questions to consider when looking over your weekly schedule:

1. Does this activity benefit the person involved?

While this addition to the weekly schedule may make you (or your child) jump for joy, it’s good to think through the plusses and minuses of how it might affect them.

For instance, would this activity leave them enough time to rest? Knowing the emotional, mental, and physical toll a lack of rest can take on us, sleep and downtime should be prized and safeguarded.

Also consider whether this family member is mature enough to handle the environment. And I don’t just mean the kids. For example, I’ve heard some baseball horror stories of coaches screaming at parents and vice versa. The items entered into our weekly schedules should give space for character building, not character tearing.

Additionally, would this activity leave time for their other priorities? If school, chores, or even going to church have gone by the wayside, maybe it’s not the greatest fit.      

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2. Is this activity a strain on the family?

It’s helpful to ponder how the weekly schedule might influence the collective family.

Growing up, my sister and I were regularly involved in extracurricular activities. But it wasn’t until high school that they occasionally interfered with family dinner. According to my mom, it worked only because we still carved out family time before turning in.

Every activity was pushed through this grid: does this promote or discourage consistent family time?

Another thing to think about: do the benefits of the activity outweigh the sacrifices made for it? As with my family’s decision to drop my choir involvement, factors as simple as stress are valid enough to cut something.

Maybe your bottom line right now is the price tag. Some things are undoubtedly worth the investment and some aren’t. Is this activity one of them? Or maybe the timing’s off. Would it make a difference to your family if you commit to this activity now vs. later?

Family values make a great standard if you’re unsure of the fit. Don’t have a clear set of family values? This quick assessment can help with that!

3. What are your motivations driving this activity on your weekly schedule?

There’s one specific monster that threatens my weekly schedule. I’m referring to FOMO – the Fear of Missing Out. Maybe you’re acquainted.

I hate the thought of not being in the group photo or for years hearing about that great time I missed. While it’s not bad to desire memories and community, I have to assess whether it’s really my insecurity or pride driving that desire.

Even when it comes to ministry opportunities, I must ask God to search my heart for any impure motivations. Am I jumping at every chance to help for prideful reasons? Am I saying “no” because I’d rather do something else? In both the “yeses” and “noes” we must ask the Lord and obey His call.

And lastly, have you considered how tightly your or your child’s identity is tied up in this weekly activity? Exercising the gifts God gives us is a beautiful thing, but if we begin placing our worth in them instead of Christ, we must consider if continuing is good for our heart.

Your family’s weekly schedule is no small matter. Trust that the Lord will give you wisdom when you decide what to say “yes” to (James 1:5).


Copyright © 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Lauren Miller serves on staff with FamilyLife as a writer in Little Rock, Arkansas, though she’ll always be a California girl. She graduated from Biola University and the Torrey Honors Institute where the Lord first planted in her a love for family and marriage ministry. As a single, she loves serving the youth at her church, watching British dramas, and reading a good book in her free time.

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If Bill Gates Can Drop Off His Kids, So Can You https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/marriage-challenges/busyness-and-stress-challenges/if-bill-gates-can-drop-off-his-kids-so-can-you/ Wed, 08 May 2019 15:10:46 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?p=81316

When dads share the household responsibilities, it’s a win-win for the family and a win-win for society. Bill Gates, tech guru, and wife Melinda proved it.

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We’ve all heard the phrase: “Behind every great man, there’s a great woman.” Well, the same applies in reverse: “Behind every great working mom, there’s a supportive husband.”

Before I go further, let me take a moment to acknowledge single moms. I recognize this is not the case for you. For that, I give you extra props, ladies. I don’t know how in the world you manage to work, take care of kids, and maintain a household on your own.

I offer you a virtual standing ovation right now. You deserve that and more. And I pray one day your kids give credit where it’s due for the love and sacrifice you have given them as a hard-working mom. Because I know I would not be half the working mom I am without the loving support my husband provides.

Other dads are doing it

It’s something Sheryl Sandberg, working mom and Chief Operating Officer of Facebook, addressed in her book, Lean In. She wrote she was able to fully embrace her career in part because her [late] husband, Dave Goldberg, split parental chores with her.

“In Lean In, I emphasized how critical a loving and supportive partner can be for women both professionally and personally—and how important Dave was to my career and to our children’s development. I still believe this. Some people felt that I did not spend enough time writing about the difficulties women face when they have an unsupportive partner or no partner at all. They were right,” she said.

Another high-profile couple understood this need as well. When Bill Gates’ wife Melinda decided to go back to work after kids, she and Bill “negotiated the terms of their marriage” to accommodate this.  Part of the negotiation was sharing the responsibility of school drop-off.

I mean, just imagine for a second, juggling coffee, zipping up backpacks, and hurriedly ushering kids out of car seats … right next to one of the most recognizable people in the world. Bill Gates–once the richest man in America–took on a household job some men might hesitate to do. All to support his wife in pursuing a passion and career without compromising the care of their children.

Now that’s what I’m talking about! A few weeks later, following his example, the drop-off line at his kids’ school was full of dad drivers.

 

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My husband helps too

I, too, have a husband who does a lot more than just school drop-off in order to keep this working mom happy and our family thriving.

He gets the kids ready for school, makes our coffee, loads their backpacks in the car, picks them up from school, helps cook dinner, helps clean up after dinner, vacuums, and does laundry. When the kids get sick or cry for us in the middle of the night … yep, he’s there, too.

Is he perfect? No. But we truly function as a team–because that’s the only way we would survive.

What’s more, my husband didn’t grow up in a culture where men were expected to care for the home. But he’s broken through stereotypes so I can help provide for our family and use my gifts in a professional setting. I consider myself lucky. Not just because I get to have both a career and a family, but because my husband has stepped up in a way to allow me to do so.

Negotiating a team approach

If you feel God prompting you and your spouse to negotiate some of the terms of your marriage, then lean in to that. Here are a few things to consider when working out how to help your family thrive with two working parents:

1. Pray and discern the direction God is leading your family (James 1:5).

2. Figure out which of your household responsibilities need to become shared. This is valuable even if only one parent is working outside of the home.

3. Think about what your spouse would like to spend time doing, and figure out how you can give them the space to do that.

4. Ask your wife if she is interested in going back to work after kids. Maybe she’s not, and that’s totally fine! But at least do her the courtesy of asking. Talk about what that could look like, and how you can both support each other in your respective professional roles.

5. Be willing to take on nontraditional responsibilities in order to help the home function well. Ladies, that may mean mowing the grass or pulling the trash bins in, too.

6. Consider the valuable model you are showing your kids of what teamwork and mutual respect looks like in marriage.

Making these adjustments could be a win-win for your family. And a win-win for society. I, for one, am looking forward to seeing a lot more dads in the drop-off line.


Copyright © 2019 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

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When Your Man’s Long Hours Don’t Feel Like Love https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/marriage-challenges/busyness-and-stress-challenges/when-your-mans-long-hours-dont-feel-like-love/ Tue, 07 May 2019 20:39:57 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?p=81097

Following a Major League Baseball career, my husband's work led to a new demanding position. So, I came home to an empty house and had dinner alone again.

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I married a man already on a mission. His dream, desire, and longtime goal was to play Major League Baseball for a living. When Jose and I married, he carefully explained the hardships, time apart, and long hours his career choice would require. And I bought in.

I was young, childless, and ready for the adventure. I believed his job was a mission. One God had assigned to us for that time in our lives. That together, this mission could transform us as a couple and a tool for God’s glory.

Then, we had kids. I had never given much thought to single parenting before our children came along. Suddenly, I found myself immersed in the task.

I always believed parenting was designed for a team. The only problem was, because of my husband’s work, half of my team was playing elsewhere. Along with being exhausting, parenting alone while my husband worked was hard. I had no other adult present to run things by, get sound advice from, and frankly, just relieve me when I felt tapped out.

Demanding hours

This was not easy. I hated road trips, living away from home, and parenting alone. My husband’s work required much of both of us. Prioritizing our marriage had to be an intentional effort.

After Jose retired from baseball, he became a chaplain to professional athletes. Another demanding position that requires him to be away consistently. I still wrestle with how much time my husband’s work takes him away.

Tonight for example, as I write this piece, I am alone.

After work, I came home to an empty house and had dinner by myself … again. But I’ve discovered ways to manage too. I started a “married but single and single again” club for women whose husbands travel or other wives who simply would like company.

Let me just say that I have been married to the same man for 38 years. And I still need to hand this over to Jesus daily.

Telling him how I feel

When Jose returns from his trips, we have a special time where we can talk about the time away—what was good about it and what really stunk about being separated. We allow for open and honest dialogue. The listener doesn’t try to fix the speaker, but instead listens and empathizes.

It can seem silly. But having him in my corner makes me feel loved and cared for. We may even say, “This job really stinks because it takes us away from one another!” And then we laugh and thank God for my husband’s work. The job He uses to provide for us and to meet the needs of many young golfers and their wives and families. This helps bring us back into perspective and remain dedicated to our work and our marriage.

Making it work

In her book For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn states that “It’s ironic that we may complain about our man’s work habits, not realizing that he thinks that he is saying ‘I love you’—and we are complaining about it!  This dynamic is both confusing and distressing for men.”

Sometimes it’s important for us as women to put on our husbands’ glasses and see things from his perspective. Then we begin to understand our husband’s work. I have discovered by lightening the load of pressure I place on my husband in his role as provider, I reap great benefits of his time and attention.

Here are some ways I’ve found to give him a break:

  • Communication is key to your husband’s success in a job that requires a lot of travel. Talk about it together in a non-conflict atmosphere.
  • Understand that his work is at the core of his identity. Accepting that is a driving force for him that will assist you in being the “fit” wife he needs.
  • Realize that God made him this way. It is a good thing.
  • Make your relationship with him a priority by putting date night on the calendar. Take annual getaways as a couple to work on your marriage.
  • Relieve the pressure he already feels to provide and succeed by thanking him openly and regularly.

Working out has never been a joy in my life, but I feel the benefits when I exercise regularly. The same is true when I am intentionally working on being the “fit” wife for my husband God created me to be. Our time together becomes time well spent instead of complaining about our time apart. We create good times together that make us only want more of the same in the future.


Copyright © 2019 Michelle Alvarez. All rights reserved.

Michelle Alvarez is an event planning consultant for corporate events and weddings. She is administrative assistant to Jose, event planner for the church where they worship, and also serves the wives on the Web.com Tour. She and Jose are speakers for Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. They have three adult children.

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When Was the Last Time Your Marriage Had a Physical? https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/marriage-challenges/busyness-and-stress-challenges/when-was-the-last-time-your-marriage-had-a-physical/ Tue, 18 Sep 2018 20:50:52 +0000 https://www.familylife.com/?p=22591

You might make sure to head to the doctor each year like clockwork, but when is the last time your marriage had a physical?

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Our society is more health-conscious than ever before. We are inundated with advice, warnings, and advertisements. Our mailboxes and inboxes scream at us—Renew your gym membership today! Schedule your health screening ASAP!  …and so much more. We spend a tremendous amount of time concerned with the shape of our bodies, their overall health, and how long they are going to last.

You might be sure to head to the doctor each year for the annual checkup, but when was the last time your marriage had a physical?

Drink another glass of water. Walk an extra mile on the treadmill.  Get another hour of sleep each night. We will do endless activities trying to keep up with the health of our bodies, but we often neglect the health of our marriages.

You and your spouse need a place you can go to start setting the groundwork for a healthier relationship right away.

Get Away Together

Taking time away from the daily routine is the first step toward achieving a healthier marriage. Everyone needs to step back and observe the rhythms of their life. A two-and-a-half-day getaway at FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember is the perfect way for you and your spouse to assess where your marriage is and how you can work on strengthening it together.

Does your marriage have high blood pressure, shooting through the roof with each new argument? Perhaps you need help in bringing it under control and working through the tension with calmness and cooperation. You can relearn how to communicate kindly with one another, openly sharing the details of your daily life in a way that feels intimate rather than confrontational.

Maybe your concern is just the opposite—your relationship has hit a lull and you’re looking for ways to rekindle the spark you had when you were first married.

No matter what the current status of your marriage is, Weekend to Remember is the perfect space for you to assess what the real issues are, check your relational vital signs as a couple, and get on a path toward a healthier and happier marriage.

Couples who attend the Weekend to Remember marriage getaway report that they’ve seen significant improvement in their satisfaction with their relationships after just two short days! Don’t you owe it to the health of your relationship to find out where you can improve? Register today for your Weekend to Remember experience, and begin looking forward to a healthier and more vibrant marriage.


Copyright © 2018 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

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